Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Without doubt there cannot be faith

Once upon a time there was a woman who trusted God more than she trusted anyone else.  People had done bad things to her, but she was able to live with it, because she believed that God would heal her one day.  She trusted her parents, because they taught her about God.  She trusted her siblings because they knew her and what had happened to her, and they still loved and accepted her.

The woman got married.

Her husband is one of the most patient people on the earth.  Despite the haunt of the woman's past that forced her to push her husband away when he only needed love, he still loved and accepted her.  He never got upset when she pushed him away, he only had love for the woman.

The woman started breaking.

So many times the woman bent on her knees begging God with all that she had to heal her so she wouldn't have to feel like she was being ripped apart every time she pushed her husband that she loved so much away.  There was nothing the woman could do.  It was either not push her husband away and live in memories of her past as he continued, or push him away and deal with the extreme pain that came from pushing him away.  Many times when the woman begged to be healed, she felt an extreme weight lift off of her shoulders and she felt free.  She felt like she had finally been healed.  Months past and her husband was able to enjoy every part of her without her memories haunting their relationship.

And then he'd come in for a kiss again and she would flinch.

After so many repeats, the woman started doubting.  Her extreme trust in God failed her.  She didn't know if she could ever really believe if she was healed or not, and was tired of the hope raising only to be smashed back down again with reality staring her in the face.  Any possible knowledge of her worth that she may have had dismissed.  If she really was worth something, why wasn't she healed yet?

Then one day, she realized the truth.

She realized that her whole life had been a lie.  She realized that she hadn't ever forgiven the person who hurt her.  And instead of loving him, she realized that she was filled with hate.  The bitterness and anger from 18+ years stared her in the face, and she realized that every thing that she had done, all her feelings, was an act.  Not only to fool the people around her into thinking that she was a loving, forgiving person, but also to herself.  She had been lying to herself for nearly her whole life.

She wasn't praying to God anymore.  She hated going to church and feeling like she was unworthy.  Once the woman came to a realization of herself, she didn't know what to do with it.  It had been bubbling and boiling inside of her for so long, that she didn't know how to deal with it.  She had always lived her life trying not to lie to anyone, and then she realized that everything in her life had been a lie.

Nothing made sense anymore.

One day she was thinking about the questions that a good friend had asked her.  How she felt about how God saw her and how that contradicted with the logic that God loves everyone and that everyone has worth in his eyes.  She didn't feel like she had any worth at all.  And then thoughts and questions came to mind, almost as if she were talking to someone else.  She tried to answer the questions as much as she could, but she still couldn't get out of her mind that she must be an evil person for hating the person who hurt her.  The thought came to her mind, "So you finally came to a realization of yourself.  It's natural to hate knowing what happened to you.  What matters now is what you will do with it.  So what will you do?"

She didn't know how to answer.

It stayed silent in her mind for a long while.  The first thing to happen after the silence is that the woman remembered about how she had felt to the person who hurt her.  Memories of the love that she had felt toward him.  Then the thought came, "See?  That's just a part of who you are."

The woman didn't know what to do.

She was confused again.  The logic and experiences weren't measuring up together.  Logic and feelings clashed.  Doubt and faith.  She hadn't even been thinking about praying when the thoughts started in her head.  She couldn't even be sure if she was actually talking to some spiritual being, or if she was having a conversation with herself.  She often makes a habit of that - while thinking about what she will say to someone, she thinks through the conversation in her head, predicting what the other person will say.  She didn't know what to believe anymore.

And so her life continues in a kind of limbo.  Not sure what to believe, not sure what to feel.

Not sure who to trust.