Summer:

The time to rest, the time to play, the time to get my house back in order, the time to prepare for next semester.  The time to be lazy.

And "lazy" is about all I have done this summer.  Oh, I have tried to break out of it, but it always falls through.  Wii Fit every day!  Stomach program every day!  Cleaning program every day!  Practice Japanese!  Read to kids!  Sign kids up for swimming lessons!  Sign them up for the reading program at the library!  Practice trumpet every day!


You get the idea.

Despite all of my good intentions, I just can't win over myself.  I have NO self control, which is a problematic thing when I'm trying to be a more responsible adult.  Oh, I have done stuff... I have invited people over and we have watched anime.  I have almost completed a huge knitting project that is on hold as I wait for more yarn to arrive.  I have done... stuff.  But not stuff that I felt like I needed to do.  It has all been about what I have wanted to do.  I wanted to work out on the Wii fit every day - until the rhythm ones (like the marching band one, and kung-fu and boxing) wouldn't work properly and it claimed that I was half a beat late for every beat.  I'm a music person.  Such a thing is nearly impossible for me.  Oh, I wanted to do the cleaning program every day and keep our home in some kind of order - until vacation time came up and got me out of the groove.  I wanted to do all those crossed out things, but laziness always won over.  And as a result, my current jeans that have fit for years.... are starting to stretch to the limits.

As a result of doing way too much knitting all summer, I have started to possibly have problems with carpal tunnel.  Same repetitive motion, over and over, for hours, days, weeks... naturally that was bound to have an affect on me.  I went to a massage therapist and she worked out some muscles that were the root cause of the carpal tunnel, and she said that Pro Boxer could be able to do the same massages on me.  But we haven't once had him try and do it.  I should... it is free massaging, after all.  I suppose that comes into the laziness category as well.  Too lazy for a massage?  Or possibly too forgetful...

I took a few pictures, planned to write a story about them on here, and.... laziness.  Or possibly forgetfulness.  Either one probably works.

I hope your summer has been a great one.  I'm going to try and stand up and practice my trumpet and exercise and do things... but it may all fall through again.  My motivation doesn't stand up to my laziness.  But I'll try.  It is about the only thing I'm good at.  Getting back up and trying again.

Thoughts and feelings

I have had this window open for the last few days, reminding myself to post.  There are a few things weighing on my mind, but I'm not quite sure how to put them into words just yet (a very vexing feeling for a writer...).  I have wanted to post, and intended to post - but the words just won't come to my mind on what I want to express, nor how to do it.

Maybe eventually I'll get to posting a real post (because this one is a fake - I tricked you, didn't I?), but it will have to wait until my confused mind will be able to do it justice.

Musical nerds at work.

This is just awesome. Get holes in your garden hose? What else to do but make an instrument! Enjoy.

http://www.wimp.com/coolestmen/

Passion

I just started thinking today about my family, and it made me start to wonder what I'm passionate about.  I have lots of brothers and two sisters.  The more I think about them, and their passions, makes me think about me.  Most of the things that my siblings are passionate about are worthwhile things.  Running, their job (photography), making healthy meals for their kids, insuring worthwhile activities for their kids, music/trumpeting (again job), the gospel/faith that we were all raised with...

And then there's me.  I like writing, I like drawing, I like playing my trumpet, I like reading books (novels and manga), I like watching anime, I like playing with my kids, I like knitting, I like cross-stitching.  But of all of these hobbies, the ones I would say I could be considered "passionate" about would be reading manga and watching anime.  Neither really has much to do with a job that I'm planning on having... and in general, they just tend to be an excuse to sit around on my butt and laze around all day.  Watching anime usually is combined with knitting... but the fact is the same - they aren't exactly worthwhile uses of my time.  Sure I could use the excuse that I'm just recuperating from my very busy semester, but after a whole month... that might not go over so well anymore.  And for the most part... that is almost all I have done this month.  I have cleaned when needed, and made ... maybe one or two healthy meals for dinner.  I have things lined up that I intend to do, but having not done them in this long while, it is starting to make me think that I'm really just a lazy person.  When I have nothing else that needs to be done, I just lay around and do nothing.  I intend to practice my trumpet more this summer so I won't have to work up to my talent again at the beginning of Fall semester, I intend to work out more so that I'll be in shape come marching band season; I intend to have my trumpet professionally cleaned and get the dents knocked out (thanks to the money from my Jazz scholarship); I have all these intentions, but none of them have been accomplished.  And the cause of the problem that I have come to is that maybe I'm just not passionate enough about the things that I'm doing.  Oh, I had passion before - that is what got me in the mess of having so many hobbies.

When all I see ahead of me are months and months of no agenda, I send the kids downstairs to play on the Wii, and I sit at my computer reading or watching anime, or just mainly wasting time (often on Bacefook).

I hate self realization times like these, because when I come to this realization, I have two choices.  Get off my lazy butt and go do something, or give in and just continue on the path that I am already on.  And I usually tend to pick the latter.

Grades and summer projects

Tis a lame title that lacks creativity I know, but I decided to get right to the point.

Apparently curiosity won over fear of seeing the grades... I passed all my classes.  The other two English classes and Japanese are all in the B range.  Wind Orchestra was an A of course...  But my gpa fell below a 3 again... I hope I can get it up to at least a 3 before I graduate. That is my goal.  One more year to get it.  It'd be cool to wear cords around my neck... but that will most definitely not happen.

So now that summer is upon us, I am working on this:

Tis a coat.  The front is really pretty too, but I can't find a picture of that on the internet.  I saw this advertised in a Vogue Knitting magazine, and loved it from the start.  The front has buttons that go all the way down.  Of course I'm still working on that blue sweater for someone else, but after doing the same thing over and over, I decided to spend the time doing something for myself.  And though this will be the same pattern repeated over and over all the way up... there are different cables in there - and that changes things up enough that I think I won't get bored with this one as easily.  Well, we can hope. ^_^

I have other things on the back burner, but this is my main project that I would like to get done for next winter.  It is made with really thick wool yarn, and Pro Boxer keeps saying, "That is going to be really warm."  Yes... that is my hope. ^_^

So good news all around.  I guess a lot of you readers out there were waiting for that for some time.  Hopefully I'll have enough rest this summer to be able to tackle one more year of college.  Knitting and working on my story are both things that I think will help me rest sufficiently.  Especially if I get to show this off during the winter... I'm excited.

Mommys make the best beds

So, school is out. I'm writing this with one hand so that this:

will not be interrupted. It is hard to type with one hand, especially when most of my keys are missing their label. Goof Ball missed me quite a bit this semester. One proof of that is the above picture. He has been particularly clingy lately. Even nearing the last week of the semester, whenever I was home, he would want to play or sit on my lap... both things are not situations that are conducive to essay writing, so I would stay at campus to work on my essays, which of course, escalated the problem.

I have found, however, that there is only so much of this (refer to above picture) that I can take. I love my children dearly, don't get me wrong... but I am in a transition stage. I am having to get used to spending so much time with them again, and I am sure it is the same for the kids. It is getting-used-to-each-other-again time, and I'm trying to be as patient as I can. The cuddles I can stand a bit better than other things.

Goof Ball is at a hard stage as it is. He is struggling (I think) with being the second boy. He is also struggling with independence - he wants to be able to do everything by himself (especially things that Bug does) yet he can't, because he is not yet old enough. To make up for it, he screams, he hits, he pushes - most of these are directed at Bug - and he tells people what not to do. "No" is a frequent word of his... as well as "Stop!" He is "master of the house" and he needs everyone to know and understand - and feed him cereal constantly. It gets to the point that come bed time, I am barely holding in the yells to get the two to go to sleep. Bug, as sensitive as he is, sees Goof Ball's actions as a sign that Goof Ball doesn't like him. Which of course, sets them both off, and they both need loves and hugs before they will calm down. And there is only one of me.

It's transition time again, and thankfully I'll only have to go through this one more time - that is if my grades will hold up, and I don't have to retake classes. All of my teachers reassured me that I would pass their classes, but I am still too nervous to check. I checked once - yesterday I think - and only one teacher had posted grades. I got a C. *wipe of the brow - it is a pass. I have to get at least a C- to pass. The next two I am the most worried about. They are the two classes that I had with the same teacher. Britain Literary History and Shakespeare. They covered the same time period and both very interesting classes, but I just couldn't do my best in them because of my job with The King and my writing class. In fact, I turned things in late and slugged my way through it so much that I wonder how the teacher can be so forgiving and understanding when I was shlupping it up in both of her classes! I felt horrible every time I had to e-mail her explaining another mess up.

Well what comes will come... I will check the grades again (maybe in a week - I need to muster up the courage again) and we'll see you on the other side.

One last thought... as Goof Ball is being so independent lately, maybe it might be time to start him on potty training...? Ponderous...

Numb

As I suspected, I woke up numb this morning. I have been numb all day long. While in such a state, I desired to find a way to describe it - such is the mind of a writer I suppose. I go around every day, every second, trying to take in more sensory details and find ways to describe them. The other day I saw a 13 year old girl who had hair just lighter than my own. People used to say that I had "dirty blond" hair. I hated that. It made me feel like I was dirty and was lesser than people who had "pure" hair color. I didn't want to label that 13 year old with the same color hair as myself. And then the bus drove past a building under construction that had just recently added plywood for sides. Her hair blended with it perfectly. But then again... plywood colored hair isn't much better.

Anyway... numbness. Other people who aren't myself would probably define it as depressed. Whether or not that is true, this is what numbness is for me.

I get up and go through the normal labors of the day, skipping out on things that I absolutely abhor. If I don't need to do it, I won't. Funnily enough, my priorities are a bit skued when I am like this. For example, homework is a priority. I know that, because I got up at 5:30 this morning to do it, and I did it. I didn't finish it (for lack of time) but I did it. I didn't eat breakfast. Someone once told me that there are two people. Those who live to eat, and those who eat to live. I am of the latter. If it takes too much effort (I had to wash a spoon this morning to have my breakfast = too much effort) than I won't do it (usually). Especially when I am numb. I could feel the pangs, sadly when I am emotionally turned off, it doesn't do much for my physical self. Yet I didn't eat, and the pangs soon left me. People's defined "needs" get messed up in my mind. Maybe this is a reflection of what my priorities really are, but that can be a discussion for another day.

I range from extreme outbursts of laughter (that I'm still not sure are forced or sincere) to staring at the floor, unblinking until my eyelids shudder and force me to blink. When I am around people, I can act normal. When I am by myself, I disappear inside again and start staring again. Sometimes being alone includes sitting with a bunch of other people but none of them take notice to me, or if they do, they ignore me and turn away probably not knowing what to say.

I also found today that when I am like this, I do not need people to hug me and tell me what a great person I am. Don't tell me of all the good things that I have done or am doing right now. I will not believe you, and I believe that it will turn me inward even more, wanting to prove that I'm not as great as you think I am. I need someone to tell me how horrible I am, and tell me things that I do wrong. Showing me love when I am like this won't improve my mood - for my emotions are turned off and I'll turn more stubborn because I know that I don't deserve any such thing.

No one ever tells me that I do things wrong (no, not even when I'm NOT depressed). No one ever tells me that I'm bad or that I need to do better in anything. I know that I am not perfect - yet no one ever tells me off or seems to dislike me or anything. People I talk to about this even say that no one talks bad about me when I'm not there either.

Why can no one understand? Why am I so invisible?

I... don't know what to say anymore. And maybe my previous suspicions and beliefs above won't do any good. I hurt. I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand myself anymore. Yet I can't sit here and tell you what it is that I hate about myself. I have no idea what reasoning this came from. It is just there. Buried deep within my soul, and I feel like shit. I can't understand why people look at me with such respect and befriend me. I don't know what to do to get it out, and I have lost faith in almost everything. The King told me once that I was lying to myself and that I did believe that Christ has the power to heal and help me. It is likely that is certainly true. I do believe that. But I don't believe Him. There is a nifty little book out there (that I have started a few times, but have never finished) called Believing Christ. I believe in Christ, as in I believe he has the power. But I don't believe that he will. Not for me. Humility on steroids. You could maybe say that I'm so humble that I have lost all hope. There is no reason why I would ever be good enough to be saved, or healed or anything. No reason at all. (I can see it now, all my Mormon family and friends saying, "Oh, but there is! Because you are a child of God!")

I have forgotten who I am, I suppose. Because I can't believe that. I have been singing it since I was a toddler. But I can't believe it. I'm not sure I ever believed it. I always strove to show my worth, to prove my worth, to work so hard and earn two young woman medallions (I was about to "graduate" when they changed from one to the other. I finished the old one, then did the new one.) After living this long in my life, I'm finally beginning to realize that all that I have done has done nothing to prove my worth. I take on more than 19 credit hours work to prove my worth and fail in many aspects, and sometimes can't find the strength to go on.

Christ has the power, I have no doubt of that. But I have many doubts that he would use any of that power for me. There is nothing amazing about me. I'm just one more soul on the earth - one more of thousands of millions.