Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Dear World,

I'm weary.

I'm tired of the hate. I'm tired of the backbiting. I'm tired of the slamming. I'm tired of the murders and shootings. I'm just ... I'm done.

First off, it is possible to get along with someone even if you don't agree with them. Shocker.

Example: I'm a member of a very good writer's group. We get together to eat dinner after meetings. During said dinners, our subjects can range from politics to whether or not anime music is similar to 80's American music. Didn't know that was a subject up for debate? Well it was at one of our gatherings. To get to my point, no matter how "hot" a subject is (politics, for example), and how varied our opinions are, we still all get along. Even if one of our numbers is a Drumpf supporter and one is an avid HilClint supporter. I still like them, and they both still get along. I may not agree with their opinions, but that's just the thing. They are opinions. And opinions aren't fact. And they are as varied as there are sands of the sea - because that's how many people there are on this large earth, or who have lived, or who will live. Heck, I even get along with the avid Star Wars fan and the avid Star Trek fan (and they get along with each other as well). Astonishing.

I think it's even more strange that such a situation is abnormal in this world today.

Second, to quote Dr. Suess: "A person's a person, no matter how small." And I may add - no matter who they love, no matter their skin color, no matter their gender, no matter their nationality, no matter who they worship, no matter if they use a chair to move from place to place, no matter if they are hearing or not, no matter if they express themselves differently than you... no matter.... well anything really. A person's a person. Period. And being a person gives them worth. Being a person, no matter how different from you they are, demands respect.

Third, people have taken a liking to blaming mothers for, oh all sorts of things. But particularly when a tragic accident happens--like a child getting into a zoo enclosure, or a toddler getting run over by a car when the mom quickly stepped inside for something--they blame the mother for not being attentive enough. The thing about accidents are that they are accidental. Mothers of tragic accidents are just as human as you are, and the thing about humans are - we aren't perfect. We can't be everywhere at the same time, and there are times, yes, when accidents happen when we happen to be absent for even a second. Stop the hate and blaming. Start the love and compassion. Those mothers will blame themselves for the rest of their lives - trust me, I know.

There are enough critics and haters in the world. What we need is more love, more acceptance, more open-mindedness. That's how you be the change that we so desperately need. Be the love. Teach your kids to love. Everyone. Love is the only way to change things around.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Join me on a journey

On account of the lack of comments, that I don't post nearly as often as I used to, and the fact that personal blogs have kind of lost popularity, I'm not really sure who checks on this anymore. But I have been going back through my posts during the last three or four years as research for one of my pieces I've been working on, and thought that I should share my thoughts on here for those of you who have read those depressing posts when they clearly showed my emotional roller coaster. Some of the posts being so depressing that you may have worried for my life.

The reason why I needed to go back and read those posts is simple. I have changed so much from the person I was then that I couldn't even imagine how I felt back then. Which is very very good news. I couldn't remember situations, feelings, there was no memory of what my daily life was like, or of my emotional state. Trying to remember was like trying to walk through a cloud of darkness. That's all those years were to me. So in an attempt to talk about that part of my life in this piece I'm working on, I went back to my blog to see what it really was to be Shay during that time of my life.

I've come out of that research to say, my outlook on life has changed greatly. So much that I'm astonished. I still have rough days. But they aren't nearly as crippling as they were back then. Nor as long lasting. I hesitate to say this--because the healing journey has been a roller coaster by necessity, and I never truly knew if it was over or not, and never wanted to get my hopes up--but I believe that I have healed. From both of my life traumas. That doesn't mean that forgiveness has happened. I still have a huge pile of hatred and anger towards the ones who hurt me that I need to deal with. But from the time that my bubble popped about four years ago, and I stopped hiding from the dark emotions that the abuse gave me, I have been able to heal from the pain. I can stand family functions without feeling like I have to recover from it afterward. And though the hesitation is there regarding saying that I've "healed" from losing Little Angel, I think it's less that I've healed, and more that I've come to an acceptance that it's happened. Sadness will probably always be there, but the pain isn't nearly as fierce or as crippling.

The journey I've been on has been a very long one. At least twenty years. Nearly my whole life. Sometime in the last few years or so, I stopped relying on anything spiritual to help me. Partially because of my issues I mentioned in the posts during that time (not trusting God or that I was important enough to him, etc...), and partially because I was tired. I was tired of sometimes gaining the help that I needed, and other times feeling abandoned. I gained a lot of help simply from having amazing friends that I trusted. People that I didn't feel the need to pretend for. Or hide my feelings from. I've always felt like I could be myself around them, and they wouldn't judge me or tell me to act a certain way. I've also gained a lot of help from my martial arts class, which I have mentioned a few times on here. There I found a second place where I didn't have to pretend for anyone. Those two things gave me the chance I needed to simply be myself. And the more I was myself, the less I wanted to put a mask on for the sake of others. I grew, and not necessarily changed, but allowed myself to simply be, no strings attached.

It's been years since the darkness of night has terrified me to the point where I felt I couldn't move. Years since Pro Boxer's touch made me freeze in terror. There are still scars. Occasionally I'll have a small setback. But not to the point where I have a panic attack. Not to the point where I hate myself from the fear of disappointing Pro Boxer because I pushed him away again.

I still don't know what to think. I don't know how much of this healing has been me and the choices I've made or how much of it has been from God or some other spiritual thing. I'm not sure I'll ever know until the end. And almost, I'm not sure it matters that much. The fact of the matter is that I have come a great way, and I am grateful for whatever help I've been given. I'm still not sure where I sit on spiritual matters. Church gives me anxiety. Even thinking about going to church gives me anxiety. It makes my heart pound, and my muscles weak, and I feel out of breath and light headed. I don't know when I'll come to some sort of conclusion with that. I'm just going at my own pace right now. I do the things I want to do. Sometimes that means going to church, sometimes it doesn't. I've gone at my own pace this whole healing journey, and I've had such great success, I figure I'll keep up with that pace for now.

At the end of the day, I've grown a lot. I've moved from self-loathing to self-accepting. I've gone from being depressed nearly every day for months--years--on end, to enjoying my life. I'm in a much better place, and I wanted to let you all know that. I may not be where you want me to be, but I'm still on this journey, and I intend to continue improving and becoming a better person.