Autumn Sky is so beautiful

Or maybe it is the contrast between the vibrant blue and yellow leaves, yet I just am in awe every time I see it.  I still can't quite figure out the difference between the color of the sky between the seasons, but it seems to be different somehow, more radiant, more beautifully blue.  I saw it today in the calm before the wind picked up and a rain storm ensued.

I wonder why, in one of the most colorful/beautiful seasons, all the plants are dying.  Is this God trying to tell us that death is beautiful, or just depressing because everything is turning an ugly brown?

I'm sorry I have been MIA for the past few months.  I have had a lot of emotional problems, and sad to say, because of concerned comments from my family (parents especially), I have been hesitant to talk about my problems on here, and use this as a personal counseling session as it has previously been.  I wonder if the lack of this has been making my problems worse, I'm not sure.  Family.  Friends.  Know this:  No matter how ******y my life gets, I will never EVER even think of committing suicide.  My faith is strong enough still (don't ask me how) that I have a sure knowledge that if I end up doing such a thing, my life will be much more crappy after I die than it would ever be down here, so I may as well suck it up and just keep going.  No matter how depressed or negative I get, suicide just isn't an option for me.  It never will be.

Another possible reason for my lack of posts may be the fact that I just haven't had as strong a testimony as I previously have.  In fact, it has been so bad that going back to look at previous posts of mine right after Little Angel died made me almost feel the need to throw up, they are so full of faith and happy gospel goodness that I just couldn't handle it.  Seeing where I am now, I wonder how I ever was that way before.  Yet I was, I haven't deleted any posts, you can go look for yourself.  Knowing that I used to be that way, I suppose I haven't wanted to disappoint my family/parents by letting them know just how bad off I was - in this regard.

I'm really tired.  My head really REALLY hurts.  I may be coming down with a cold.  I need to go sleep.  But I wanted you to know that I'm still kickin'.  Somehow.  I have really great friends, and though I don't understand why, they keep saying to me that I'm really great and one of the nicest people that they know, and blah blah blah compliment blah.  It's really strange that for someone who really doesn't believe that she has any worth, still works herself sick to prove that she is worth something.

I'm thinking of taking a bath before I go to bed.  Maybe that will help.

Then again... maybe not.  Baths can't revive the dead.

Summer:

The time to rest, the time to play, the time to get my house back in order, the time to prepare for next semester.  The time to be lazy.

And "lazy" is about all I have done this summer.  Oh, I have tried to break out of it, but it always falls through.  Wii Fit every day!  Stomach program every day!  Cleaning program every day!  Practice Japanese!  Read to kids!  Sign kids up for swimming lessons!  Sign them up for the reading program at the library!  Practice trumpet every day!


You get the idea.

Despite all of my good intentions, I just can't win over myself.  I have NO self control, which is a problematic thing when I'm trying to be a more responsible adult.  Oh, I have done stuff... I have invited people over and we have watched anime.  I have almost completed a huge knitting project that is on hold as I wait for more yarn to arrive.  I have done... stuff.  But not stuff that I felt like I needed to do.  It has all been about what I have wanted to do.  I wanted to work out on the Wii fit every day - until the rhythm ones (like the marching band one, and kung-fu and boxing) wouldn't work properly and it claimed that I was half a beat late for every beat.  I'm a music person.  Such a thing is nearly impossible for me.  Oh, I wanted to do the cleaning program every day and keep our home in some kind of order - until vacation time came up and got me out of the groove.  I wanted to do all those crossed out things, but laziness always won over.  And as a result, my current jeans that have fit for years.... are starting to stretch to the limits.

As a result of doing way too much knitting all summer, I have started to possibly have problems with carpal tunnel.  Same repetitive motion, over and over, for hours, days, weeks... naturally that was bound to have an affect on me.  I went to a massage therapist and she worked out some muscles that were the root cause of the carpal tunnel, and she said that Pro Boxer could be able to do the same massages on me.  But we haven't once had him try and do it.  I should... it is free massaging, after all.  I suppose that comes into the laziness category as well.  Too lazy for a massage?  Or possibly too forgetful...

I took a few pictures, planned to write a story about them on here, and.... laziness.  Or possibly forgetfulness.  Either one probably works.

I hope your summer has been a great one.  I'm going to try and stand up and practice my trumpet and exercise and do things... but it may all fall through again.  My motivation doesn't stand up to my laziness.  But I'll try.  It is about the only thing I'm good at.  Getting back up and trying again.

Thoughts and feelings

I have had this window open for the last few days, reminding myself to post.  There are a few things weighing on my mind, but I'm not quite sure how to put them into words just yet (a very vexing feeling for a writer...).  I have wanted to post, and intended to post - but the words just won't come to my mind on what I want to express, nor how to do it.

Maybe eventually I'll get to posting a real post (because this one is a fake - I tricked you, didn't I?), but it will have to wait until my confused mind will be able to do it justice.

Musical nerds at work.

This is just awesome. Get holes in your garden hose? What else to do but make an instrument! Enjoy.

http://www.wimp.com/coolestmen/

Passion

I just started thinking today about my family, and it made me start to wonder what I'm passionate about.  I have lots of brothers and two sisters.  The more I think about them, and their passions, makes me think about me.  Most of the things that my siblings are passionate about are worthwhile things.  Running, their job (photography), making healthy meals for their kids, insuring worthwhile activities for their kids, music/trumpeting (again job), the gospel/faith that we were all raised with...

And then there's me.  I like writing, I like drawing, I like playing my trumpet, I like reading books (novels and manga), I like watching anime, I like playing with my kids, I like knitting, I like cross-stitching.  But of all of these hobbies, the ones I would say I could be considered "passionate" about would be reading manga and watching anime.  Neither really has much to do with a job that I'm planning on having... and in general, they just tend to be an excuse to sit around on my butt and laze around all day.  Watching anime usually is combined with knitting... but the fact is the same - they aren't exactly worthwhile uses of my time.  Sure I could use the excuse that I'm just recuperating from my very busy semester, but after a whole month... that might not go over so well anymore.  And for the most part... that is almost all I have done this month.  I have cleaned when needed, and made ... maybe one or two healthy meals for dinner.  I have things lined up that I intend to do, but having not done them in this long while, it is starting to make me think that I'm really just a lazy person.  When I have nothing else that needs to be done, I just lay around and do nothing.  I intend to practice my trumpet more this summer so I won't have to work up to my talent again at the beginning of Fall semester, I intend to work out more so that I'll be in shape come marching band season; I intend to have my trumpet professionally cleaned and get the dents knocked out (thanks to the money from my Jazz scholarship); I have all these intentions, but none of them have been accomplished.  And the cause of the problem that I have come to is that maybe I'm just not passionate enough about the things that I'm doing.  Oh, I had passion before - that is what got me in the mess of having so many hobbies.

When all I see ahead of me are months and months of no agenda, I send the kids downstairs to play on the Wii, and I sit at my computer reading or watching anime, or just mainly wasting time (often on Bacefook).

I hate self realization times like these, because when I come to this realization, I have two choices.  Get off my lazy butt and go do something, or give in and just continue on the path that I am already on.  And I usually tend to pick the latter.

Grades and summer projects

Tis a lame title that lacks creativity I know, but I decided to get right to the point.

Apparently curiosity won over fear of seeing the grades... I passed all my classes.  The other two English classes and Japanese are all in the B range.  Wind Orchestra was an A of course...  But my gpa fell below a 3 again... I hope I can get it up to at least a 3 before I graduate. That is my goal.  One more year to get it.  It'd be cool to wear cords around my neck... but that will most definitely not happen.

So now that summer is upon us, I am working on this:

Tis a coat.  The front is really pretty too, but I can't find a picture of that on the internet.  I saw this advertised in a Vogue Knitting magazine, and loved it from the start.  The front has buttons that go all the way down.  Of course I'm still working on that blue sweater for someone else, but after doing the same thing over and over, I decided to spend the time doing something for myself.  And though this will be the same pattern repeated over and over all the way up... there are different cables in there - and that changes things up enough that I think I won't get bored with this one as easily.  Well, we can hope. ^_^

I have other things on the back burner, but this is my main project that I would like to get done for next winter.  It is made with really thick wool yarn, and Pro Boxer keeps saying, "That is going to be really warm."  Yes... that is my hope. ^_^

So good news all around.  I guess a lot of you readers out there were waiting for that for some time.  Hopefully I'll have enough rest this summer to be able to tackle one more year of college.  Knitting and working on my story are both things that I think will help me rest sufficiently.  Especially if I get to show this off during the winter... I'm excited.

Mommys make the best beds

So, school is out. I'm writing this with one hand so that this:

will not be interrupted. It is hard to type with one hand, especially when most of my keys are missing their label. Goof Ball missed me quite a bit this semester. One proof of that is the above picture. He has been particularly clingy lately. Even nearing the last week of the semester, whenever I was home, he would want to play or sit on my lap... both things are not situations that are conducive to essay writing, so I would stay at campus to work on my essays, which of course, escalated the problem.

I have found, however, that there is only so much of this (refer to above picture) that I can take. I love my children dearly, don't get me wrong... but I am in a transition stage. I am having to get used to spending so much time with them again, and I am sure it is the same for the kids. It is getting-used-to-each-other-again time, and I'm trying to be as patient as I can. The cuddles I can stand a bit better than other things.

Goof Ball is at a hard stage as it is. He is struggling (I think) with being the second boy. He is also struggling with independence - he wants to be able to do everything by himself (especially things that Bug does) yet he can't, because he is not yet old enough. To make up for it, he screams, he hits, he pushes - most of these are directed at Bug - and he tells people what not to do. "No" is a frequent word of his... as well as "Stop!" He is "master of the house" and he needs everyone to know and understand - and feed him cereal constantly. It gets to the point that come bed time, I am barely holding in the yells to get the two to go to sleep. Bug, as sensitive as he is, sees Goof Ball's actions as a sign that Goof Ball doesn't like him. Which of course, sets them both off, and they both need loves and hugs before they will calm down. And there is only one of me.

It's transition time again, and thankfully I'll only have to go through this one more time - that is if my grades will hold up, and I don't have to retake classes. All of my teachers reassured me that I would pass their classes, but I am still too nervous to check. I checked once - yesterday I think - and only one teacher had posted grades. I got a C. *wipe of the brow - it is a pass. I have to get at least a C- to pass. The next two I am the most worried about. They are the two classes that I had with the same teacher. Britain Literary History and Shakespeare. They covered the same time period and both very interesting classes, but I just couldn't do my best in them because of my job with The King and my writing class. In fact, I turned things in late and slugged my way through it so much that I wonder how the teacher can be so forgiving and understanding when I was shlupping it up in both of her classes! I felt horrible every time I had to e-mail her explaining another mess up.

Well what comes will come... I will check the grades again (maybe in a week - I need to muster up the courage again) and we'll see you on the other side.

One last thought... as Goof Ball is being so independent lately, maybe it might be time to start him on potty training...? Ponderous...