Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Anniversary, Halloween, and an official announcement.

Well, one year from today, I started my blog. Pretty neat that I chose to do it on Halloween huh? Anyway... as my feet ache after taking Bug around in my new killer (literally) high heel boots, I have a few things to talk about... Well, I guess the first I already have... it is an anniversary today! Or a birthday... whatever you want to say. I guess we'll call it a birthday. The birthday of my blog! Happy one year to you!!!

The next are, I have some Halloween pictures to post, and I will do so, forthwith.

First, some cute ones of Bug. He is a construction worker, and he is having his first fun in the leaves seeing as the leaves in our backyard aren't really the kind of leaves to do this with.

Here's a family one of us all. Rocket Scientist put the tape on me. I think he did a heck of a job, don't you?

And yes, if you looked close enough at my costume, there something in my skeleton that isn't in some. And that leads me into my official announcement.

I'm PREGNANT!!! ^_^ This is the official announcement. I thought this would be a fun way to do it. ^_^ So, as I'm looking at these pictures, it actually looks like I'm pregnant. Like, I'm big... but I'm not that far along. The EDD (expected due date) is July 2, and I haven't seen the doctor yet, just made the appointment. Anyway, hope you have a safe and fun Halloween night! ^_^

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Seems like fun...

Go to your 4th folder and pick the 4th picture and then give a brief description.

Now to see what that picture is...

So, in my fourth folder had other folders that were all empty. So I in fact went to my fourth folder with pictures in it, which happened to be full with pictures from reunions. This one was at a reunion of my high school friends. We hadn't all been together since I graduated (I was the oldest) and even then, we were still missing one of our friends. Anyway... so there you have it. ^_^

And I tag anyone and everyone who wants to do it! It was pretty fun... ^_^

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Wonder of wonders, Miracle of miracles

Like the tailor in Fiddler on the Roof, it is a wonder of wonders and miracle of miracles that Rocket Scientist asked me to marry him, but that isn't what this post is about.

We spent this weekend with family about 1 1/2 hours away from our home. It was a nice weekend away from the small apartment, and the seemingly constant housework that I tend to find on Saturday. We got home about an hour or so ago. Thankfully, in one piece. Yes, you read right... Let me get into my story now.

First things first, there were 4 construction sites in that tiny little 1 1/2 hour drive. FOUR!!! Crazy... In the first one though is our story. I was half asleep when I felt Rocket Scientist slam on his brakes. I opened my eyes in shock to see what was happening, but it was just a sudden stop on the freeway. They were closing down lanes, and that tends to cause that. We were in the fast lane. To the right was a car whose driver was either drunk, drowsy, or incredibly stupid. I'm not sure which. I didn't see what lane he came from, but he was cruising a whole lot faster than the rest of the traffic. He seemed to want to get in the lane that me and Rocket Scientist were in. The sudden slowness of our lane I think prevented that, and he had to swerve back to the lane right next to ours. This is at least the way that I saw it. Rocket Scientist was saying that he actually ended in our lane, but I'm not too sold on that.

Anyway, he was going much faster than the car in front of him, and either just barely nicked his corner, or missed him by inches. By slamming on the brakes, it caused his nose to swing into the fast lane right in front of us. I suddenly heard screeching tires, not sure from us or other cars, but amazingly enough, we avoided getting hit from any side. Rocket Scientist swerved into the shoulder and we avoided a crash. What kept me in shock fifteen minutes afterward was a discussion we had at our departing point. I figured Rocket Scientist would want me to drive since he should have been asleep anyway. I was more sleepy than him, and he insisted on driving. I felt bad. I thought that I might have been able to handle it with loud enough music.

The results of me driving just might have been drastic. Rocket Scientist handled that so smoothly, calmly, and fast. All three needed. If I had been one bit drowsy during that... I couldn't have had us come out so cleanly. I felt right after the almost collision that the only car that prevented that turn of events ending in an accident or not was us. Had Rocket Scientist not acted so fast, and we had collided, I'm sure, no positive, that it would have ended in disaster. And more than just us and the drunk/drowsy/incredibly stupid driver would have been in an accident.

Anyway, that is my version, Rocket Scientist might say something different on how it happened, but that is mine, and what I saw.

Isn't it amazing the miracles the Lord gives us in times of need? Even the small ones like Bug sleeping through the night are a huge blessing.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Little Angel's birthday

So, we just did it. We all wrote a note to Little Angel, and tied it to a balloon. We just came from outside after setting it off on it's journey. I was going to bring my camera out and take a picture, while the balloon was still seeable, but I forgot. Then when I actually did get the picture taken, the balloon was such a tiny little speck, that I thought it was useless to keep so I deleted it forgetting that it just might be seeable on a computer screen instead. So, you get a pictureless post again. Sorry about that. (after writing this whole post, I decided I could add this pic... anyway...)
For all of you who are thinking of us, we are doing Ok. We had a wonderful morning, and it has been an absolutely beautiful day. The crisp air is just wonderful right now. I'm glad that I have been blessed with such amazing friends and family to help us out. And for all you who have already sent greetings, thank you. We have felt your love and prayers. We are doing good though. I am so grateful for everything I have been given. Thank you for everything. You are all so wonderful I don't know how I ever deserved this. But thank you.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

This just in...

Radioactive Cleaning Cloth Found In Band (screened for blogger use)
by King Jigglywiggly

Two students were working late after school on February 17 in the Procrastination High School band room, where they suddenly suffered sever loss of strength, intense nausea, and drastic decreases in popularity. They were found later, huddled in the percussion equipment room, rocking back and forth on their heels and reciting lines from an expired Dungeons and Dragons handbook.

The two were instantly transported to the Gesundheit E.R., where they were pronounced dead. They were then taken to a more expensive hospital, where their condition was upgraded to "okey-dokey."

The Procrastination High School band room was called into question. Several teams of "experts" examined the room the Monday after, using infra-red goggles, metal detectors, and lie detectors. All they found was a lying, cheating, red-hot metallic mouse. However, after they resorted to using a dosimeter (instrument used to measure radiation), they found the source of the problem.

Most of the band students (or band jocks, as they prefer), store their instruments (or tools of the trade, as they prefer), in the band room instrument closet. Inside this closet was found a piece of highly-radioactive material stored in a clarinet case. The substance appeared to be an old cleaning cloth, which, ironically, was incredibly dirty.

The owner of the clarinet was brought in for questioning. "I never knew it was radioactive, and I've been playing it for years!" The student proceeded to transform into a purple, multi-tentacled mutant, strangling the questioners, and stealing all the wood pencils in the school. Animal Control was brought in and took down the beast, after accidentally tranquilizing fourteen onlookers.

After receiving this sort of a reaction from the student, the new team of investigators was reasonably apprehensive about approaching Johnny Trombone, the band teacher (lovingly dubbed Mr. T by the band), a man who spends almost all of his time in the band room. Deciding against interviewing Mr. T, the investigators took a different road.

Securing themselves behind a two-foot-thick wall of bulletproof glass, the investigators brought in three members of the band for interrogation. These interrogations ended when the investigators realized that they couldn't hear the shouted answers through the glass. The three band "jocks" were paid for their time in bottle caps, then sent home.

Despite the fierce efforts to solve the mystery of the radioactive cleaning cloth, the case was closed, still unsolved. Many factors lead to the end of investigations. One inspector found a trumpet thrown through his pickup's windshield, and another woke to find bottle caps nailed to his door forming the word "jerk." Fearing any other possible musical retributions, the case was closed. However, there is always a chance for the skeptic to do his or her own sleuthing, and whoever desires to know more about this incident, try contacting Mr. Trombone or one of the band jocks. Just make sure to call animal control first.

Shay here now... ^_^ So yeah, I was looking through old papers the other day and found one of my old high school papers in there. Wondering why I would keep such a thing, I surveyed through it. I found this article and suddenly remembered. This was the soul reason for me keeping this paper. So anyway... I thought I'd write it on here so I wouldn't have to keep it anymore. Also I thought you all could use a good laugh. This was written in the April 1st (April Fool's Day) episode by my good friend. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!!! ^_^

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Brag Tag about Rocket Scientist!

I didn't get tagged but I like this one anyway. I told myself I wouldn't do a tag even if I liked it until someone tagged me... but I couldn't hold this one in... anyways... here goes. ^_^

1. Where did you meet? ~Ok... the day we met two people were going to the wrong ward. Me and his roommate, Not Satisfied With One Woman. Ok, Ok, that name is pretty harsh... and long. Maybe I'll come up with another one before the post is up, but until then... that is the official blog name for him. I digress... so here's the scoop... I moved out of my ward boundaries in the middle of the semester. I liked my ward. I didn't want to switch, have to say bye to everyone I liked, and be the weird girl who joined our ward in the middle of the semester. I stayed in my own ward. At this time, I SHOULD have been in the ward that Rocket Scientist was in. I lived in the same dorm for Pete's sake! As for Not Satisfied With One Woman, don't ask me why he was in my ward. I have no idea. But in any case, he also should have been in Rocket Scientist's ward because they were roommates.

Before I met Rocket Scientist, I was kind of eying Not Satisfied With One Woman. Just kind of had a "thing" for him. Whatever that means. I was the FHE mom in my group, and it just so happened that Not Satisfied With One Woman was in my FHE group. One FHE activity, it was a ward function. We went and had a picnic since the warm weather was finally coming back. At this point in time, Rocket Scientist didn't know what FHE group he was in, didn't know who his Mom and Dad were in his group, and didn't know what to do that Monday night. Not Satisfied With One Woman suggested he go with him. That is the day we met. At a picnic with all of us at the wrong church function.

I admit, I didn't pay Rocket Scientist much attention that day. Like I said... I had a "thing" for his roommate, Not Satisfied With One Woman, so listened to him more than Rocket Scientist. Apparently, Rocket Scientist was taken by me by just that one outing, and was thinking of ways to ask me out. Go figure. Anyway, so that was our first meeting, and then a week or so later (I can't really remember the specifics...) Not Satisfied With One Woman and I *gasp!* started dating. "No, no! Not him!!! With a name like that he must be bad!!!" you must be saying... Yeah, well... anyway... then the end of the year came by and I headed off to a lodge in the middle of nowhere to cook for the summer in a state I didn't live in. Not Satisfied With One Woman went to California as far as I know... like I said, I can't really remember. I tend to filter unnecessary things out of my mind...

We wrote like a good couple should *rolls eyes* and I tried to get out of him why he hadn't gone on a mission. Something that should have been an eye popper from the start. In any case, I'm glad that he broke it off in the middle of the summer because away from his presence, I was able to see and understand what my mom had been telling me. Something wasn't right about him... Anyway, so yeah. That was that.

School starts again. I head back to my college town, and decide that I'm through with boys. I'm just going to concentrate on school work. Now, just for you single people out there? That is the clue that you will not actually spend time on school work. That is the time where you'll find someone... lol Just so you know. I only say that cause Rocket Scientist was determined to not think about girls either... yeah. One day as I'm being a good girl and studying... (actually I was IMing my roommate in the other room... lol) who should walk into our apartment but... Rocket Scientist! Ta-da!!! He happened to be looking for something to do, so he was wandering the dorm. I guess... he says that he wanted to see how I was doing...

So anyways, that was pretty much it. Yes, Rocket Scientist and Not Satisfied With One Woman were still roommates. Thankfully they weren't actually in the same room... just same apartment. I didn't see much of him. *whew!* One funny time when I did bump into him though I was headed to see Rocket Scientist at his apartment. Not Satisfied With One Woman said to me "Hey Beautiful..." and I shrugged it off. Can't actually remember what I said, if anything, but I thought it was kind of funny that he was trying to "start it up again". Not on your life!! Oh, and for the harshness of his name? I found out the school semester that I was dating Rocket Scientist that the night that Not Satisfied With One Woman and I started our relationship, he actually had a date with another person... yeah... hence his name...

Sorry that was so long... I have a tendency to write too much as my faithful readers will tell you... hehe

2. How long did you date before you were married? ~Six.

3. How long have you been married for? ~Three and almost a half.

4. What is one thing he does that surprises you? ~This isn't very romantic, but here goes... he walks really quiet. He can come up behind me without me knowing, and then scare me cause he is really quiet with his steps...

5. What is your favorite feature about him? ~His hair, and his smile, and his skinnynes (but that can frustrate me as well...), and the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, and his... Ok, you get the idea.

6. What is your favorite quality about him? ~He is so patient.

7. Does he have a nick name for you? ~Well, he does call me Shay but I got that before I met him, and I also have to say that if he did, do you actually think I'd post it on the internet?

8. What is his favorite color? ~Green

9. What is his favorite food? ~Anything spicy.

10. What is his favorite sport? ~Paintball (is that a sport?)

11. Who said "I Love You" first? ~Ok, I honestly don't remember..... but I did ask him, and he couldn't really remember either so I felt better. He guessed that he did though... hehe

12. Where was your first kiss? ~In his appartment. There's actually a fun story with this... Now before this, I could see "the look" in his eyes. You girls will know what I'm talking about. "The look" consists of his longing to kiss me. He had this look in his eyes for a while. Right before we kissed I saw it again. I said "Yes?" to pretty much say "What are you thinking?". He didn't hear the question in my statement. He thought I gave him an blank check. When he claimed that, I didn't know what he was talking about so I asked him. He explained it. Then he decided to write out the check. He came in to kiss me, but it was on my cheek. Guess what I said? "You missed." yeah... this whole thing is my fault. Hehe. Anyway, so that is the story.

13. What is your favorite thing to do as a couple? ~Well, we like to read together, we like to watch M*A*S*H together or any other movie/series. We like to play a computer game called Flyff together. It is a free online game. Pretty fun. Google it if you wish.

14. Do you have any kids? ~YUP!!! One cute two year old who boy is currently in my lap named Bug. Or at least that is his blogging name, and another little boy and he would be turning one in two days but he died last December. His blogging name is Little Angel.

15. What is a hidden talent of his? ~Well, he can sing really well, he can draw, and he can swing dance. His drawing and dancing have sort of dwindled from lack of use though.

16. How old is he? ~29 He totally doesn't look it though. He could pass of as my age.

17. What do you admire most about him? ~The fact that he is so patient. I was really worried about getting married. I needed someone who would be patient to take things slow if I needed it, and I did. He has been so good with that.

18. What is his favorite past time? ~It is either Anime, Computer games, or me.

19. What is his favorite kind of music? ~Not really sure. He is pretty much up for anything.

20. Do you think he will read this? ~Nope.

I tag: Can, Jan, Amy, Christina, Anni, Haylee, Karahatay, and seriously... Anyone who wants to, consider yourself tagged! ^_^

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Ok all my readers... Here is the proof that Bug was as tired as I was last night. Or this morning. Whatever you wish to say. I lay it before you...

I was on the computer wasting time (what else is the computer for?) and Bug was watching a Thomas and friends DVD from the library. I look over and what do I find? Yes, he fell asleep. As you can see. Now, what do I do with him? It is only 7... should I wake him up and hope that I can get him to sleep again later in the day, or should I put him in bed now and hope that he gets a good, and I mean GOOD nights sleep tonight? Quite puzzling...

Why, why, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

Last night, I went to bed at a usual hour. Well, usual for me... midnight. I have been trying to get to bed sooner than that, but I forget most of the time. I slept aproximately 3 hours when I heard Bug's door open. "Not now..." was the first words in my head. I knew what he wanted. He wanted his music on. Every night I put him to bed with a Brite Dreams tape. The past week or so, he has come into my room at night and asked me to turn it back on. Last night was different than the other nights. In a bad way.

I sighed, got out of bed and put his music back on cause I knew the sooner I did it, the sooner the both of us would be asleep. I don't know how long one side of tape is, but whatever it was, 15 mins maybe, he came in AGAIN. This repeated until 6. SIX! I didn't get any sleep that whole time, for one, I was having a hard time going to sleep in the first place, for two, I was ANGRY so it made it even harder to calm down enough to sleep.

"Why didn't you just let him cry in his room with a sock jammed in his door?" (the only way we can keep him from opening his door) you may ask? Quite simple. I WOULD if I lived in a house. But, I live in an apartment complex. It would wake my neighbors up. I'm not even sure now if they were woken by my failed attempts to just ignore his tantrums. I couldn't for long because I kept thinking of our upstairs neighbors and if they would wake up with it. Bug definitely had the upper hand. I had to cater to him or the neighbors would wake up just as crotchety as I was.

Why???????? I am running off of almost no sleep! I told Rocket Scientist this morning that if a certain two year old demanded anything of me the rest of the day I would seriously hurt something or someone. He had to think that through cause the day JUST started. Well, it was the same day at 3:45 in the morning too!

I heard or read somewhere that babies will find ways to get the sleep that they need. Is that still true for two year olds? I can almost see little dark circles under his eyes. I have also read that if you play music to children as they fall asleep they get attached to it, and need it playing to fall asleep cause they didn't have the chance to find their own comforting techniques. I thought we didn't have a problem with that because the past couple of weeks is the ONLY time that Bug would wake me up saying he needed his music on. This is after 2 1/2 years of playing the same tape to him. I'm sure he woke up in the middle of the night SOMETIME in those past 2 1/2 years. This is the ONLY time he has "needed" his music on to fall back asleep. And even if he is hooked to it. WHAT THEN? It isn't like I can have him screaming through the night. My neighbors need sleep too!


Friday, October 17, 2008

The long awaited post about the Mary Kay retreat. (or at least I hope it has been long awaited... lol)

Warning! Long post alert!!!

By the way, in this picture she was 75. Check out her skin! It is FLAWLESS!!! Oh, and I should mention that when this picture was taken, photoshop WASN'T available.

Rocket Scientist, Bug and I headed off last Friday around 3 or just after 3 to drop Bug off at my parents house (thanks for watching Bug for a weekend!), and we continued south to the ski resort for the retreat. The only thing that night was dinner, and thankfully, we made it in time even though we were kind of late in leaving and finding where we needed to be.

Dinner was... well it was good, but the festivities afterward were... to say the least interesting. Especially for someone who hadn't been to one of these events before (namely... me). It was entertaining, funny, and many people were recognized, which is a normal thing in my career. People get recognized with prizes (made with diamonds for the bigger accomplishments, and just really classy stuff) for the things that they do. Did I say I love my job yet? Anyway, I was expecting the recognition since we do that every week at meetings. But all the funny things? Yeah, that kind of took me off guard. But it was probably just a small look into what seminar is like, but that is for another post (after I come back from it as new director ^_^). Seminar (for those who don't know what I'm talking about...) is basically the same thing as retreat, but for the whole Mary Kay company. Everyone gathers in Texas where the headquarters are, and cheer for each other, learn from each other and don't sleep at night. At least that is what I have been told, since I have never been to seminar, that is the best I could tell you.

Anyway, back to the story... one thing that was unique about this particular retreat in my home state, was that the president of the Mary Kay company was coming. He (yes, I did say he) was hilarious! I wish I would have taken my camera with me, because when I first walked into the ballroom where everything happened (dinner, classes, etc...) there he was. Within 5 feet from me. I wanted to go say hi, but my cowardice prevented me. Besides, I didn't even have a camera. Anyway, so yeah, he was hilarious. He accepted with good graces all the craziness of all the women around him. He even wore a pink cowboy hat. Anyway, what an inspiration and wonderful man he is. I would like to actually talk to him someday... Oh, and did I tell you that the president picks only one retreat to go to a year and he chose the one that just happens to be in my home state? Yeah, pretty cool huh?

So, yeah that was the first look into the Mary Kay world that I had only heard of before. I went back to my room and fell asleep, Rocket Scientist with me even though he needed to stay on track with his graveyard shift sleeping habits. That didn't work too well this weekend, cause, well there were things going on during the day, and he couldn't really sleep in the afternoon like he normally does. He almost fell asleep during the dinner and thing afterward because that is when he normally sleeps.

So, next day now. This is Saturday, and the day starts off and ends with classes. This day was chock full of classes. The first one I got from my awesome National Sales Director. She first talked about the heritage of Mary Kay's business, and showed old magazines and things. Way cool. Then she talked a little about time management, and the program that she set up called the Perfect 10. The idea is to have 10 skin care classes in one month and 10 interviews. Then your business slingshots. Anyway, I won't get too far into that. This day was full of classes and had many inspirational quotes and things. One of them my National said and I will tell you now. "You will only perform to the level of your self-esteem." That was certainly an eye opener. My self-esteem isn't really all that high. And guess what? My work hadn't been all that great. Interesting that I hadn't realized that connection before.

So anyway, then the next class started, though I can't remember the person who talked, I got a lot of sayings from her too. She talked about two different things. "Getting your head in the game and keeping it there" and "Keeping focused". I think the overall subject matter for her was "Winning your mental game". Which is something that I really needed help with. Still do I guess. But every subject matter that they talked about was what I needed to hear. Anyway, so some of the sayings from her were:

Getting your head in the game and keeping it there
"Don't talk negative to yourself or anybody else."
"Forgive yourself for mistakes, then do it again."
"Don't ever compare yourself to others."
"Surround yourself with people that uplift you and hold you accountable."
"Reward yourself with a job well done."

Keeping focused
"Life is a doin' it yourself thing."
"We're not paid for what we know, but what we do."
"Someday is not a day of the week." (love that one)
"It's not what you think you are that holds you back. It's what you think you aren't."
"The best is always kept on life's top shelf. So reach for it."
"The #1 regret of American women is not fulfilling their dream."
"It's best to learn from the very best and copy none."
"The hardest part of faith is in the last half hour."
"The strongest form of leadership is learning how to be up while you're down."
"You can't expect too much too soon, or you do too little too late."

Then after that I think we had lunch. That was emotionally lifting in of itself because of the person that I talked to. She is in my unit (though I think she is an adoptee) and we talked about, what else?, business. I explained to her why I hadn't done much this month (it is the birth month of my son that died) and you know what she told me? She had lost two kids (I can't remember their genders). I suddenly saw her in a new light. I knew I could go to her for help no matter what. She did say that the pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it. Too much for my hopes that the pain would leave...

After lunch classes resumed. Everyone divided again (I was in the consultant/senior consultant under one year classes) and we were inspired and taught again. Here are some notes from my Time Management/Self-discipline class.

"Must know how to say no to the good so you can say yes to the better and best." (I already knew that one cause of the General Conference talk called "Good, Better, Best")

Tips from Mary Kay (herself)
  • You don't have to do it all
  • Organize your desk
  • Filing System "Touch it once"
  • Listen to educational CD's (from the Mary Kay company made by top directors)
  • 5' o clock club (wake up at five every day)
  • Get ready for the rest of the day right when you wake up. (I struggle with this. I'm still in pj's.....)
  • Work expands for the amount of time available to do it. (like if you say cleaning your house will take one day, and it will take one day. But then someone says they are coming over in a half an hour, and guess what, you get your house clean in that amount of time.)
"Action gets rid of fear and guilt"


Procrastination vs. productivity

"I haveta" vs. "I get to"
"I must finish" vs. "When can I start"
"It's SO big" vs. "I can take one step"
"I must be perfect" vs. "I can be human"
"I don't have time to play" vs. "I must make time to play"

The next class was about Finding your inner strength. So here's some thoughts from that one.

"I'm gonna mess up. Several hundred times"
"Fear only exists in your mind."
LOVE this one. "We would never tell anyone else, even our worst enemies, the things we tell ourselves. Why do we allow ourselves to do that to us?"
"Believe in yourself"
"Learn something new every day."
"Give yourself permission to change."
"You'll never know how great you can be unless you try"
"It's not who you are, it's who you choose to become."
"If what's in your dreams was not already real inside you, you couldn't dream it."
"You can make money and excuses but not both."

Then we had our holiday sales class, but I won't bore you with that. Then that day was done. AMAZING stuff!!! One thing that really surprised me was that we didn't talk a ton about the business, but how to lift ourselves up. How to feel better about ourselves, so we could do better in our business. Anyway, so people asked me after I got back how it was, and honestly, it was amazing and uplifting and really there wasn't any words to explain it.

That night I missed out on my unit's party of sorts because I didn't know about it, but I did wait for my roommates to come back. Eventually I stopped waiting and opened the hide-a-bed that I was in so we could get some sleep. They got home around 1:00 maybe 12:30 but in any case, I didn't expect them to take that long with whatever we were doing. I didn't fall asleep before they got back and we ended up talking until around 5 in the morning! Yeah, we were crazy, but I needed it. I had a lot of emotional problems I was dealing with and it was good to get them out. We talked like best friends. Talking about one thing, then switching subjects with seemingly no connection between the two subjects. It was really fun and a burden off my back as I tried to explain my feelings toward the sisters in my ward that have just had babies.

Sunday morning we had another meeting, and pretty much all that happened there was multiple people were asked to talk about their "I story". Which really is what they were before they started their business, what made them choose this business, and where they have come. All of these stories were inspirational and helped everyone know that they are not alone in their struggles. It kind of reminded me of testimony meeting. lol

Then at the end of that meeting everyone got a goal paper and we wrote down what we wanted to get and when we would get them by. On the back of that paper we needed to put a purpose. Mine I wrote in big letters. CAUSE I'M WORTH IT! I did think of writing down something to the effect that my family needs the money and all that. And that is a good purpose, but I don't think it is the best. I need to do things for me, and what better things than those that will help my family too? And every woman needs girl time. No matter how much they love their husbands or kids. If they don't do things for them, but only things for their family, they lose themselves. I know how that is. I have lost myself in being a mom, and that is good, being a mom that is, but losing myself isn't a good thing.

I made my goals and gave them to my director and I just felt so uplifted and amazed at the whole thing. I should have written this all down earlier so I could remember just how I felt, but I'm glad that I have finally written this down so when I get down, I can read it again. Sorry it is so long, but I just got so much out of this!

Thanks for reading, and I hope some of the thoughts I shared will help you in your daily lives.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Not yet

Ok, so I know I promised a post where I'm talking about retreat? Well this is not it. I need to vent, and what better place to do it than on my own blog?

Why do kids have to push their limits? Bug has been impossible tonight. He does things he know will get me mad, and then smiles when I do. I try to punish him, but that is a game too. He just sits in his time out and plays and all other things. It is driving me crazy and I can't stand it. Other mothers out there... is this just a phase? Will he get over this? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!!!


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Trying my luck again

So, yes I know it is late, and I should be in bed, and I will head there right after I write this post and post it.

At my Mary Kay retreat (which I will post about tomorrow when my eyes don't hurt as much, so get excited to see how it went!) I won a necklace-earring set. I LOVE it. Anyways, so I'm posting here cause I thought I'd try my luck again. My good friend posted this on her blog, and I thought I'd give it a go and give all my friends the same option as me.

If you go to Handbag Planet you can sign up to win a FREE handbag! It seems like they are opening their business on October 15th and are doing a give away for a grand start. They are pretty cute, though some of them aren't my style, but that doesn't get rid of their cuteness!

Anyways, look it up if you wish. Or cross your fingers for me!!!! ^_^ Yay!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Bugisms: 4

One day we were out for a walk. Bug found something that I guess he needed help with, but I couldn't see any reason for help. He looked up at me and said "help". I just looked at him, and didn't know what he wanted. Then he cupped his hands around his mouth and said "Oh, Tootles!" I almost laughed outloud. Mickey Mouse Club House is his favorite show on Playhouse Disney.

Whenever I go outside for a quick thing like putting a poopy diaper in the dumpster, or checking the mail, Bug goes to the farthest place in our apartment to the door. When I open the door, before I even get it closed, I hear Bug's excited voice saying a string of exciting things that I don't know what they mean cause I don't speak toddler. As he is saying whatever he is saying in his most excited voice, he is running to the door to give me a huge hug. He has even done this after I got out of the bathroom too... It makes me smile hugely. As if I could hold it back.

Mom: "Hey Bug, what does a bird say?"
Bug: "Kah, kah!"
Well, I guess that's what they say here... what is it about graveyards? Crows are always there. And simalarily, since I live by a graveyard, we hear a lot of crows.

I guess that is all I can think of now. These Bugisms are pretty much the same things that I have on the side bar, but ones that need more explaination then I want to put there.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Groovin' Hard. Or....... maybe not...

First off, I want to apoligize to my readers, who ever you may be. I hope there won't be many more depressing posts, but I can't gaurentee that seeing as I can't see the future. Now if I were Alice in Twilight...

Anyway, keep reading if you want to. You have been warned.

Today as I was on the bus to Jazz Band, we past by the cemetery where Little Angel was buried. It is kind of inevitable that I should keep seeing the cemetery seeing as my apartment complex is right by it. For some reason when the bus gets to a certain part I remember walking with a good friend as she tried to stay in shape while she was 8 months pregnant, and I was trying to get my baby fat to disappear. Yes, she was mentioned in one of my previous posts (just had her baby, over nine pounds, natural birth, amazing... you get the picture).

Remembering her made me want to go visit her today. I realized I have kind of been avoiding her, though I want to see her so much 'cause she is such an inspiration for me. She is truly an angel in disguise. Why would I want to avoid someone so amazing she lifts the spirit of a room by just being in it? I guess it might be kind of selfish of me, but I don't want to be in any close proximity to an infant. Almost like I'm scared of them.

I have another friend in my ward that recently had a baby. This baby was a preemie and had to be in the hospital for almost a month or close to that. The sister I'm talking about is kind of quiet and we haven't really had much to do with each other since I have a tendency to fall in to my quiet nature as well. We are just starting a friendship and she is really an amazing woman and she is really sweet. She almost reminds me of my sister, Texas Mom. But guess what? Even though I want to go see her 'cause I bet we are both lonely, it is the same thing. I don't want to get anywhere near close to an infant for fear that I would break down into tears.

In any case, after I realized on the way to band today that I was avoiding people I wanted to be close to just 'cause they have a baby and I don't, I started to wonder what the right thing to do is. When I went to visit these two sisters that one day (once again referring to an earlier post... which happens to be the same one I mentioned earlier... maybe I'll go find the link for you...) I put up a pretty good facade. I'm good at that. I have had years of experience pretending that everything is Ok even though I may feel like my world is falling apart. I drew on that experience. I knew how to pretend. It is something I know how to do. But is it right? I don't want to feel the pain so maybe it is. I have been able to numb my emotions before, why not do it now? Course, then I wouldn't feel positive emotions either... maybe that isn't the best solution.

So what do I do? Embrace the pain or keep running? Keep hiding under my careful mask? Break down and let all the people who have said "You're so strong, Shay" know just how really not strong I am? Sure it is great to tell people that, but it has been making me feel like I need to live up to something. Like I do need to be strong like they say and that breaking down and crying would be like giving up.

A good friend of mine today said that he didn't recognize me today 'cause I looked different. Then we proceeded to talk about my appearance to decide what was different. He went to get his trumpet. When he got back he realized why I looked different. He said I looked "contemplative". Made me wonder if I was always ditsy so much that he wouldn't even recognize me when I was thinking hard about something. Anyway, I was thinking about what I just wrote to you all. Now it is out there for the world to see and to make of it what they will.

But in any case, when he brought that up, it made me think of things that I didn't want to. Just 'cause I sighed and he mentioned it wasn't reason enough to go stalking off in a huff. This friend stands next to me in Jazz Band, and he noticed my "contemplativeness" right before. We went to take the yearly picture and I sighed and tried to mask my face enough to want to smile. Besides I had dressed up for this particular thing. I would have much rather had a "hoodie day".

We got back inside and started playing. I broke. I needed to get my emotions out so much that I had played better and more aggressive than I had in years. I doubt the teacher noticed. When it came to me I was mearly invisable to him unless he wanted to unleach some critizism. When I came to a rest or something, my heart would ache. I didn't want to stop playing. My heart couldn't take it. I have never had such a strong reaction to playing so much before. When I had to rest 'cause the song told me to, and especially during an improv solo, I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall behind me and got into the music more then I ever had. I needed that release. Since I wasn't playing I had to get into the music a different way. So I did. I hope I didn't freak my brother, Mr. Huzzah, out too much...

The only song where it was a relief to rest from playing was a ballad. It is intitled "My One and Only Love". When I played my trumpet for that song, it was more painful then when my trumpet was off my face. I wanted to play "Groovin' Hard" again. It is the kind of song where a little extra push isn't out of the ordinary, though I did try to keep my emotions in enough check that I played soft when I needed to.

Anyway, so after all this reading (are you with me stiil anyway? Did I lose some of my traffic?) I still don't know what to do. Give up to the pain? Keep hiding until I burst? Is there even some happy medium? More importantly, should I not go visit the people I love and really want to visit just because they had a baby? The most important time to visit, at least for them? I don't know what the right thing is, and like most of my depressing posts, I just really needed to get it out. I do feel better.

Thanks for reading.

Saturday, October 4, 2008


When it comes to conference, wow is really all I can say. President Deiter F. Uchtdorf's talk totally wowed me. I honestly could have written the whole talk down for me in my notes. Cause everything he said, made me want to write it down. I can't wait til I can download it to my palm.

Then there was Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk, and once again, I could have written it all down for me. I was amazed. It was all amazing and can't wait for tomorrow.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Moosehorn pictures

I forgot I hadn't posted these and I told my sister that I had cute pics of her son. Anyway, here they are for those who care. ^_^

Bug with Rocket Scientist and Future Train Operator in the background.

Bug with Rocket Scientist, Excelenté (is the accent right?), Future Train Operator, and Stealth in the background.

Future Train Operator with Rocket Scientist in the background.

Bug, Rocket Scientist and Future Train Operator with the lake in the background.

Future Train Operator and Bug with some part of my family on the lake (the give away is the green canoe with the bright orange life jackets...)

Another cute one of Bug. He has really been into the "cheese"ing for the camera. And who can resist that smile anyway?

And last but certainly not least, Texas Dad with his daughter and Rocket Scientist showing off their catch.

October 1st

First things first, I was planning on posting this yesterday, but life got crazy and I didn't have a spare moment.

Well, it is October. Yesterday morning Bug and I went for a walk and gave a new mother in our ward a package of size one diapers that Little Angel didn't get to use. I have had like... three or more of them, unopened, sitting around in the house for well... about a year. I didn't know what to do with them, then decided to share them with new mothers. This particular mother was a trooper I hear. She did it all naturally, and plus..... her baby was over NINE POUNDS!!! I couldn't believe it! Well, I could believe the size of her new little baby since she was quite huge for a while, but the fact that it was a "natural birth" with no epidural... needless to say I was proud of her. It made me remember how accomplished I felt after Little Angel's birth.

After I dropped off the diapers, we walked home and commenced with the lunch-time. I can't remember all that happened perfectly, since I slept off most of my anger and frustrations, and now I just can't remember the day as well, but after he slept, we headed out on another walk to give another sister in our ward a can of Enfamil that we can't use once again, it was sent by the company (you can sign up to get vouchers and samples when you give birth) to us. It has been sitting around for a bit now as well. She just had her baby and I told her once upon a time that if she needed it, she could have it. She asked me while Bug was asleep if I still had it and I told her yup and that I'd head over after Bug woke up.

We went over there and delivered it and headed back out. Between both of these sister's apartments and mine there is a big play area with a plastic playground just like at a park. The first time, Bug didn't mention anything about it (I was shocked) but the second time, he wouldn't hear of passing it without going down the slide. I think we have a little thriller on our hands. Not just cause of that, but other things, and I won't get into that now. Anyway, so I figured...why not? There were two other kids there playing with their parent's watching, so I figured I'd let him play a little before dinner. I was sitting on the little wall as the first new mother I visited that day (let me know what you want your code name to be... ^_^) and her husband (same goes to you ^_^) walked past with their new baby in a stroller (by the way... she gave birth just last Friday...) far enough away that I had to look through the playground and yell to them to see me. But I did and waved.

Then the first pangs of pain came. I wanted to go talk to them and goggle over their baby like another couple from my ward did as they were there in my sights, but I knew I couldn't do it. The pain would be too much. I just sat there as my heart ached and watched them from a far. This particular sister is such an example to me. She is always happy and smiling, and is always there to lift another sister up. Of course she doesn't know the thoughts and intents of my heart and I was too chicken to get near her baby to ask her for something as simple as a hug. Plus it is hard for me to ask for help. Probably means I'm proud. Whatever the reason, I just sat there watching them stand there for about 15 or so minutes. I felt like if I would look away the pain would subside. It didn't. Well, it did a little... but the fact of the matter is I kept looking at them. I was like mesmerized even though I knew that if I looked away the pain wouldn't be so bad. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone, but still...

I was wondering what I would do this month of all months. Half of me wants to fall into the pain and never get up. The other half doesn't want this time of the year to be depressing every year. Last mother's day I was depressed the morning and the day before it. Then I decided that I didn't want to get depressed that day. I had a great day. Something tells me it won't be quite so easy this time. But maybe? Who knows?

I still don't know what I'm going to do on the 24th. It is almost the year anniversary for my blog too... If you go look at the first or second post I had you would find out Little Angel's birthday. Yeah, it is this month.

So I cleaned my house like crazy today. My lower back hurts but the sink doesn't stink anymore, I have a new runner on the table (the Halloween one...thanks mom!) oh, and it (meaning the table) has been wiped down, oh and I'm sure the carpet feels nice. I have socks on so I hadn't felt it since I vacuumed.

Happy October everyone. Let's hope I can get through it without running back to my counselor...