Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Pool Party!!

So this morning, I was playing on my computer. I started talking to a good high school friend online. I think I was probably complaining about my back and all the aches and pains I was having. She suggested swimming. We talked for a bit about all the different plusses to swimming. I decided I wanted to go swimming. She said she made herself want to go. I jokingly said that maybe she should come up from her about an hour drive to come swim and eat with us. It soon turned into an actual request.

The day was filled with cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Then a bit of rest. Then our guests arrived. We all got dressed for the pool and headed off. (that is excluding a pool party pooper who doesn't enjoy water... don't ask me how that is possible in an adult) Swimming was, as always, wonderful. I was weight-free, I could exercise without pain, and the cool water felt good as the hot sun shone on me. Bug still won't jump into the water even surrounded by a bunch of air contained in plastic. He insists on sitting at the side of the pool and sliding in. We suspect that is the reason he already has a hole in his floating donkey.

After about a half an hour or more in the pool, Rocket Scientist and Pool Party Pooper went and got the food and started the charcoal burning. Don't ask me why they set up our food on a picnic table covered in chocolate cake. The picnic table with a hornet's nest in it was so much better.

While waiting for the food to get ready, I taunted Bug with an Otter Pop to get him off the play area and over to the table. There were other kids there, and they just assumed I was talking to everyone. A few seconds later when I was expecting Bug to be at my side, there were two kids I had seen around but I don't know their names or their parents. They didn't even really ask. They just assumed that Otter Pops were on the house. I didn't want to deal with saying no, so I just gave in and gave them both one. Of course, I had to open them for them as well, and by then, my patience with them was waning. I opened them and sent them off. Then I heralded Bug over again, and then he could see what I was holding up and he promptly ran over.

We enjoyed the Otter Pops as we waited for the beef to cook. Then I realized there was another beggar at my side. Silly me. There were more than just two kids on the playground, and once one has something, they ALL have to have something. I sighed, knowing I couldn't get out of giving him one after the other two had one. There was only one left, and only two adults (out of four), and two toddlers got an Otter Pop (one toddler and one parent only getting half of one, while sharing with each other). Of course, when they were done, they came back over, begging for more. My patience was gone. We had no more frozen Otter Pops (not even in our freezer), so I told them they were gone, that this was our food, and to go play. I wasn't about to let them eat my Cheetos.

We waited a bit more and I had kool-aid sitting in front of me, calling to me. Only problem with that, there were no plastic cups around, they were all still in the apartment. To prevent me from drinking from the pitcher, Karahatay and I went to get the "last" load from the apartment including plastic cups so we could drink the ever tempting kool-aid sitting in front of me on the table while the burning sun shone on us. On the way back to the table with the hornet's nest in it we passed the big play area. I saw Bug almost to a platform (climbing up a plastic net thing) then I distracted my view and in true mother fashion, felt something terribly wrong. I looked back over at Bug, and he was laying, back down in the wood chips. It took a few seconds (as always) before he worked up a good scream. He probably had the wind knocked out of him after being pushed off. Yes, pushed. Or at least that is what I expect, since there was a kid on the platform Bug was heading to, right in Bug's way from getting on the platform. And yes. I suspect the kid who pushed him was one of them I gave an Otter Pop to. How nice. I gave them the Otter Pops that my friends and family were going to eat that couldn't now, and then they push my son off the play ground. (no, I'm not upset about it at all...... really.... *growls in the back of my throat*)

There were two adults throwing a baseball (not sure if either of them are parents of said kids) and they were on the scene a little bit after I was. The kids informed them of what happened (or at the very least their story) then they ran off to another adult possibly telling them. No adult came over to me to apologize or anything. No... I'm not upset..... really.............

As you are probably wondering, Bug is fine. I think he just got the wind knocked out of him. I checked his eyes for dilation, and there wasn't any problems there. Just fear, and wind knocked out I think.

Yeah... exciting pool party, no?

We eventually, after filling ourselves silly, came back into our apartment, ate homemade ice cream, and played Apples to Apples. All in all, a good day.

That...... is the rest of the story.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Oh the feeling of weightlessness

For the third time in three days (yes that is three days in a row), we swam in the free pool I am sure of that I have bragged about on this blog multiple times. Today though especially when I got out I felt the sudden weight gain from not being surrounded by water anymore. I couldn't stand up from sitting very easily. And for some odd reason, I didn't ever notice that I didn't feel pregnant at all while in the water. Until today. I really don't feel pregnant. There is nothing pulling my ginormous belly down anymore. I'm just... there. In the water, and oh, it feels so good. I'm thinking I just might spend every day in there. I just wish I could spend all day of every day in there. But obviously that isn't possible.

The first day we went out there (two days ago), I even did one lap. Don't ask me how I did that without sinking. I even tread water for quite a while before having to stop. Second day out there (yesterday) was pretty much the same as the day before. Today though, I did two laps. Not right after each other, but the fact that I could was encouragable. But I tell ya. Sitting here feeling gravity pull on every muscle and tiniest bit of flab is quite uncomfortable.

I'm contemplating getting a second pregnancy swimming suit.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Dermatologist appointment

It's late, so I'll be quick.

I guess they have four things they check on a mole before they get worried.
Symmetry, jagged edges, multiple colors, and size bigger than 6 mm. My mole on my arm qualifies in two aspects. Symmetry and size. It is about 9 mm almost 10. The doctor says he doesn't look at my mole and think that it absolutely has to come off. It is kinda half wayish. If I really want it off, may as well, there is enough of a medical reason for it to come off. If perchance it appeared in the last three months or so, it would make more reason to take it off. I can't ever remember my arm without a big, huge mole in the middle of it. So since it has been there (and has been most certainly bigger than 6 mm in all the memories) as long as I can remember, it still puts it in the ball range of not really needing to take it off.

For some reason I hesitated when he pretty much asked me if I wanted it off. I have always hated this big ugly thing, but for some reason... I couldn't really say, "YES!!! Take it off NOW!!!" He suggested taking a picture of it and having another appointment in about 6 months or so. I liked that idea, so we did.

Side note: (more for my memory rather than your enjoyment) Memories of hating this stupid mole. Having been in dance the entirety of my grade school years, we would have pictures taken of us in our dance outfits. They weren't always that modest and you could see my mole if in the right
position. One such outfit, I had my left hand up above my head with the arm curved around. The right hand doing some other such ballerina type position. Probably out in front of me. And there right in the middle of my arm for everyone to see was that ugly mole. ICK!

Ok, I'm done now... heading off to bed.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Doctor's appointment

Another appointment gone by. Same as last week. Not much change. I even went on autopilot again and almost ended up at my old apartment. Yes, again. I did that last week too...

Differences from last week: My doctor cut something off my belly button. This will take a bit of explanation.....

Back tracking to my first pregnancy...

I'm an innie. I have never really seen my belly button until I was pregnant with Bug and in the last stages when the belly button pokes out. When it finally did, I noticed something on it. Just a little extra skin it looked like. It was skin toned, but a little darker than my belly. Still skin toned though. It looked like a bit of extra skin holding on by a thread pretty much. It didn't hurt or anything. It was just.... there. I didn't tell my doctor about it (side note: I have had the same doctor for all three pregnancies).

Second pregnancy, it was still there, but no changes really with it, and so I still didn't tell him about it. I didn't seem to need to.

Last week was the first time I pointed it out to him. It was dark. Almost brown. A pretty dark brown compared to my almost white belly. It kinda worried me. He took one look at it and claimed it was a mole that needed to go. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't always this dark, but I don't think he heard that. He said he could take it off right now, but to just let it go until after the delivery in the hopes that maybe I might be a bit numb, or at the very least, just went through so much pain, a little prick at my belly button would be nothing.

I let it go at that. At least it was going to go. I was ok with that idea. Then sometime this week, it was still dark, yet, a dark red, with the little stem of it red instead of skin toned like it used to be. Also if I wiggled it around, it kinda hurt. Like there was a pin or needle in my belly button. I started to get more concerned and I mentioned it to him again today. It is now gone, and getting tested. I have slight pains coming from it now, but hope they will be gone by tomorrow.

Back to the appointment today: So he cut that thing off (what ever it was) and afterwards said he would send it in to be tested for melanoma or whatever because of the changes in color I told you and him about, and while we were on the subject of skin cancer, I pointed out to him a huge mole I have had on my upper left arm my whole life. I may be imagining it, but the past little bit, I think there have been some slight changes in the mole in the way of little dark dots. I now have an appointment to a dermatologist tomorrow. Let's hope (and pray... lots of pray......) that I don't have any skin cancer, that would not be fun to deal with right now...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Supersonic nose

First off: no this was not what I was thinking about posting earlier today that I forgot about. Just on my mind right now as Rocket Scientist finishes my chore of rinsing the dishes to put in the dishwasher. (Oh what a wonderful machine that is...)

I have a pretty good nose when I'm not pregnant. I can smell things that Rocket Scientist can't without being pregnant. When I AM pregnant, I have a supersonic nose. The tiniest little smell can come from the farthest recesses of our apartment and throw my tummy into overdrive, threatening to hurl out my latest meal. Sorry for the descriptiveness of that sentence, but it is still true.

Our kitchen is not as clean as I would like it. So after dinner I set to rinsing the dishes that were still in there for a few days. While rinsing a cup that was used for some sort of protein shake (I think... Rocket Scientist is a twig. While most of us spend our time trying to LOSE weight, he tries to GAIN it.) a tiny little smell bug came (probably from the cup) and raced into my nose and down into the recesses of my tummy attempting to push all the recently devoured food out. I tried to fight it for about....... 2 seconds. Then I turned off the water, and practically ran from the kitchen to get away from that smell. Thankfully the food in my tummy is still intact.

While lying on the couch trying to calm my troubled tummy, I felt retarded. I can't even wash dishes, or clean up after myself, let alone others without running from the room, nose plugged. I felt quite lame. Worried that Rocket Scientist would think me lazy (he never would... he is the most patient person I know.) or some other not so appealing thought.

Earlier today I just started reading a book I never finished, again. Better Than You Think You Are by Ardeth G. Kapp. Despite the encouraging words I read in there today, I sure don't feel better than I think I am. If that makes any sense. I can see how that applies to everyone else. But not me. I always tell my friends when we said good bye, "You are GREAT!!!" (citing from D+C 18:10). If ever anyone said that to me, I roll my eyes and brush it off. My inability to keep my home clean, my anger that comes out so easily, my inability (while standing) to pick Bug up to comfort him or some other thing just makes me so inferior to all the other women who can do all those things. AND more.

I'M better than I think I am? ME? Yeah right. Well... I'll try and change that line of thoughts. But I don't think I can get it from inside of me. Or maybe even from comments people may make on this post. I could talk them away so easily ("Well... they only said that 'cause I complained about it..."). I don't know where the inspiration will come from to change my negative outlook on myself. But I hope it comes soon. I'm pretty well close to drowning.


I found her! A few posts ago (or maybe quite a few posts ago) I posted that we went to order our internet and during that, Rocket Scientist stayed at the booth for the internet setting up, and Bug and I went to a maternity store. Crazily enough finding a soon to be ward member there who sold me three outfits. I wasn't planning on getting even one outfit, and she sold me three! Crazy. Well..... I DID need the clothes... I just wasn't planning on spending that much. There are good and bad things with getting a store worker to help you find clothes. Good: you find really good outfits that you actually like AFTER you get them home! Weeks later even! Bad: you end up buying more.

Anyway, after being here for about three weeks and not seeing her, today I didn't have any hope of seeing her at our ward. I figured she was in the student ward or something. I was kinda sad, I didn't know her name, and that I didn't even think to ask if she was in a family ward or student ward. Well, as Sunday School was starting I leaned over to Rocket Scientist, and pointed out the person who I spied who very possibly might be her. He looked over and two seconds later, declared that for sure, it was her. I was really excited.

After the block, we went over there and talked to her and actually two other people that were talking to her as well. We had a great conversation (I actually found out her name!!) just about a ton of random stuff. When you get three or four women together (girls, you know what I'm talking about) the conversation jumps from one thing to the next possibly starting talking about Star Wars or something, going through a dozen different topics, then ending up on baby names. Side note: one of the sisters there that was in the conversation has the same name as me. I don't find many of them. Usually only the first name is the same (I go by both my first and second name) though maybe spelt differently, but I haven't found many who have the same middle name.

So yeah. Excitement in my heart. I was planning on posting about something else, but I totally forgot what it was now. I waited too long I guess. Ah well...

Stay tuned for apartment pictures. I finally know how to get pics from my phone to my computer, so I will post pictures of our kitchen and dinning room once I get them on here. Yay for a home that is FINALLY coming together!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Quick preggo update

It is late so this will be quick. Promise....

Doctor's appointment today. Had the beta strep test, and first dilation check. I was at a one. 50% effaced. Not sure if I used correct termage though. Anyway, he said for someone who has had two kids, I'm right where he expected me to be. Baby's heart is beating away, measuring good, amazingly enough my weight is staying pretty much the same, and I'm good with that.

Baby is funny. Whenever they check his heartbeat, he either moves so it is hard to find, or he tries to push the little scanner thing away with his foot. Or elbow. Or whatever can get to it I guess. It is kinda funny. The first time I realized he was "heartbeat stage fright" it was kinda scary.... it was my 20 week appointment, and the doctor couldn't find his heartbeat. He (that is the doctor) pushed and moved the scanner thing around like crazy. It took a really long time, and I watched his face for any sign of panic, while at the same time trying not to panic myself. He finally found it and I relaxed. It was kinda scary though... and thankfully my doctor kept his face calm because that was the only thing holding me together at the time. Now it is just funny, cause he will literally try to push the scanner thing away. Or move right when the nurse finds it.

So yeah. Everything is normal. Everything is going well. Baby moves pretty constantly it seems. But all is well. The doctor said contractions are pretty normal to feel right now, though I didn't have any to report since my last appointment. Weekly appointments up to the birth. And.... I guess that is it for the night.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Side note

Oh, I was gonna tell you all this on that last post... one more post for today.

I am DONE with the cross-stitch! One last step remains. Zig-zagging around the stitches and fraying to the zig-zag. I will post pictures of that when I get it done. Shouldn't take too long after I get my sewing machine set up. I'm way excited about it. At the same time, I feel like I should be doing something with my hands.... hehe

Also, my glasses busted Sunday morning. Well.. they got busted Saturday night when Rocket Scientist sat on them, but they didn't really show any signs of being broken until they spent the night folded up and I tried to open them in the morning, one side fell off. Just busted in my hands. I'm currently wearing them still, but they tend to stay crooked unless I keep adjusting them, but they like to hang crooked. I will soon be looking for an optometrist to have another eye check up, get a new contact prescription, and probably even new glasses. Yesterday I wore my contacts for the first time in forever, and yeah... I knew they were a weaker prescription than my current glasses, but man! I didn't think they were THAT bad.... at least it was better than wearing glasses that would have most likely fell off my face at church...

I guess that is it for now. I told you I'd blog more often! ^_^

Self Reflection

After looking over past posts and coming to the realization that most of them lately have been depressing, and not only that, but looking over the past few weeks with moving and all that, and noticing that my mood hasn't been all that great, the past week or so I have been thinking about the effect my mood has had on my family and all that.

On Mother's Day, I finally finished reading a book I had been in the middle of for quite a while. No One Can Take Your Place by Sheri Dew. Near the end of the book she talks about (well all throughout really, but also at the end of it causing me to reflect) how everyone has divine rolls and all that. I started wondering what I was sent here to do. What was my divine roll? What was I suppose to accomplish on this earth? What could I contribute to others that no one else could do?

I can quote segments from my patriarchal blessing to you off the top of my head. I read it that often. In it, it talks a lot about having a "knowledge of the world" and being able to help people solve problems in their lives. I won't go into it too much. I just couldn't really think of anything in my patriarchal blessing that would tell me what I was really supposed to do. I mean, sure. Help people. What was I supposed to do? Walk around looking for people who I don't even know who look depressed or something? Not able to do much physically doesn't help with that idea.

Yesterday I started reading another book. I am a Mother by Jane Clayson Johnson. It also made me reflect a lot on my mood and what I do and how it effects my little family. It made me turn to my patriarchal blessing. I'm not exactly sure why. I spent a good portion of the day yesterday writing down from my patriarchal blessing two separate things in columns. My blessings/gifts in one column, and on the other column, responsibilities/calls.

Some things ended up in both columns. Some things repeated, but I put them all in. Rocket Scientist and I did a lot of speculating and conversation with this. Trying to understand sentences that I didn't get, and trying to figure out what it was telling me to do with my life. I still have a lot of questions. Some things are more sound in my mind. I'm still not quite sure what I can be doing right now in my life, and some things that are quite obvious in my patriarchal blessing don't really feel like I would be fulfilling divine callings. I'm not sure this all makes sense to anyone but me. In any case, I'm about to re-look at the list I made and come up with a few things that I can do right now despite my physical limitations.

In any case, having this little self reflection session with myself (throughout the weeks/days) has helped me be a little more positive. A little more encouraging instead of complaining. A little more patient. If that is all that came of it, then so be it. At least I'm trying to swim instead of just letting the water drown me.


We FINALLY have internet! I'll be posting more soon since I'm feeling a bit tired right now. But I thought I'd celebrate for a bit and let you know that I'll be certainly blogging more now that I finally have internet on my computer.

That being said, anyone know how to get pics/videos from my cell onto my computer? I'm kinda new with the whole idea of a camera phone, and have taken a lot of pics/videos I'd like to share with you all.

Just comment on here and I'll see it. ^_^

Hurrah for internet!!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


This shall be short seeing as I don't have much brain power right now.

Sunday or Saturday, I had the first thoughts of "maybe I'm sick..." Ever since then I have been getting increasingly worse. Yesterday was a bad morning. Bug was having issues. I didn't get any sleep AT ALL because of a sore throat that felt like a knife slicing my throat to pieces every time I swallowed. I'm hoping today is the climax, seeing as I feel like my head is a hot air balloon and I'm mulling around down here on earth. My nose is so stuffed up and stuff that it feels like it is it's own planet. In any case, I hope I'm not worse off tomorrow.

I'm planning on having a bath today since that helped yesterday, and I'm taking pills. Before I started taking pills yesterday I found (amazingly enough seeing as I thought I threw it away...) the paper my doctor gave me with a list of safe medications. So that is what is going on here...

Quick preggo update:

I had an appointment yesterday and we talked a little about my possible (since I still wasn't quite sure yesterday) sickness, and maybe ear infection. He checked out my ear, and he seemed surprised about all the scar tissue in there. I wasn't. Getting ear infections when I was younger was quite a normal thing. I think there was even a time when I got them every Saturday like clockwork... Anyway, getting off the tangent... He said that if the ear infection (since it was on the outside rather than the inside... I don't remember the technical terms) got worse after taking things like Sudafed and stuff for the cold to take the prescription he gave me.

Not sick update:

I talked to him about contractions. My parents are the only ones (besides Rocket Scientist, but he doesn't look on here anyway) who know about this, but when I went to visit them on Thursday, later at night round about dinner time, I was getting contractions. They got quicker and more painful. After I realized they were contractions (not bowel movements) I looked at the clock, and I timed them. I can't remember exactly, but I think I may have had three in a five minute span of time. Yeah, kinda freaky... I kept trying to call Rocket Scientist, but he isn't used to carrying around his cell. He never answered. Well anyway, they started to subside, and probably all of them combined spanned about a half hour. I was relieved. Anyway, I told my doctor all this, and he told me when it was necessary to call labor and delivery, then changed when I would see him next. Supposedly, I was supposed to make another two week appointment, but he changed it to one week, and start checking dilation. So yeah. That is what is up with that for now.

I apologize (to you and my weak sick little body)... I said that would be short. My fingers like to babble.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Update? Sure, I guess that counts as a post title...

Sorry for the lapse in my blogging. It happens when I don't have internet on my computer.

Anyway, we are getting slowly closer to being officially moved in. We have things on our wall (in the front room at least), and well... the front room is ALMOST box free. The dining room and kitchen are also almost box free. The master bed room is shaping up, and Bug's room has been doing pretty good from the start, since I wanted to try and have everything as normal as possible for him.

Mother's day yesterday, big shout out to all of them. I didn't cry or have a depressing day, which is good. I went to our new ward for the first time, and felt accepted there. They gave me chocolate. But I don't think that will happen every week...

As far as my cross-stitching project is going, I'm almost done. Probably only about 5 or less colors left in the whole thing! I'm way excited and am about to go work on it once I'm done with this post. Or right after my nap when I'm done with this post. Whatever comes first. I'm just so tired these days! I don't know if it is because I'm getting too much rest or if it stems from pregnancy.... or both. I'm just always tired though, and it is starting to get on my nerves.

Anyway.... uh.... what else to say.... well I'm out of words, so I guess I'll sign off for now. Once I get on my own computer, be prepared to be smothered in pictures...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Today I had an epiphany. Well, not really, Rocket Scientist pointed it out to me, but after he did, I realized it was true. I can't function in disarray. I get grumpy and my brain doesn't work correctly. Not only that, but my emotions are all tied in knots so much that I get near depression. Well, not that severe, but still.

Knowing this doesn't help me much though. My back is still killing me. I still feel weak almost constantly. I still am so tired I feel the need to lay down almost all day. I STILL can't unpack by myself. So I am also still living in disarray which in turn causes me to be grumpy, and keeps my brain all jumbled up.

Then you can add on the fact that because I can't do anything, it makes me feel lazy, unhelpful and well... everything I have complained about in the last month or so. I go through each day either laying down or sitting down. Getting upset at Bug for playing with all the things in boxes that he shouldn't be playing with, but that are in his reach because I couldn't get to unpacking them yet. Even yesterday we went outside and played a bit on the playground area. Bug wanted to go down the slides. He got all the way up there, and didn't go down once. He said it was dirty. He went to look at another one, and claimed that dirty as well. For some reason it was irritating me. Here we were because Bug found "slides" and wanted to play on them, but he never went down.

I'm sorry most of my posts are filled with complaints. My nerves are almost constantly on edge right now. Probably due to the fact that I don't know where half of my stuff is. I guess I'll sign out before I get on another complaining tangent.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Yesterday was a BAD day. One of those days you don't want to ever remember again. But today is Sunday again, and I got renewed and regenerated by not only being with my parents who came up to visit for family day, not only for being with the ward members that I know so well and able to visit at church for one last time, not only for being in such a spiritual environment, but also for being able to bear my testimony and remind myself that this is where we are supposed to be right now. It has helped me get through the day.

As for the moving process. We didn't have as many helpers as we had planned on, so it took longer, but we still got everything out in one day.... though I was hoping for having a little bit of that day spent unpacking, and my back wouldn't let me do that myself, but oh well.

Yesterday was the day we had planned to clean out our old apartment, and check out and everything. We headed back there, and it was probably emotional for me to have my home so empty you could hear an echo when you talked. Stupid pregnancy hormones. We got to work. Or more like, Rocket Scientist got to work, and I wandered around wondering what I should do. Sometime during the moving and everyone was asking me where things went, my brain decided to take a vacation and wasn't working. It was still out of the office yesterday as well, so whatever.

Rocket Scientist told me something I could do, so I got right on it. Washing off the gross wall behind the stove. I got most of that done and everything, but was feeling my strength wane throughout. And not just because my arm was washing a wall. I was starting to feel faint. And weak. And my back started to act up. Everything I have complained about throughout this pregnancy came into play. I went to sit down on the floor for a bit to regain strength, but it wouldn't come. I felt retarded and weak and needy and hundreds of other things. And amidst all this, I also was doubting our decision. Pregnancy hormones kicked in as well and I was bawling on the floor, soaking my shirt.

After much persuasion, Rocket Scientist got me to concede. I didn't want to leave him there all by himself cleaning without any sort of help. In all honesty, I didn't want to leave him at all. I wanted to help so we could get it done quicker. Not like any help I could do at that point in time would have done any good. I was not emotionally sound. I was not physically sound. I was almost not even spiritually sound. I was a wreck.

That whole day I spent at our new home with Bug. A good portion of it I cried whenever I thought of Rocket Scientist cleaning without my help. I felt I should do SOMETHING. By the time Rocket Scientist got home around 7ish, my eyes were all dried out. Bug and I had watched Finding Nemo, and were at the tail end of Monster's Inc. And after he got home, it didn't help my loneliness. This didn't feel like home. It still kind of doesn't. I felt alone and not in the right place, and just plain horrible.

Rocket Scientist was wise to let me cool down a bit after we got Bug in bed by snuggling up in front of a movie (Ever After). It did help. Being well enough to last just long enough in the chapel for sacrament meeting to bear my testimony (I went out to the foyer directly after that) helped. I'm doing a little better. Feeling more sound in our decision. I'm sure doubts will arise again, but I hope I can handle them better.

I will never move while pregnant again. *knocks on wood*