Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Thanksgiving and Christmas updates

Ok, I know that I haven't been writing about our holidays, but really... everyone's is pretty much the same. "We visited family, the food was amazing and we had a really fun time" pretty much sums it up.

Still... why do I feel guilty for not posting about it? Whatever, here goes...


Rocket Scientist amazingly got the whole weekend off (cause his line ROCKS) so no problems there. We left Wednesday to headed south to the southern end of the state I live in (you know... trying to be conspicuous and all that...) to visit Rocket Scientists family. Both of his parents grew up down there (in different towns) so that is where his grandparents live.

On the way down we got a call from Rocket Scientist's dad saying we should stop somewhere before we get to our hotel in the celebration town because it was snowing pretty bad. We took his advice. We stayed in a nice (yet cheep... is that possible?) hotel that even had a pool and we might have dove in had we our suits, and bunckered down for the night. Oi... that night I hardly got any sleep. I had a pounding headache, it was a different bed than the one at home, and with all that... the people above us were awake and really loud at 5 in the morning... Sure they had kids (you could hear them pounding around as they ran) and I can understand that... but they sure didn't seem to try to get them to be quiet. Around that time I begged Rocket Scientist to get me some Tylenol (which he should have done the night before when I started feeling the headache come on) and the small bottle is in my purse still.

We made the half hour trip down to our destination and started with the festivities. As always in blogs, the food was great, the company was delightful and we had a great time. I am slowly, ever so slowly getting more comfortable with his family. I feel like it is taking me forever though...

Boy, I talk a lot... I'll try and summerize the Christmas update better.


Having visited Rocket Scientist's family for Thanksgiving, we spend the majority of Christmas with mine. Both of our parents though live in close enough proximity that we can visit both in one day... just a more hectic day.

Once again, Rocket Scientist got the whole weekend off. We left Wednesday and went sledding with my family in freezing cold weather thanks to the wind. Boy, I hate wind... Oh, right. Christmas update... I'll get back on it.

Uh... after dinner with my family, we hurried and packed up as fast as we could waiting for the person's family whose car was behind us who was waiting for the person's family whose car was behind THEM so we could hurry down to Rocket Scientist's parents house so me and my sister's-in-law could glue the rest of the calendar pictures to the calendar for his mom. THEN drive back up to my parent's house to sleep for the night. Boy was I tired that night. Good thing too otherwise I would have waited up for Santa to come.

Christmas day came and went filled with present openings and loud grandkids. Bug finally started to understand what presents were, but not to the extent where he was opening other's presents. Thankfully he only opened the ones I gave him to open. The rest of the weekend was filled with games with both our families and too many sweets. I also had a get together with some high school friends and we had a fun night together laughing at the memories.

Sorry once again for no pictures. We brought our camera down but just like us... forgot to take pictures. I was kicking myself for that. Anyway, hope yours was great.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'm so blessed!

Last year, you may remember my post about it if you have been reading this that long, Rocket Scientist and I were "sub-for-Santa"-ized. Sometime between Little Angel's death and the funeral, we had a knock at the door and I answered it to see a man I hadn't seen before carrying a huge bag.


"Hi, you don't know me, but someone back there told me to give this to you guys." The man said.

"Oh... thank you!" Was my surprised answer.

He smiled warmly. "Merry Christmas." And handed over the huge bag full of gifts.

One year later, here I am sitting at my computer wasting time, prolonging the inevitable of cleaning my house and cooking a meal for five, I hear a rustling outside my door. It sounded as if someone was attaching a bag or something to my door. I hesitated, not sure if I was hearing correctly, but decided still to peek out the peephole. I did see two people there, and one of them had his(?) hand close to my door. Then with my hand pressed to the door as well, I felt and heard two knocks, and the people left. I didn't really get a good enough look at their faces to know who they were, though which they are probably grateful(?).

I hesitate as I watch him(?) walk away without waiting for me to answer. After he(?) was out of site, I slowly open my door and what to my wondering eyes should appear... wrapped gifts and food, not only to put in stockings, but also to eat right now. Soup, fruit cups, and gifts for all of us names (spelt right, I may add, except the "e" at the end of my name) on the packages.

I stood there in shock as I realized that we had been "sub-for-Santa"-ized two times in a row. I can only assume it came from someone or a group of someone's in my ward, and if they are reading this... my heart is filled with love and warmth. I'm not really sure if we're blessed or if we are just being spoiled by our wonderful ward, but still... I am truly grateful.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

X-ray vision

Bug just barely put his hands up by his eyes in a binocular fashion. I think he adopted that from Mickey Mouse Playhouse I think... Anyway, back to the story... he "held up his binocluars" and looked closely at my belly.

"Do you see the baby?" I ask.

"Yup!" he answers enthusiastically.

I never knew he had X-ray vision...

Other things going on with teaching him about our new addition include showing him the ultrasounds... (which I'm going to get around to scanning soon...) and he is the one telling me all about what is in them. "See! It's the baby!" "It's the heart!" (on the one where it shows the heartbeat. Then he wants to listen to mine... he thinks it is the baby's... need to work on that...)

Needless to say, he is quite excited... let's hope it stays that way.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


So, it feels official now. I mean, I knew I was pregnant before, but it feels more real now.

I just got back from my first appointment with my doctor and got those magic ultrasound pics. I guess I could scan them and post them, but that will have to wait til later. I'm feeling a nap coming on soon here.

Also, due to the fact that I wasn't really sure when my last period was (how they find out the due date) I knew that the due date after this appointment would change drastically from what they were saying before. I was right. Before I would say July 2nd. Now it is June 21. Six days after my birthday. I'm kind of excited. On my side of the family, I have the only birthday in June which is saying something coming from a family of nine and my parents have about 18 grandchildren.

Also I think it is neat that this baby will be for sure coming in June because I have a sister-in-law and a sister both pregnant. One is due in April, one in May, and now I am due in June. A baby a month. Neat huh? Well, anyway, my pillow calls to me, so I guess I'll get my usual half hour nap for the day.


Sunday, December 7, 2008

"How are you?"

I hate that question.

It isn't even a question anymore, but a greeting, and if you don't answer in the usual/expected answer: "I'm good." then you get funny looks or another question. "Aww, what's wrong?" Then they don't even listen to your answer, if you even choose to give them a truthful answer.

There is the rare chance when someone will ask "How are you?" genuinely, but they hardly ever actually pay close attention to your answer. If you are really crappy that day you aren't gonna say that to them, because the question could very well be the greeting and they really don't care how you are doing.

On the other hand when I am having a crappy day, I long for someone to ask me that question. How do I answer? "I'm good." That is the expected answer an if you answer any differently, they avoid you the rest of the day because they don't want to feel obligated to ask, "Why?"

I guess the question I really long to hear is, "How are you REALLY doing?" Because then I know it isn't just the greeting or a heartfelt question yet not really paying attention to my actions. They really want to know how I am doing. Then I feel I can break down into tears and tell them all my sorrows. Ok, maybe not that bad, I'd restrict myself a little unless they kept asking questions and I would answer. I want to know just how much they want to know about my crappy day before I tell them every little detail.

Just cause I know you are dieing to ask... I'm not all that great right now. I'll go through a conversation that would never happen because I would never say these things although I certainly feel like it:

Imaginary "friend": "How are you doing, Shay?"

Me: "I'm good."

Imaginary "friend": "Oh, that's nice... I'm doing..."

Me: "Actually it isn't nice. I was lying. How do you think I'm doing? I feel crappy. My son died last year and I have had a whole year to ache over it. Should I be doing wonderful? Should I be the wonderfully "strong" person you watched comfort everyone else at my sons funeral? Do you expect me to be the same amazingly wonderful and strong person that only cried once during the funeral and graveside service? Who sang at the funeral? I can't always be that person. I can't always be happy go lucky and live up to everyone's standards. Yet I feel obligated because of what everyone has told me for a year. 'She's so strong' keeps echoing through my head. How am I? I'm feeling crappy right now, thanks for asking."

End of my imaginary conversation. By this time, the Imaginary "friend" has walked off in haste saying she actually needed to be somewhere, and I'm railing to the air.

Sometimes I just want to answer that question in a happy, cheerful voice, "I'm horrible today actually, how are you?" and see if they pick up on the words or just listen to my tone.

How am I? Crappy, thanks for asking.

Oh how I hate that question.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

From Dito to Dumbuh

I just gave Bug an option to pick what movie he wanted to watch. He picked one of his favorites. Dumbo. But he called it Dumbuh instead of Dito. For so long he had called it Dito. It sent an ache through my heart. Granted, I know he needs to learn to talk properly, but still... I'll miss hearing him say Dito.

Hello, my name is Confused.

I know I know... it has been quite a while since I had last posted. My only real excuse is that I have been so into writing my story that I haven't done much else. I very may possibly be past the point of no return. You know... that part in really good books near the end where you just have to keep reading because it is so intence or whatnot? Yeah, I think I'm past that now in my own story, and since I have been writing in such a way that I feel like I'm reading an actual book and have almost no control over what the characters do. They are telling the story to me, and they hold back any information until I get there. I have a few small glimpses as to what might happen near the end of it, but that is about it.

Anyway, right now, I think I'm just very confused. And I don't really know what is wrong with me. I have so many things I feel like I could do much better at yet, I don't put any effort into them. I don't know what is wrong. I don't know if maybe it is my frame of mind, or maybe just my not wanting to change though I know it will be for the better. This is most likely to be a very random post, just as a post warning (no pun intended).

Maybe I don't really know what to do with my life. That is very possible. Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said, "I want to be a mom." Now that I'm there, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I did have a back up plan, and that was going to school and majoring to be a Music Teacher. I now know that I don't think I would ever have the temperament to be a good music teacher. Not that I don't like kids or anything, but I don't think I could ever deal with the parents.

Yet, my first answer to what I wanted to do came before I graduated. My mom didn't work. I have a job as a Mary Kay consultant, yet I haven't done much with it. People keep telling me that they see great potential in me, yet I don't feel like I have done anything to receive such a statement directed at me. More than that, I can't see that in myself. I don't feel like I had done anything in my life that was wonderful or great. Anything that would show anyone that I meet now what great potential I have.

Rocket Scientist always says what a good Mom I am, yet what do I do everyday? Sit at my computer and write a story while Bug seems to always claim my attention. The kitchen is always a mess since I don't keep up with the dishes, we seem to always be behind on laundry, and I know a clean house doesn't designate a good mom. Yet, I feel I don't do anything meaningful for Bug. And thinking of this and writing this all down just makes me depressed all the more and makes me want to hide behind my story again.

I don't know how to cope. I have had many a headache lately, and I wonder if it is all this stress. All this stuff that I know I need to do but haven't and that knowledge gives me all the stress and tension in my shoulders and causes a tension headache that doesn't go away with Tylenol. One day a few days ago I had a 24 hour headache where I took two dosages of Tylenol.

I don't know where all this is going. I don't know where I am going. I don't know where my story is going. I'm just confused. You can call me that from now on.