Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


...I survived the weekend.

But I was forced to do homework on Sunday. Boo.

Anyway, I have a headache, and I sometimes feel nauseated. I probably forced myself to work too hard. Whatever, I'm alive. I guess that is what is important.

Goof Ball has like... three blisters or so on his little fingers. I noticed them yesterday morning. I hadn't even known that he had gotten hurt, but one of them had been popped already. Then yesterday afternoon, he came up to me crying a little and holding his fingers out and another one had popped. Honestly, when I first saw his fingers I couldn't really tell what they were. I only realized that they were blisters after more of them had popped. Anyway, the one that had been popped from the first time that I saw them now looked as if it was trying to heal, but it didn't look right. The harder cover stuff over the opening of the blister was kinda yellow and I could see some fiber stuff from toys or something clinging to it. Now that I could more easily tell what the things were, I started to wonder if he got burned at some point or something... they are on the tops of his middle and ring finger.

Anyway, so I was kinda nervous about it, so even though I had to get ready for the next thing I needed to go to, I had Pro Boxer help me alcohol (Goof Ball didn't like that a bit) and bandage up his little fingers. I checked them again this morning, and they looked a lot better. We re-neosporined (hey, if photoshopping can be a verb, so can neosporined...) them, and bandaged them again. Hopefully everything will go well with that.

Anyway, so life is moving on... I am .... well I don't know how I am. Physically I wonder if something is wrong. Knowing me, it probably just means that I need to eat. Occasional nausea, headaches come and go... and of course my chronic cough. It is a little more juicy than it normally is, and that was probably more information than you wanted to know.

Emotionally? Spiritually? I really have no idea. Psychologically? Search me. Some days I think I am improving only to realize that I am worse off than I was before the next day. I keep toying with the idea of talking to my bishop or trying to get an appointment with a counselor from LDS family services.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say. I ran out of Oreos again this afternoon. I continuously had to hold back tears at church.

Go figure. Everything for my good? Everything? Riiiiight.... Once I was optimistic, believing that somehow maybe I could find something good from being walked all over my whole life in various stages of damage. Personally, I'm sick of being walked all over. Losing Little Angel to death, sure, I can find something good in that. He doesn't have to be stuck in this world of pain like I do. Everything else though... really, I don't see how anyone could find anything "good" from being used, abuse, ignored, and walked all over.

And yes, Jesus was also used, abused, ignored, and walked all over. But I'm not perfect and wonderful, and I'm certainly NOT going to die to save all of humanity. For him, there was something good about it. Despite how difficult it must have been. For me. Not so much. I'm just an item to take advantage of.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

In Which Shay discusses health and Japanese

Physical health is as much to be expected I suppose. I worry however that Pro Boxer may be coming down with a cold... The kids are fine though.

Bug is doing fine with school, and from my point of view seems to be possibly above what his teacher is attempting to teach the kids. He doesn't complain about it either, which is nice.

Goof Ball seems to have adjusted rather well to the change of his brother going to school, as well as mommy being away. But I'm not around to witness that... we'll just hope that it is going fine. I haven't heard any horror stories from Pro Boxer, so I assume that all is well.

And then there is me.

I think I have slowly begun to trust again... hopefully. Sometimes I kneel down and say a short... very short prayer, other times I do it while huddled in bed, and even other times when I just try, though pointless it is, to hide. But I think I'm doing a bit better. Either that or I'm just having WAY too many oreos. ~_^

Anyway, I am crazy busy. Section leader stuff, and personal finance (oh no! I have to do a quiz for that before tomorrow!), and Lit History, and TBS (the band service sorority in which I got invited to join for the second time), and Japanese.

Ah yes, Japanese.

Have I mentioned that I have found a way to take Japanese classes and not run out of credits before I have to pay out of state? Don't ask me how that all worked out. Whatever the case, I am taking Japanese 1010 and... well I am loving it... but it is really busy work. We meet every day for example, so I have homework every night. Speaking of which, I need to get to it.

But it is really fun. I have a friend in band who learned Japanese at one point in her life, and I have been trying to txt her and talk to her in Japanese instead of English and it has helped a lot. For some reason I just can't feel as comfortable in a class or even tutoring situation to learn what I need about building my own sentences and whatnot. So it is nice to have a good friend to practice with. And I think it helps her to remember what she learned a while ago too.

And on that note, I have just remembered that Bug's school is doing this thing where they can sign up for an extra class to learn Chinese... And I signed him up for that. He agreed to it, though I am not sure he entirely understands what it means to learn a different language, but really... I wish I had been pressured a bit more to learn when I was younger. I'm not sure how they will do this class yet, but hopefully I can learn along with him so that we can help each other. Which I have been doing with Japanese with him, teaching him words like:

はい、ありがと、おい、and I want to start teaching him おやすみなさい。

And just so you can keep up, the words I wrote were, hai (yes), arigato (thanks), oi (hey, you), and the last one was o-yasumi nasai (Good night- only used [as far as I know] in familial relationships right as you are going to sleep. like... you are lying in bed and stuff)

Anyway... I really should get to doing homework.


(Ja = see ya.)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I haven't forgot to update... I have just been way too busy to do so. For now, just know that I have been much better than my last post suggests.