Oct 24, 2011

It's that date again.

And there is the picture.

Once upon a time I had a child with his birthday today. We didn't get to celebrate it with him even once. So we send up balloons (equal to the age that he would be turning) that only get popped... as if anyone truly knows what happens to balloons after they are let go.

Don't ask me how I am. You'll only hear me change the subject. I have mentioned before that I think I have spent almost my whole life numb. I often don't know how I feel, I'm that good an actress. Fooling myself into believing that I'm fine. Maybe I am, but more likely I'm not. I go around a hypocrite trying to make other people believe that they are of worth and what not to try to get them from being depressed, yet I don't believe the words are relevant to myself. I did that just the other day in fact. I quoted D+C 18:10 to someone. "For the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." That used to be the thing I would say most to people. I hadn't done it in a long time. The chapter goes on to talk about missionary work, but I tried to use that for an uplifting scripture to me. "The worth of [Shay's soul] is great in the sight of God." heh. I truly don't know if I ever believed that. Maybe some small points in my life I felt that. Even though the scripture says, "worth of souls is great..." I some how dismiss myself from that absolute statement. I think, the worth of everyone else's soul is great... but not mine. I think about it and I think about it. Yes, I know what you'll say. If I were to discuss this logically with anyone, my thought process doesn't make any sense. I did have this discussion with someone just recently (after I told her I was a hypocrite for quoting that to her), and I couldn't logically explain it. Because either the scripture is true and I am included, or there is no God.

Logically, that is how it works. Emotionally, I don't match up.

*sigh....

I got the courage to call the person I needed to call to make an appointment with the bishop. I know I'm having some serious issues. It was the wrong person, cause his calling changed. So I called the other person that he said... and it was a disconnected number. So I talked to the bishop about it yesterday and he gave me the correct number. I just have to muster up the courage again.

This was to be a post "celebrating" Little Angel's birthday. Don't ask me how it turned into a Shay-needs-serious-help post. I guess that was just what I had to get out. And this, as I say frequently, is a place for me to get things out.

Now go munch on some Oreos.

headaches... should never had been invented. i'm sorry (not really) that's just how it is.

so... a few changes. one the background (obviously). and yes, it is in the spirit of buying oreos these days with orange creme inside. don't ask me why the creme is orange.

another change that is less obvious... my side bar (playlist... music.... thing). instead of having music that lifts my mood (though some of them still do anyway) i decided to have it play music that i wish i had. so if you are feeling good and want to share that goodness feel free to send me some iMoney (or whatever) so i can get these on iTunes or something. :) and just so you know... iTunes apparently counts as a word.... iMoney.... not so much.

life keeps going, heads STILL ache, tummies get hungry, kids get raunchy from tiredness, homework and quizes keep coming, japanese to be learned, kids to feed, headaches to shoot...... but hey, at least shay is wearing her handknit sweater today!

hopefully i can finish everything i need to do today. most of my afternoon was spent changing the background and taking care of other things i do not wish to share so publicly. don't get offended. wait... no. do get offended, stop following me and make nasty comments stating how upset you are that you can't stalk me.

but then, what is the point of blogs anyway then?

ah... so much to do... and i am rambling again.

sorry i can't make the background prettier than just changing the colors. one of these days i'll hire someone to do it..... one of these days.....

*sigh....

I forgot

Goof Ball has been talking, as I have previously mentioned. If he doesn't really talk in front of you, don't be offended. It still seems to be something that only his family is blessed to hear. But there was one thing that I forgot to put on the Wise Sayings side bar... and it is just too cute, I just had to give it its own post.

Though, granted, it isn't as cute written as it is said. So I'll try and get a video of it...

It was fun, after making a few videos of words that he knew (I was shocked he shared them so freely with my cell phone....) we watched them and he giggled a lot. It was cute. <3

I'll save other videos for other posts. The only other ones I could think of having him do were ones that are in the side bar. I'll same them, however for other times. Times probably after a 'pity party' post. Hurrah for amazing alliterations!

and the number of followers just keeps rising...

Thank you everyone for your support. I don't seem to be getting many comments these days, but from the rising number of followers, I can at least assume that my words are being read. To a writer, that is a very heart warming thing.

Sometimes I get asked, or I wonder myself, "What do I need from people? How can people help me?" Honestly, I really don't know. I am currently under the impression that I hardly know myself at all. I suppose it comes from spending so much time with myself, and wishing that I wasn't forced to. You could say that I have an extreme case of inferiority complex. When people believe in me, instead of trusting their belief in me, I get depressed, not feeling up to the task of accomplishing their expectations. Sometimes it feels as if I want to fail or cause myself to fail to get them to see the way I see myself.

Ahhh, and there I go off on a tangent again. I often do that when my hands are on a keyboard of any sort. Even through txts... *sigh...

I finally learned the name of a song that I have always liked and looked up the lyrics to it. Just the other day (when I learned the name of the song), I realized why I loved it so much. I relate to it very strongly.

Iris by Goo Goo Dolls:

(the song is near the end of my play list if you wish to listen to it)

1:
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

2:
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

Chorus:
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

3:
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

Chorus:
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

The verses could be whatever way you want to take them, but the chorus, and I think even the third verse I relate to the most. The forth line in the third verse is likely my favorite. That doesn't mean that I have ever slit myself on purpose. Even now I'm not exactly sure why I love that line so much. Maybe someday I'll find out.

Those words though... the chorus. I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. I don't think I'll ever be good enough at poetry to write such a thing. Poetry was never my strong point. But those lines could be very honestly said from my mouth.

I hide. Everyday I hide. I plaster on a smile and pretend everything is okay. I have had 19 years or so of practice. I am broken. Despite all this, all I want is for people to know who I am. Why do I act? Because acting is safe. Acting fools those who would discard me if they really knew who I am.

So for now, even though it doesn't seem like much, all I can ask is that you don't give up on me. Some days I try. Some days I give up. Some times I get pulled along by some happy thing that happened only to fall again hours later (that one happened multiple times today). I can't tell you how tomorrow will be. I can't tell you how I am now. I can't even tell you who I really am, because I strive everyday to ignore myself. Here, on this blog, is very likely the only place where I truly say things how they are. At least I like to think that way. I am horribly honest on here. More so than even with Pro Boxer. The things I write here I am even to nervous to say out loud. Probably because being rejected online is less traumatizing than irl.

Whatever the case, that is all I can ask for now. I think my courage is mounting again for me to call my bishop and talk to him. Church things are still... hard. I get really pessimistic during that 3 hour block of my life every week.

I'm sorry almost every single thing I post is depressing. I try sometimes to post something cute that my kids did. I'm just... like this right now. And I'm very busy, to boot. It is much easier to remember to get my anger and frustration and unpleasant feelings out on here than it is to post every cute little thing that my kids did. And those who know them... I could make more than 10 posts a day if I tried, and I don't even spend all day with them.

Again, thank you for reading. Having people read the words that I write gives me the strength and courage to keep on writing, even if I frequently feel like my writing isn't worth it. You, reading this right now, gives purpose and meaning to my words, and that makes me, as a writer, happy.

and then the alien said to me, "%#@~$(%#&@." and I said, "わかりません。"

The days fly by, somehow the homework gets completed, the weekends are non-existent, roses dry perfectly right side up, performance after performance, cough after measly cough, days turn shorter, leaves on my poor plants drop off at an alarming rate (because I fail to remember to water them), and somehow I'm still here. People don't seem to dislike me. In fact, they seem to like me so much that I get teased (in a loving sort of way). I wonder sometimes if there is a contest in the trumpet section that I'm unaware of. "Who can tease Shay the most before the semester is out?"

And now it comes to my mind as to why the post started out as it did. It is October once again. Bug is five, Goof Ball is two. And Little Angel would be four at the end of this month. I mentioned to my parents the other day when talking about the monthly birthday gathering we have that I sometimes forget that I have a child with their birthday in October. My mind forgets. My body never does. It is almost like a plague that can never be healed. Well... it is exactly like that. Truthfully I'm grateful that he is safe and sound and that he doesn't have to suffer like everyone else down here. More often, however, is the resounding question. "Haven't I suffered enough? What else must I do to prove myself?"

It is said in my religion that children who die before they reach the age of accountability (8) are blessed. Especially very little ones, babies. That all they needed to prove themselves, or to gain the highest kingdom in heaven was to gain a body. Could I also say here, the greatest test? Was that Little Angel's greatest test? Choosing to come down here and live, even if it is likely that he knew he wouldn't live long?

No one really knows about the pre-mortal life, or the life to come. Why things happen to people the way they do. Or if any of us knew what we would have to go through if we chose to come down. I'd like to think that Heavenly Father and Jesus would have warned me about all the things that would happen, and how beat up I'd get, and I still chose to come down. It is almost reassuring to know, that even though I knew all that, yet I still decided to go through with it.

Take this post for what you will. It could be on the verge of depression, yet it could also be showing some improvement. Who knows?

It is Friday. Even though it didn't really process with me until around 5:30 pm in the shower. I will now commence in drowning myself with oreos and milk and working on my story. The best part? I won't feel guilty that I have lots of homework to do. ^_^

I'll end by mentioning the "Wise sayings" side bar. Goof Ball has been talking lately (finally!) and I keep forgetting to mention it or update that... enjoy.