Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.


and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.


munch up.

Friday, July 31, 2009

GNM 13

Squirmy's sleeping, and hubby is heading to bed as well so I'll keep it quick.

We got a TON done today in cleaning up our apartment. We have been living in a pig sty (literally) for weeks. There is still stuff to be done, like put clean clothes fresh from the laundry away and a few toys here and there. Plenty of junk on our desks, but we got a lot done. It was refreshing and exhausting at the same time.

Also, thanks to the Wii Fit, my weight is slowly getting lower. I won't share much on that score, but I'm glad to have something to help me with that. Another bonus with the Wii Fit... it helps keep me sane. The yoga poses have helped considerably, and I find I have better days when I do excersize. Not sure if it is just the action of doing something, or if the yoga itself helps. But in any case... it helps a lot.

Good night world. Pray for a night full of sleep for me.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

GNM 12

Ok, so this might be a bit silly sounding, but remember... I AM sick... this just kind of made my day.

I have a Bacefook account, and one of my friends just recently changed their status, saying that she changed the language of the site to English (pirate) and announced how others could do it. Well, I did it, and it made me laugh really hard. It is quite hilarious... anyway... so that is my good news minute for the day. ^_^

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

GNM 11

Well, seeing as I got mastitis this afternoon and still feel a little fevery even after my first pill, I think I will pull my good news minute from the morning hours.

*contemplates...*

Not sure what it will be...

Rocket Scientist came in in the early morning hours, and took Squirmy out of the room so I could get some sleep. Thankfully Bug let me get some sleep too.

I guess that is it...

G'night one and all...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

July activities

Disclaimer... prepare yourself to LOTS of pictures. You have been warned.

A few things we have been up to:

Ward Luau:

Some fun videos. They called all the men up to do this dance, so Rocket Scientist isn't the only one up there making a fool of himself. :) I know they all look the same, but I'm putting them all on here because they all have funnies in all of them and I couldn't decide which one to do. And yes. I got Rocket Scientist's permission to put this on. I'm not going to be in trouble for this. What a good sport. Watch them in order or you will spoil the ending. ^_^

video

video

video

video

Family reunion (Shay's side):

Here are some pictures of the fun time we had camping with my family.

Bubble fun! Don't you just LOVE the face Bug is making here?
















They are all so transfixed!
















I love the face Bug is making in this one too, and wish it wasn't fuzzy.
















A candid shot of my mom, brother, and soon to be sister-in-law.
















Little Squirmy
















The cute little Bug




















Squirmy doing what he does best. Squirming in the front seat. I don't even really remember taking this pic...




















Playing in the lake near where we were camping. I'm surprised how willing he was to hold still for pictures.




















What an adorable smile!
















He enjoyed throwing the mud back into the water... a little too much fun I may add... I think he was trying to attack the water for constantly coming up and hitting him.
















After fun at the lake we stopped for a bite to eat before we headed back to camp. My nephew (shown here) laid down on his mom's lap (without even finishing his shake!! *gasp!*) and within thirty seconds was asleep. His mom loved it (I did too, I admit...) and we took a picture of him since she didn't know where her camera was.
















24th of July parade:

Bug's first... well not first... but possibly the first time he will remember it, or at the very least the name of it, parade. Most definitely Squirmy's first parade. Well, here are the pics.

I just love his smile!
















This pic was taken by my silly brother and it inspired him to take...




















...this one which actually turned out pretty cool in my opinion.
















Like I said... I can't get over his smile!
















Waving the flag.
















Me and my hot self. Hey look at that! My glasses really ARE transition! It is hard for me to tell sometimes, you know?
















The cute little Bug
















Ain't my dad fun?
















Squirmy in Grandma's arms.
















Squirmy holding the flag. Ok, not really... but it kinda looks like that right?






GNM 10

Wow... in the double digits already?? And I have been doing one everyday! Despite the fact that I have still had depressing days, yet, throughout these ten days, it seems like I have been having less depressing days than I was before... Hurrah for good days!!!

So, this good news minute is brought to you by a neighbor in my ward. We had playgroup today again, and it was pretty much uneventful. I was in little conversation, and was trying not to let my sleep deprived/depressed self come out, because seriously, who wants a depressed mom at playgroup?

The mothers slowly started to go home, and I was eventually the only one sitting at the bench, and Bug the only one at the playground. I decided to go instead of sit there getting more and more sweaty with my depressed self. I headed off with Bug in tow and about when we got to our building, someone who was at playgroup with her three girls and newborn little boy (just a few days younger than Squirmy) came out with something big and blue in her hands, and hollered to me. I headed over to see what she wanted. She wanted to give me the big blue thing which in fact was a bouncy/vibrating chair thing for Squirmy. I had always wanted to get one of those for my kids, but never had the money. I was excited, and hoped that this is what would help me get things done and get some sleep. She didn't like it since it didn't support her son's head very well, so she got a new one and was going to take this one to DI.

Well, it is a hit. Squirmy was able to calm himself down by himself while sitting in it (with it vibrating of course) and he is currently asleep in it. It doesn't support his head much (seriously... what baby gadget does?), but he likes it, it is better (in my opinion) than having him in his car seat all day (who wants to sit on buckles and straps all day long??), and it is able to calm him down while I do dishes! Wahoo!!!!

I will post pictures soon. I promise. Seriously... I will....

Monday, July 27, 2009

GNM 9

Okies... time to post for today...

Uh.... good news..... hmm.......

Rocket Scientist surprised me by getting Sobe's at the store this morning, and I didn't find out until tonight after Bug was asleep. How.... exciting.... Well, I liked it, and it is the only thing my tired and slightly depressed brain can come up with right now, so deal with it.

Tomorrow I think I will try to get some pictures up here since I have been told that we are slackers in that department.

Stay tuned for another exciting episode!!

GNM 8

Once again, this is for yesterday's good news minute...

When we got home yesterday, the first thing Bug did was go to his room, claim it was a mess, and started cleaning all the toys up.

I'm still working on finding a good news minute for today, but I'll post it later tonight. If... I find it....

Sunday, July 26, 2009

GNM 7

Still visiting family, so this post is for yesterday's good news minute.

Yesterday Bug woke up with a tummy bug. He was throwing up all day. It was one of those days where I got thrown up on, and spit up on multiple times. Sadly enough, I didn't pack a ton of clothes for Bug and I like I usually did. The only ones who had enough clothes this weekend (without laundering them here) was Rocket Scientist and Squirmy. Squirmy I knew would use a lot of clothes since I knew spit up was inevitable. As for Rocket Scientist (the lucky guy), he didn't get thrown up on, and got little (if any) spit up on him. So yeah... on to the good news minute.

Bug was able to tell us when he was about to throw up. It may seem silly that THAT is my good news minute, but it minimized messes quite sufficiently. The only times he didn't throw up in a bucket were the beginning ones and he didn't quite know how to let us know. The last time before I could notice the signs and he could tell us he was about to throw up was the time I got thrown up on. Note to self: never hold a toddler who is sick in the tummy... (at least when he is trying to tell me he is about to throw up...)

And in case you are wondering, yes, after a whole day of not being able to keep ANYTHING down (pepto for kids, sprite, water, crackers, nutmeg, Pedialite, ginger ale... we were quite desperate we kept trying everything we could think of...), he woke up today and has been great. Thank goodness it was only a 24 hour thing. All day he kept asking for water, or toast, or bananas.... the poor kid. At least he is better now right?

Cross your fingers for Squirmy.... I really don't want to deal with a newborn with a tummy bug....

Friday, July 24, 2009

GNM 5 & 6

So, since I am not at my normal computer, I wasn't able to get my good news minute in yesterday, so here it is.

Yesterday's good news minute:

I already said it. I am not at my own house, and am visiting family for the July 24th weekend. It is nice to be away from home and being able to have someone else help out with Squirmy. That in of itself made my day.

Today's good news minute:

Once again, I am still not at my own home which is good in and of itself. But there are many more things to blog about today.

I got nine hours (NINE HOURS!!!!!!!!) of sleep last night. Squirmy woke up about every three hours, which is a good news by itself but the fact that he went back to sleep after every feeding, well, you can imagine how good it felt to actually get some sleep.

This morning, Squirmy gave me a big smile. And it seemed like it was really directed at me rather than just "gas". Some proof of this is the fact that I got three more smiles after that first one. THREE MORE!!! Crazy! That is quite a record for a new smile baby.

Another one for today, Bug is playing with Squirmy and being really cute with him playing with a toy that lights up and makes noise and he ended up putting Squirmy to sleep. He also stepped in for Mommy and wiped up some spit up from Squirmy's face. So cute.

What cute boys I have.

When I get back to my computer I will post some pictures from the parade we went to yesterday. My brother got some good ones of Bug, and I have a few of Squirmy's first parade as well which are cute. He is getting so big. Filling up 3-6 month clothes already!

Hurrah for good days!!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

GNM 4

Well, for today...

I got a nap while Squirmy slept in the car seat, and Bug was playing on Starfall.

I also got quite a bit (compared with what I have done recently) done on my story. It really wasn't much, but still... more than I have been able to do for a while.

It feels lame to even me, but that is what I am posting.

I hope I can get SOME sleep tonight since the past three nights have consisted of feeding Squirmy or trying to calm him down so I could sleep... I don't remember very much sleeping happening.... *sigh...*

Good night.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

GNM 3

Today's good news minute:

Playgroup. I guess that was pretty much it. It was kind of a bummer day, but at least I was able to get out for a bit and talk with adults when I don't usually talk to adults throughout the majority of my days.

I'm actually surprised I had such a good day yesterday since the night before was horrible with Squirmy resisting sleep. I think the sleep deprivation is catching up with me though since he did the same thing last night. I feed him, and he is still not content enough to sleep. I'm running out of ideas of what to do with him to get some sleep.

But playgroup was nice. It wasn't too hot, and we left before it got scorching. A few downsides were Bug got picked on by one of the kids (he kept stealing Bug's hat and hiding it), and got pushed down by another one... Bug is too easy going, and is now starting to pick up on some bad habits... I don't know what to do about that.

If I don't get enough sleep tonight though, I don't know how I will survive tomorrow... wish me luck.

Monday, July 20, 2009

One last thing...

One more thing before I turn off the computer... for anyone who is following it, I added a lot of quotes in the "Wise sayings (yeah, I call 'em wise sayings)" section of my blog. It is on the left hand side for those who aren't following it. I will try to remember them a bit more as the days go on so I will be trying to update it more regularly... keep your eyes open.

G'night!

Good news minute 2 (from now on shortened to "GNM 1...2...3" depending on which one I'm on)

Today's good news minute:

Today was a pretty lazyish day. But it was nice. This morning we all spent time on my bed just having bonding moments. We had another bonding moment on the couch later on. We only had one time out today. It was fun to just spend the morning on my bed with my two cute boys and see Bug interact with Baby (blog name changing to Squirmy as of now). Squirmy has been doing ok today... last night was a bit stressed for me since he wouldn't sleep hardly at all it seemed, but at least the morning was nice. Squirmy was content on the bed with Bug and I and we just all laid there enjoying one anothers company.

Also, I was able to have an afternoon with baby free arms. I found a way to have Squirmy content without sleeping in my arms. Car seat. He likes to be propped up, so what is better than the car seat? I know, I know... many baby info sites say not to have them in there for very long, but if it gives me a few hours rest from holding him... I'm going to take it. So there.

Another one (wow... I'm being really positive today...), we (that is Rocket Scientist and I) have found a possible option for a job that seems promising. What about finishing school again you may ask? Well... that may or may not happen. Neither of us have really felt sound in our choice to change to Computer Science, and this other option will work with or out a degree in the particular field (and the starting pay is more than we make now...). Plus, Rocket Scientist already has a degree in drafting, so who knows. This option though is feeling more sound in our hearts, so who knows where it will take us. We are going to look into it more tomorrow, but for now, just know that our future may take a pretty drastic change. (for family who are interested to know what I'm talking about, e-mail me and I will expound a bit more.)

I guess that is it. Wow... pretty positive day I guess huh?

Oh, Oh, another one!!! I got a lot of work done on my story today! Well... not a lot of writing, more like figuring out the time line better, studying the place where my characters live a bit more so I feel more sound in writing about it... hehe.

Three cheers for positive days!!!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Good news minute

In Relief Society, we do a "good news minute" every week, where people raise their hand and share a bit of good news from their week. I think I'll try to post a "good news minute" thing everyday. Don't count too much on it, since I am the mother of two little rambuncious boys (or at least one rambuncious boy and another boy who is quite demanding, insisting I hold him every second of the day....) and I may not be able to get on here everyday to post something. But I will look for something to post everyday. If I miss a day I will try to catch you up.

So, for today:

Bug (while at the dinner table) said, "Go pie?" I scrunched my forehead in confusion. What in the world did "Go pie" mean? Well, eventually we figured it out, and realized that if you try to say "pie" in two syllables, it sounds kind of like "potty". That's right. While wearing a diaper and sitting at the dinner table, he asked if he could go potty. That is a HUGE step for him, and we are way excited about it. Let's keep this up, Bug!!!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

New goal

Wait.... did I just say goal???

In the past I would never set a goal of my own accord. More like if someone made me. Or some other such thing.

Another side note before I get into my post... This is from now on. Not with any of my previous posts.

Ok. So. Yes. Many past posts have been pretty depressive. Especially recently. I have always considered myself to be optimistic. This blog is proof that I was just fooling myself. In reality, I always acted optimistic, but deep down in the inside... I almost always look at the negative. Because of past abuse, I have learned how to be a really good actor from a young age. I can act like I'm having the best of days in the midst of the worst days in my life. I don't usually act for my kids and husband though, which is why the previous post was posted. I am my worst self at my own home.

So, to the goal. I think that talking and complaining about the negative is normal, healthy, and even almost therapeutic. But if you always do that, it doesn't help anything. It actually hinders. So. If ever I find myself focusing on the negative, I will come on here (screaming baby or not) post a few negatives of the day, but after that, post some positives of the day. To start off though, I will do at least one positive. Eventually I hope to have the same amount of positive, and hopefully even to the point where there is hardly any negative and mostly positive. I'm going to leave the goal un-deadlined though. I don't know how long this will take me to change my attitude like this, but I hope (at least) that I am doing better next year than I am right now.

Wish me luck. And if I ever post a purely negative post, comment on it to get some positives on there and I will post a new post with only positive. Thank you for the thoughts, prayers, and comments. I may have rolled my eyes on some of them, but only because I was still focused on the negative and never thought it would be possible or some other sort of thing.

Well.... here we go!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Am I really doing any good?

I think I'm failing.

When I hear Baby whine or start to cry I groan.

I here Bug say "Mom" and I start to get upset.

My anger comes out of nowhere and very VERY quickly.

My voice raises so quickly and so often that Bug is constantly telling me "shhh!" (which in turn makes me more angry)

My computer chair isn't cold for five minutes in one day.

We never leave the house unless we have errands.

We are all in pj's (or in Bug's case naked to his diaper) a majority of the day.

I get frustrated when Baby won't stop crying.

I prolong feeding Baby until he (or I) can't stand it anymore.

I seem to be angry a majority of the day. (the rest of the day I think I'm numb.... or on the computer)

I don't make lunch until I look at the clock and realize it is already past noon.

I know all these things, and yet I continue them all.

Most of the words I use when talking to Bug are negative: "NO! Stop! Don't do that!" etc....

No one sees this side of me but my little family here. (Rocket Scientist, Bug, Baby, and sadly... me)

There are days I'm sleeping or laying on the couch all day long leaving Bug to his own devices.

What's wrong with me???

Monday, July 13, 2009

Unanswerable questions

I want to be like them.

You know the ones.
The people who everyone wants to get to know.
Charismatic I think is the word.

I feel like I'm going through life unknown to the world.
I pop in and out of people's life as if I wasn't even there.

There are so many charismatic people that I know.
In high school they were prevalent.
I tried to join their group of friends.
To get to know them.
And them get to know me.
I have always felt shunned.

Maybe I'm imagining it.
Maybe not.
No one seems to really want to truly know me.
I'm just a person.
A never-ending wall flower.

Am I hiding?
Am I imagining this?

I feel so uninvolved and unaccepted.
No one reaches out to know me.
So I delve deeper in myself, thinking that no one cares anyway.

How do they do it?
How can some people be so charismatic that everyone wants to be their friend?
While others are never-ending wall flowers.

What makes one draw to someone else?
What makes up a person?

Why do I feel this way?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Baby stats

Ok so here we go.

Baby's stats are thus:

9 lbs. 11 oz. (almost a whole pound more than his birth weight!!!)
21 inches
37.8 head circumference
And I think the doctor said he was in the 75 percentile.

Baby is doing great. The doctor said (about the choking thing...) that Baby just might be getting too big a mouthful when the let-down occurs. He did give me other options that would require testing, but he said that wouldn't really be necessary unless Baby really seemed to struggle and if it occurred more often, if he struggles so long he turns color, and/or if he is gasping for breath when he isn't eating. None of which are happening now.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

2 week update

Wow.... two weeks already??

Well, the only update I can really give you all is my own observations. The stats will have to come tomorrow after his appointment. So.... this is how all of us are doing:

Rocket Scientist:

He seems to be doing fine. He isn't as sleep deprived as me, but that may be just because he can sleep through anything. He is a bit worn out though, but I think that is because he had to work last weekend, to the huge disappointment of myself.

Shay:

Very tired. It seems I go through every day in a half zombie state. Even if I get a little nap in the afternoon during quiet time (on the couch, holding Baby). It never seems to be enough sleep. Feeding times also can be pretty frustrating for me, but mainly because Baby likes to suck a few sucks, then fall off. Repeating that the whole feeding. It is quite frustrating for me when I just wanna sit and read something or attempt to doze off, or some other sort of thing. Another frustrating and worrisome thing that happens while he eats is sometimes he'll start coughing pretty bad like he is choking on something. It worries me particularly because after he is done coughing, he usually sits there for a second or so not breathing (I know this because of the gasp he does after a few seconds... it sounds like he is gasping for air). I don't know why he does this, and I pat his back during the whole thing to help maybe get whatever he seems to be choking on out (which could only be milk which makes no sense to me....), but I don't know if it is helpful or not since I don't even know why he is doing the whole deal.

Bug:

He is doing much better. He likes to be of help with Baby in getting the diaper, burp cloth, or binky as I ask for them. He will sometimes get the binky himself and try to get Baby to suck on it when Baby is crying and Mommy is busy. If Baby coughs or sneezes Bug (take a wild guess...) will ask Baby if he is ok. I say "I'm ok." in a high pitched voice to mimic Baby answering him, because if no one answers him he keeps asking. He asks everyone he meets if they are ok if they sneeze or cough around him, so I guess I'm not surprised he does it with Baby. He's doing a bit better in listening to us, but we are still working on it. We are slowly finding ways to deal with non-sensical tantrums (usually caused because we did something that it was "Bug's turn" for) and haven't as yet had one today. Cross your fingers for us.

Baby:

Sleeping. Eating. Sleeping. Eating. Studying the world around him. Eating. Sleeping. You get the picture. Last night I think I found out that Baby prefers to sleep in his cradle in comparison to our bed. Which is a good thing. Of course, Mommy's arms are still number one on his list, but he seemed to be uncomfortable on the master bed. Sometimes during the night after I feed him, I will put him on our bed just to set him down to see what he will do if I set him in his cradle. If he fusses and tries to suck the sheets I know he needs more. If he dozes off... well that means that he is done and ready to get back in his cradle and sleep. The only reason I do this, is even if he is still hungry he will sleep in my arms. I can never know if he is done or not if I am holding him. Anyway, so one time when I was testing him to see if he was all done, he kind of squirmed when I laid him on the master, and seemed to be uncomfortable, and I think I actually got a burp out of him before I tried this, so that was out. He still seemed to doze off, so I put him in his cradle. Then I got another few hours of sleep myself, so he seemed to be more comfortable in his own bed. Which is a nice change.

I guess that is it. If you are interested in his stats, check back tomorrow.... sometime in the late afternoon probably.