Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Goof Ball-isms

On Monday, Pro Boxer and I went out for sushi (yes, you can be jealous if you want).  Before we left the kids with the babysitter, Goof Ball had something important to say to me.

"Mom, my bike is in the back of the car."

Me: "In... the back of the car?"
GB: "Yeah, so don't break it."
Me (just wanting to satisfy him, because there was no way his bike could be in the car): "Okay, we won't break it."

Just out of curiosity or something else, as I went outside and explained to Pro Boxer the weird conversation, I went to check in the back of the car, and out of the corner of my eye, something bright red was behind the car.  Yes, it was his bike, and we wouldn't have seen it, and it would have gotten smashed, and yes, it was not in the back of the car, but behind it.

This is just one example of how Goof Ball is more like me than Pro Boxer (at least in the way his mind works).  I had suspicions before because Goof Ball can find things a lot better than Bug ever can.  Even if what he's looking for is right in front of him, Bug can't see it.  He's a lot like Pro Boxer that way...  In any case, Pro Boxer wouldn't even once think to mention that something was behind the car before someone left, and Bug certainly wouldn't.  But the baby of the family could forewarn, just like I would have forewarned.

It's super fun to get to know these kids by seeing how they are similar to me or to Pro Boxer.

Another fun conversation with Goof Ball:

Me: *groan... yawn... 

GB: "Are you tired?"
Me: "Yes." (mainly from exercising that morning)
GB: "Then you should sleep."
Me: "Mmmm...."
GB: "Mom, can you sleep?"
Me: "Um, I don't know, I have a lot of things to do."
GB: "You can sleep, lemme show you how to sleep." He gets on the couch and lays down "See? Like that."
Me: "Oh, like that?"
GB: "Yes. Try it."
Me: "Okay." I just leaned my upper half on the blankets next to me and close my eyes. "Like that?"
GB: "Um.... kinda."
Me: "Oh, that's not right? Can you show me again?"
GB: "Like this." He curls his legs up under him on the couch and rests his head on the blankets.
Me: "Oh, I need to curl up?"
GB: "Yeah."
I take off my shoes and kneel on the couch and fold over to lay on the blanket. "Like that?"
GB: "Yeah! Now you can sleep!"

Thanks Goof Ball... but sleeping like that isn't nearly as comfortable for an adult as it is for a child. :)  And for anyone who's asked me if Goof Ball is talking more now..... yes.  Very much so. :)

Friday, January 31, 2014


I have been thinking lately that I am in possession of some kind of magic.  It isn't world changing, I can't fly through the air, or lift cars over my head kind of thing.  But maybe, depending on the situation, it can be life changing.

I might be blowing this out of proportion.  I don't want to make this sound like I am lifting myself above others.  Truthfully, I'm not even sure how powerful this magic is.  Because this magic only works inside other people.  Often I don't even realize I'm using the magic, which baffles me the most.  I'll just be going along, being myself, and somehow, something I do or say changes a person's outlook for good.  The only times I realize this magic even exists is when they mention it to me.  It makes me wonder how many times it happened and I'll never even know the impact I had on someone.  Sometimes it makes people want to hang out with me and I'll never know what it was that first made them want to spend time with me.  Some people search me out when they are having a bad day.

My kids and husband cling to me - which makes sense.  But when that same level of clingyness comes from outside my family, it makes me start to wonder, especially when I didn't specifically try to help them.

Of course when I can, I try to use this magic on command.  If ever a good friend is struggling or something, I'll go to them and try to lift them up and help them if I can.  Most times I never know if I've done what I could, or if I even did any good at all.  But when I do this, I've noticed recently that something happens that I never really expected.

Often, it seems, that my good friends struggle with the same problems I have - self-worth.  It seems to be a much more common disease than I thought.  I won't let myself be stronger for myself.  But when I find myself in a position where I need to help a friend, I grow stronger.  Whether I grow stronger because I'm helping someone else, or I grow stronger so that I have the capacity to help them, I don't know.  It could also be that I had already grown before I tried to help them, but I didn't notice the growth until I tried to help.  I've just noticed that I'll grow during those times.

People have said that when you serve someone, you gain more blessings than they do.  If this weird growth is that, I never expected it that way, but I suppose it could be possible.

All this comes down to this:

Not only do I not hate myself anymore, but I also think that I'm starting to accept myself.  I'm starting to like myself and understand, maybe a little bit, why people would like me.  I'm starting to wonder - maybe I do think that I have worth as a person.  I don't know how much.  And it also has surprised me that I'm not basing my worth on anything other than myself.  I'm not basing it on what I can or can't do, or my accomplishments.  I'm basing it on me - my personality - my desire to do good and help others - or maybe just the fact that I'm a living, breathing person.

I was talking the other day to someone about how he feels like his life is so boring and uninteresting that even if he did want to write about something, it wouldn't be interesting.  That's something that I could have said (or may have said) even months ago.  In fact, I did.  I had a huge writers block - I couldn't get myself to write anything because whenever I started trying to write something, I started to think, "This doesn't matter, who would read this?  This is so not interesting at all."  It likely lasted a month or more.  I could write in my fictional novel - but I couldn't write anything about my life, even though I really wanted to, because I would start worrying about what others would think of it.

Funnily enough, I got myself out of that pit by torturing myself.  Not literally - but the next writer's group meeting was coming up, and I didn't want to go and say, once again, "I don't have anything to read..." so what did I do?  I started writing something.  I went to the library and just wrote.  The meeting started at 6:30 - I got to the library at 5.  And I wrote.  And I was determined to read it, no matter how crappy or uninteresting I thought it would be.  I didn't finish it before 6:30.  Mr. President asked me at the beginning of the meeting if I had anything to read.  I responded by hesitating.  I fumbled on saying, "Yes - well, kinda... I'm still working on it."  And he said, "Well then I'll put you down for now and you can let us know later."

Well, I did it.  I read that brand new piece to a group of excellent writers.  I was terrified.  But once it was over, once the torture of trying to get a short piece written in an hour and a half and reading that freshly new first draft to them, my writer's block was gone.  I felt free.  Especially after they critiqued it the next meeting and didn't say that it was crap and I should give up on it.  In fact, some of them said that they wanted to see it again once I had a chance to revise it.  It made me feel that my silly stupid little anecdotes that I have in my life, that feel boring and uninteresting to me, might just be interesting to other people.  And once I realized that, the writer's block lifted, and my worth grew.

I feel I should also mention, now that we are talking about worth, that none of this budding worth is coming from anything gospel related.  It is coming from kempo, and coming from my writer's group.  I won't deny that maybe God put me in these places, in this position to be able to find my worth, because I have no clue if that is or isn't true.  But when it comes down to it - as a child, I was told I had worth because I was a child of God.  Or if I wasn't told specifically that, it is how I connected it all together.  Problem with that is this: I never fully believed or felt like I was a child of God, hence, I had no worth.  I still don't feel that I am a child of God.  But these past months or maybe year, I realized that I need to not base my worth on anything, other than myself.  Just simply being who I am gives me worth.

Whether I'm a child or God or not, whether I am just another Joe-shmo living on the planet Earth, whether or not I have been abused, stepped on, have lost a child, no matter the trials and things I've had to go through, no matter what color my skin is.  None of that matters.  I am a person.  So I have worth.  Simple as that.  I don't know how kempo has been able to help me with this.  I just know it has.  For the first time in 28 years, I feel like I do have worth (no matter how small), that I am someone who deserves love, for the simple reason that I'm a person of worth.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Corner Band - once again.

Dr. Pocket has invited me to join his Corner Band again.  And this time it is longer than just a simple one concert deal.  This is at least until March.  At least two concerts.  And I couldn't be more overjoyed, even though the rehearsal takes place during one of my revered kempo practices during the week.  I would not sacrifice that time of day unless the thing replacing kempo would help me emotionally as much as kempo does.  And being surrounded by the sweet sound of jazz music is one of those things.

This week's rehearsal I learned that not only am I playing in this awesome band, but Dr. Pocket seemed to have specifically called me out to play the solo part for a ballad.  The song is "Willow Weep for Me."  Here is a copy of the song, but it clearly isn't the version we'll be playing, because I won't be singing, but playing my trumpet.

When I realized that I had the solo, I started to freeze up even from just the thought of practicing it.  He wants me to be ready to play it next rehearsal, and I'm terrified.  Not only would any of the other trumpet players do a much better job, but this is my very first chance to play a ballad solo.  I'm surrounded by people ions better than me, and he asked the newbie who can't improv to take this solo.  Granted, most of it is written out, but it is only the melody.  And if you listen to the link above, the melody is really quite plain and simple.  Any version you find of this song, the soloist will be dancing around that melody.  And I need to learn how to do it in less than 20 days.

Yeah, I'm dead nervous.  Now that I've finally been invited to the band for an extended period of time, he lays this on me, and I worry that I'll totally screw up and he'll toss me out.

After thinking through it, I realized that it is the same nervousness that I feel when I'm paired up with Sensei during kempo.  Especially when we are sparing and have boxing gloves on.  I just get the impression that he's gonna take me out and I'll be down for the count.  He never would.  But just the fact that I know he could terrifies me.  When I realized this, it made me start wondering if I could use kempo to help me get over my fear of this solo.  Or maybe not get rid of it, but help me face it down like I would face down Sensei in a sparing match.

One good thing with sparing with Sensei is the simple knowledge that I'll learn something new.  If I spar with Sandpaper, I might learn something new.  If I spar with Star, it is never going to happen.  Our version of sparing quickly turns into a cat fight with us just kind of clawing (as if anyone can claw with boxing gloves on) at each other.  But if I spar with Sensei, he is bound to tell me something new.  Whether that is that I keep leading with the same hand, or a way to make a combo attack, or whatever.  I'll always learn something new.  It can be very frustrating.  He sees so much that it irritates me.  Again, it's like he can see through me.  That bugs me... a lot more than I thought it would.

Despite the fact that it terrifies me, I know I'll learn something.  Maybe that's how I should approach the Corner Band with my likely not very good solo.  I'll be terrified, surely.  But surely they won't eat me or kick me out.  Dr. Pocket invited me because he saw my potential.  Maybe they will teach me something about how to do it better.  If I could take it that way, I know I have the ability (if not the courage) to stare down Sensei and get beaten by him - but I come away from it stronger.  Hopefully that's how it will go with the Corner Band.  I'll let you know when it happens.

Even more hopefully I'll be able to have this mind set when I face down my fear.