But what if you aren't good? What if you live your life, going through the world and trying very hard not to lie? *points to Shay*
My bishop (leader of my ward, which is an LDS "congregation") and I had this discussion last Sunday. He asked me how I was doing, and... to be completely honest with you, it was one of those Sundays that.... just got to me. I will expound later. I couldn't find myself to just say, "good." Because I wasn't. In fact, it is possible that I was nearly ready to start sobbing. So, as the actor that I am, I laughed it off, and started the conversation.
"I'm not sure how you want me to answer that," I said (or something of the like.) "Do I lie, and say 'good' or should I tell you the truth which would end up with us talking in your office?" Yes, I was really that bad off. I wouldn't say that I am that much better now.
He laughed too, and we continued to "joke" around. I think he understood that there was something seriously wrong with me. Or maybe I like to just imagine that he got that impression.
And so, I write this as honestly as I can. You ask me how I am? Well, get ready for the truth. Because on here is where I find that I can be the most truthful. Or stop reading if you think you can't deal with it. I won't be offended. Heck, I won't even know if you continue reading or not.
I am under the impression that I have been striving very hard to be numb, nearly my whole life. I have contemplated how well I would be able to do if I tried to actually act. I have never really been in a play of any sort, but with the act that I put on every day of my stinking life.... I just might be able to pull it off quite well. I am even under the impression that I am so darn good, that I can even fool myself.
I think that I have come to a realization last Sunday. A few moments that stand out a couple days later: Instead of going to teach my primary class with Pro Boxer, I guess it was my turn to go to the teaching ... class thing. One comment stands out. "How do you know what you are doing is pleasing to the Lord?" Do not ask me why that stands out so much.
Then in sharing time, when all the kids got together in a big group, and we sang and listened to a member of the primary presidency talk, I realized another thing. The lesson was about listening to good music and reading/watching good books/movies (or rather, not listening to "bad" music and not reading/watching "bad" books/movies.)
You know that feeling that some songs give you? Where the music just enters your skin and you feel little tingles all over your body or heat blossoms in your heart? I realized during that lesson, that I have been trying to do everything I can to prevent my body from feeling that way. When I hear a good song, and the tingles start in my right arm and I can feel them pushing their way to the rest of my body, I force myself to ignore the song or the feeling, and eventually it goes away.
It is also the reason why I don't say my own personal prayers anymore. Because, without a doubt, I know that if I kneel down and pray, I will get that feeling again.
And yes, if you are not of my faith, that feeling is what we call the spirit. The Holy Ghost. Go to Mormon.org if you want to learn more. And no, I am not posting that to get you to join. If you are looking for truthful answers to my faith that is seen as somewhat bizarre, then you can find them there.
I started this session now entitled, "Shay's blatantly truthful moment" talking about how I believe that I have been forcing myself to go through my life numb. Whether or not that is true, I have discovered at least one thing this weekend. I am currently living my life trying to numb myself from the only one person who I know can save me. I don't even know why I am doing such a stupid thing. I do it every time a new layer of my rotten to the core onion comes to the surface.
I believe in Christ. I firmly believe that I do. I also have a firm belief that He is the only one who can heal me. That belief is the only thing that keeps me going to church despite the danger of me feeling something there. It seems that the only thing that I don't believe is that I am important enough to be healed. I continue trying to hide. I continue to try and push away from these feelings. For someone who does such things, does she really deserve that kind of love? Unconditional is a common way to say it. Yet, for some reason, I can't find myself to be important enough to include myself in the term, "unconditional."
Every night, I lay in bed, curled up into a ball, once again knowing that I didn't bow to my Lord and beg for His help. That I didn't turn to Him, and knowing that his arms are reaching out. I can't bring myself to face Him when I use such tactics to try and ignore Him. Why should I be so important? How do others see that importance in me? Why in the WORLD do so many people love me when all I strive for in life is to hide?
Yes, it is depressing. Don't tell me that I didn't warn you.