わかりません。(translation: I don't understand)

"Love they neighbor as thyself." ok. fine. but what if i dont love myself to begin with? what then?

Agency

The ability to choose.

It's a tough call isn't it? I can't imagine a life where I wouldn't be able to choose anything. Being told what to do every day every second of my life... I can't even picture it. Naturally it would be better if we all had the chance to choose, right?

But some people choose bad things. Some people decide that they want to take the agency of others. I have experienced that. I guess I may have some sort of idea what the world would be like if I couldn't choose.

So what is it? There is no grey... it is black and white. Should everyone be given the ability to choose (though some people may choose to use others and take away their agency) or not allow anyone to choose? I'm here on earth. Which leads to the fact that it is obvious what choice I made. (people not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you can find out what I'm talking about here: mormon.org) I choose for everyone to be able to choose. It is hard to say what happened before we all came here. Did we all have an idea of what our life would be like before we decided to vote for agency or not?

I met with my bishop again yesterday. Among discussing what realizations I had come to in the past few months or so, I also went to renew my temple recommend. When I first walked in, I had forgotten what I went in to talk to him about. But sometime in the middle of the interview, I remembered that I wanted to tell him about how I didn't feel worthy enough to be a child of God. I discussed this on here a few posts or so ago. As we talked, I realized that no only do I not feel that, but I also don't think it. I understand the concept. I believe/think whatever - that us humans are spirit children of Heavenly Father. Somehow along the way I took myself out of that equation. I see everyone else as children, but not me. Yes, I know that is quite hypocritical. Sitting there, talking (or more like listening... he talks a lot ^_^) to my bishop, I realized that I didn't know. Not only did I not feel it, but I didn't know in my mind that I am a child of God.

This morning, I think I realized why I was fighting knowing it so much. Because if it is true, that I'm a daughter of God, then why did I have to experience the things that I did? I couldn't understand how I could both be a child of God and still be used and abused and walked all over as I have. In my mind, it turned into a give/take thing. If my worth is that much, then why was I treated like that?

Some things my bishop said to me yesterday were very like things that I knew to be in my patriarchal blessing (as members of the LDS church, we have the choice to receive a blessing that tells us about ourselves and the responsibilities that we have on the earth). I'm not going to share them on here. This is a little too public a place for such things. However, it became apparent to me as I read my blessing again this morning that I wouldn't be able to fulfill my responsibilities without having to go through what I have.

For example: Jesus Christ had specific responsibilities that he needed to fulfill on the earth. Bringing about the salvation of all men by enduring the consequences of all our sins and sorrows. All of us. That is a lot of pain. Even the pain and consequences of my own sins I wouldn't be able to handle it. He endured that for everyone. Christ has been through our lives. My mind can't comprehend the process. But because Christ has felt what we felt, has experienced our pain and sorrow, He is someone who can fully understand and comprehend us. If we go to Him, He can help us overcome our problems, because he has done it as well.

It's kind of like my situation. I can't help the people I need to help unless I "go through the motions." For me to be able to help who I need to help, I need to experience the pain first. It makes sense, right? Someone who hasn't been abused can't really comprehend or fully help someone who has been abused. Depending on their personality, they can accept the person, but they won't really know how to help them.

It isn't particularly a pleasant thought, but at least knowing this, it may help me with that next step. With this explanation, I can understand how the two can coexist. A daughter of God, and extreme pain and sorrow. Who knows? Maybe I have already accepted the idea just by writing this post. But I can't explore that idea on here anymore. My kids are up and waiting for breakfast.

Have a nice Monday.

Friday the 13th

I am not one who believes in superstition. Just keep this in mind as I tell you a tale of my morning.

*for non parents... this is your tmi warning*

I woke up, and almost instantly, I just wanted to go back to sleep. Maybe it was some sort of premonition, or maybe it was because Bug woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that the toilet downstairs didn't work. I ignored him, wanting to go back to sleep. He proceeded to tell me that he had *poop* on his leg and foot. I didn't know how that could have happened and told him to wipe it off with toilet paper. Soon he gave up on me and went back to bed.

Morning comes. Bug wakes up a bit later than usual. And what do I find when I get my first sight of him? His pants/underpants are off. He has dried *poop* all down his leg. I pause in my attempt to get myself to do homework and lay him on a changing pad like a baby to wipe it all off with cold wet wipes. It doesn't do any good. The *poop* had a chance to dry on there so much that he was red in places. Diaper rash at age 5? Okay... sure. Bug got sent to the tub for a spray down. I didn't want to resort to that, but it was either that or using up an entire box of wet wipes. Bug finally gets *poop* free and dressed. I'm debating whether I want to go shower or not before breakfast. I decide to do it after. We start getting ready for breakfast (I had already removed the *log* from the carpet downstairs), Goof Ball was still asleep. Keep in mind the smell (I DID warn you about too much information...). Downstairs literally reeked. When I came back up to inform Pro Boxer that there was *poop* all over the toilet and bathroom floor, I told him that when he goes down there, he should wear a gas mask.

The table set, I hear Goof Ball finally deciding that he wants to wake up. I look down the stairs to see him diligently walking up the stairs like a big boy. He looks up and sees me and says, "Here," pointing to his leg where I see a little dot of *brown stuff.* I say down to Goof Ball, "That looks like *poop!*" I turn to Pro Boxer, "Looks like it may be a very *poopy* day." "I hope not," Pro Boxer's response is.

Turns out Goof Ball was also very *poopy.* He had it on his legs as well as his socks that he wore to bed. Throughout the week (starting Sunday with Pro Boxer) each one of us (except me... *crosses fingers...*) has had a spill of diarrhea/throw up. Bug and Pro Boxer had both, but Goof Ball seems to only have been on the diarrhea end. I opened up his diaper, and laid out before me, was a lake of *poop* (again... I DID warn you about too much info. I was not about to tell this story with any less graphicness than is already present). We wiped up Goof Ball and into the tub he went for a spray down (he also had some dry *poop*). Where as Bug laughed, Goof Ball screamed.

In the blessing on the breakfast food, Pro Boxer said, "Please help us to have an enjoyable day." I snorted. Course, we are amiable people. We took all this in stride, laughing all the way. Looking back, it seems that was the most enjoyable part of my day. I came home quite depressed. The house still smelled of *poop* when I walked in the door. I lit some candles, and asked Pro Boxer if the bathroom had been cleaned up. Of course, with the prevailing smell of *poop,* I kind of assumed what the answer would be.

I didn't get to my shower. It was either exercise and shower or go to sewing circle. I went to sewing circle. Don't judge me. When you have kids... you will understand. Not every day can be a shower day.

Happy Friday the 13th to you all.

I have given up.

I put this together after Christmas with the hopes that I would still be able to send them off the first week of the year. It isn't quite a Christmas card... but it kind of is. But now that my school has started (I really should get going on my reading and Japanese homework) I have completely given up printing these and sending them to friends and family. So here you are. Maybe next year I'll be more on top of it... but it isn't exactly a priority... and well... I talk about that on the actual card. Enjoy. Maybe.

It's that time again

Time to put the kids to bed. But first I'll spend a little time on here updating you all, you all.

We had a fun time at Christmas, first time ever we spent Christmas morning at our own house. I think we'll be doing that more often from now on. My parent's had the tradition of my dad cameraing us as we all (all nine of us) walked in, usually youngest-oldest (but that became randomness the older the kids got). So we tried to do that this year with our little family. I tried to stay in back as the kids waltzed up the stairs... but that didn't work. Because Goof Ball (not quite understanding the idea that it was Christmas and that there were presents and surprising things awaiting him) decided to have a fit and that he didn't want to show his face, or come up the stairs on his own power at all. So I carried him, with Bug trying to wedge himself between me and Goof Ball... but even on the landing, Goof Ball curled up into a ball face down and "cried." I lifted him up and put him on the kitchen floor one last step up, and he came back down to the landing and curled up again. By this time I was about to give up on our fun little videoing experience (Pro Boxer only got a small section near the end anyway... the part where Goof Ball wiggled back down to the landing to avoid doing... well, anything.) Pro Boxer paused in the videoing to turn on *ahem* the big present for the year, which we may or may not be doing in subsequent years... not that it is all that expensive, but well... I won't get into it. Suffice it to say they haven't gotten a lot of play time on it, and that isn't because we spent the week of Christmas away from home.

Whatever the case, we are home now, and I'm constantly trying to convince myself to go exercise, or clean, or do... something. Something more worthwhile than writing (IS there anything more worthwhile than that?? ... ~_^ jk) or pretty much wasting time on the computer. I am trying to finish up Great Expectations before the semester starts... I'm about 3/4's done with it.

And life has returned to somewhat normalcy. We are working on teaching Goof Ball what a potty is. THAT will be fun, let me tell you... *rolls eyes.

See ya in a week or two... or three...? After all, I'll be quite busy this semester despite my minimal what... 15 credits? Hope all is well with all you all... you all.

P.S.

And just cause I conveniently had them on my computer already, here are the above mentioned videos. Someday... maybe... we'll own an actual camcorder, and then we won't have such issues when we try to do videos. But for now... enjoy the moment. Truthfully it actually is a pretty fun family video. ^_^ (sorry it is sideways...) And due in part partly because it is a camera taking a video, and partly because the card was filled (we obviously didn't think about that), this is all you get... you don't even get to see what is making all that racket. ;) I guess I'll have to take a picture of it someday and post it just to satisfy your curiosity.