New Post!

Hey all. It has been an interesting week. Among other things.

I knew I wanted to post... but I can't remember why. Right now my mind is too filled with other things and there are questions and pain confusing and distracting me almost constantly.

I need to do laundry to prepare myself for visiting family again this weekend, I need to wash dishes so we can... uh... eat. All I want to do is veg and drown my aching heart in computer games or reading, or other such things. But I know I need to be busy.

Rocket Scientist (who shall now be known as Pro Boxer) surprised me with a new cup mute and book for Christmas. The book was The Squire, His Knight, and His Lady by Gerald Morris. If you haven't heard of it you should check it out. It is a sequel of The Squire's Tale, and he has many books following the same pattern as these two, with the same characters, but after the first two books you are following different characters. You still run into the same two characters however in the other books. I love them. They are based on Arthurian legends, and are really fun.

The kids got some fun things... among the family gifts, we got Wii Mario Kart, The Princess and the Frog (yes, I know... I'm the only girl in the family, but still... I insisted we got this for Christmas, and Bug and Pro Boxer likes it too. So there.), and Bug got a fun car set thing with a track for it to drive on and Goof Ball got a little book... thing... that is electronic, and has a microphone and a piano and drum... and well... Santa thought it might encourage him to communicate. Cross your fingers for us. ^_^

Anyway... that is a minor update. School starts again soon and of the three classes I was on a waiting list for, two of them have opened up for me. Things are going well... neither of us have a calling in our ward still, but we are waiting. This ward is more settled than any other ward we have been in, so they don't need replacement callings as quickly as the wards with lots of apartments. I feel really weird not having anything to do in the ward, but hopefully we'll get something soon.

I guess that is all for now. If I ever remember what I was going to say to you all earlier, I will try to remember to post it.

Waiting

It is time. Time for me to wait and wait and wait. And relax! WOO!

(I'm sure you have been waiting and waiting and waiting as well... but that might just be me assuming that you have haunted my blog for a new post... I can dream, right?)

My first semester back at school is now over, and I can relax. Which is a good thing, as I have a horrible cold which doesn't seem to want to go away. My last final on Wednesday I took while my brain was hardly coherent. We'll hope I did good. :) So now I'm waiting on my teachers to post my grades. On the few that I have seen, my lowest grade is a B+ which is encourageable. Though I think there were only... four classes posted, and one of them (a B-) the teacher had already contacted me and said that she put the wrong grade in and is trying to fix it. :) The other two were A's.

I am also waiting, quite literally, to get into two classes for next semester. One of them doesn't show any signs of letting up, I'm twelfth in line and have been since I got in the wait list. The other one I started in 3rd or 4th place, and am now next in line. I'm kind of worried about my schedule for next semester, and wonder if I'm trying to do too much. I'm not sure what kind of work load these classes will have, so that makes me a bit worried. But at least I'm still going to be in Jazz band and Wind Orchestra (the elite band) to keep my sanity. As well as, I guess, the basket ball band. Free games!

SO! Now that you are updated with me, I'll just post pictures ("Finally!") to update you all on the fam. Enjoy! (ps... my 16 year old niece took these... she is totally amazing!)

Look at the camera, Goofball!

What does your gastronomical apparatus admonish to you?

Speaking of Oreos, my life has been exceptionally busy. Oh? The hour is late? Look at that, it sure is. Well, as of late (haha), this hour has been something I see everyday, though not entirely by choice. I have some cute pictures to post, some stories to tell, but they will have to wait until later. Maybe after my third concert this week. And my other thing I need to do... oh, and let's not forget about that...

In any case, know that I haven't forgotten you. There has just been a longer and more pressing list to do ahead of blogging. "There's life outside of blogging?? Really??" Yes. I have found it. Now if I could just create some space or find that spacetime continuum that we talked about today in Astronomy and add a few hours to a day then I would have time to catch up with you all. Until then, you'll just have to wait with baited breath. Unless of course you find life outside of blogging as well, and if so, cudos to you.

Ta!

Happy Homecoming

Well we are moved in now. Boxes are everywhere. But what has really made this post possible is the fact that we now have internet! I have not had internet all weekend long. :(

SO. That said, I will commence to the rest of the post.

Saturday was crazy. I always knew it would be crazy. Friday was pretty bad too. We closed Friday, I had a mid-term that I missed because of it that I took yesterday. I also had a concert Friday night, which had a rehearsal with the band alumni that came to play with us as it was Homecoming week. That being said, Saturday had a parade that I marched in (as a member of the marching band), including a game afterward. Rocket Scientist was packing/moving that day with parents and other family who helped. I wish I could have done something to help other than play my trumpet... but it didn't happen that way.

After the game, I got home and we decided to have pizza for dinner. We went out, ordered pizza and went to the store. After we picked up our pizza, we got home (near 9 'o clock) I was trying to unlock the house and during so Bug said that he needed to throw up. He said such things earlier in the day and only spit in the toilet, so I didn't take him very seriously. Nevertheless, I did try harder to get the key in the lock in the dark night. Which sometimes causes more problems. Well, he threw up on the porch there getting ... stuff all over the lower part of my pants, and on all our shoes. After freaking out a bit, I smirked a bit and said, "Happy Homecoming." :)

I failed to mention anything regarding the house stuff. In Utah, well... I think more the company that we were using, we couldn't have the financing and recording on the same day that we closed, which meant that the house wouldn't officially be ours until yesterday. Which is what happened. BUT, we have stayed here every night since Saturday. Thankfully the sellers were okay with that as it was still officially their house and if we had burned it down (don't know why we would... or anyone for that matter) it would be their problem not ours. I was told that we would have to sign a waiver saying we wouldn't sue them or something if we broke our leg or something like that, but I never saw that... maybe because I didn't ever see sellers or anyone for that matter on Saturday.

*deep breath*

All that said, I am tired of all this box... stuff. But am trying to move in as well and efficiently as possible with two kids and being a full time student. The right side of my neck has been sore or something for a few days. I was REALLY hoping that I could see people who came to help on Saturday, one of which is Rocket Scientist's brother in law, and happens to be a chiropractor... Ah well.

I'll take pictures as soon as things are a bit more settled. Don't want to post pictures of our cardboard decorations.

Stay tuned. ^_^

Our house!

Many people have requested pictures, so here you are.

















The color before was some sort of faded uh... weird kind of green. We picked red 'cause the front room and the kitchen (the windows belong to said rooms) are going to be dark red, black, and white. I'm still not sure if the front room will have exactly the same color scheme as the kitchen (kitchen for sure is red, black, and white) but it will be something similar. The couches we have have a dark red (kinda) couch covers on them. As the house is old and the paint was peeling they had to repaint.

Ahh... just looking at it makes me smile. :)

Good news! Good news!!

Amazingly uplifted right now, I just have to post!

Today we went to our soon to be new ward to meet and visit with people. Get to know them a little before we actually moved. SO glad I did. On our way to go to the church, we drove past our almost house. They had to repaint the shudders and other uh... trims because the paint was pealing and with the oldness of the house, lead paint was an issue. They asked what color we would want (nice enough already) and as we were wanting the front room a dark redish kind of color (as well as the kitchen) we decided to ask for dark red. Not like a maroon. Maroon is more purpley. Anyway, so we drove by the house... it looks AMAZING! I totally love it.

Second good news... I was kind of nervous to walk into the chapel as well, we don't expect a lot of move ins and move outs even though we are in a college town because this ward is surrounded by more houses than apartments. So we would certainly stand out. Anyway, so we were a little late, made our way and soon after I sat down, I caught someone's eye across the chapel. One of my best friends EVER! I was totally shocked to see her there as I hadn't heard that she and her hubby had ever moved. Turns out they did, and they live in the small apartment complex RIGHT NEXT TO OUR NEW HOUSE! I'm like... ecstatic about this! So amazingly awesome!

I can't stop smiling when I think about it again.

The tests have come in... it is proven fact.

Oreos in tummy = brain function.

Simple fact.

Who knows?

So, I know that I want to post, but I'm not sure what to post about.

So.... here's to randomness!

Well, school is going well. I turned in my first short story fiction today and can't work on it until we workshop it. I'm kind of nervous about that, as I have never had people look at my story, gather and take it apart as if there is some sort of underlying theme (if there is, I don't know it... what does that tell you?). I have had friends read what I wrote and give me advice and edits, but as far as taking it apart and all that... I have never had that happen before.

That makes me kind of nervous. But we'll see what happens. Life is going on and things are happening, and I feel like I should be doing more. Oh well. Things happen the way they will happen and I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to grin and bear it.

School and house .... stuff.

Wow... is it just me or is it October? How did that happen??

Well... with it being October, the month of Halloween, mid-terms, my second son's birthday, and the closing date for buying our new house... wow. Crazy.

Anyway, school is going pretty good. I am enjoying most, if not all, of my classes. Which actually surprised me. English 2010 I wasn't so sure about as it is Persuasive Writing... but I am actually enjoying it. Who knew? The only class that I actually find kind of boring sometimes is the one that I was most excited about. Intro to Folklore. Weird.

But yeah, I am doing pretty good in all the classes. There have been a few slip ups, a few assignments that I forgot or whatnot, but in almost all the things I have turned in and done, I have been getting pretty good grades. (and don't worry Mom... the assignment that I forgot about was in a class that will drop the two worst scores.) I actually scraped a 97% score in the only test I have had, which kind of shocked me. All in all, things are moving along great in school.

I have heard that I'm crazy to try to buy a house during school. I'm starting to wonder if it is true. Nevertheless, we are still going through it, and intend to move this month. Things have been... ok... for the most part. There have been ups and downs which I'm sure are common with buying a house. For the most part though, any stress I have had from buying the house was mainly caused by my mind running wild, spiraling downward in negativity. I tend to do that... But things are moving along fine no matter what my mind imagines up. I'll try to post more regularly, but don't count on it. I admit that once school started I totally forgot that I even had a blog. I'll try to not have my mind forget as easily.

Oreos up!

The day before...

So. The day has come for school to start. It is remarkable how things worked out. I was able to get a full Pell grant even though I applied so late. Not to mention that I was able to get into all the classes that I needed to be in. In pretty much everything that I touch regarding school things happen the way they need to. It is remarkable to me to see everything work out so well. One of my classes is apparently so popular that only the seniors who are able to register for classes sooner than everyone else can get into it. And yet I was able to get into it. If things continue to work out well then I can graduate in 4 semesters or so.

The kids are doing great. They spent the week with their grandma so I could go to Marching Band camp. I'm not sore anymore... but it was a pretty tiring week. We are still looking for a house. Rocket Scientist is still trying to get a higher paying job (I think). I'm actually not sure on the status of that.

All in all things are going well. It still seems very odd to me that I am going to school to learn more about writing so I can make money by publishing books. Maybe someday I will get over that. I guess though that mainly it is weird to me because the idea of novelists amaze me. That people are able to write such wonderful and powerful books just from things in their head. Sure I have written a book, but it isn't published... novelists just amaze me.

So yeah. I am really excited though. I'll also be taking an astronomy class that I'm really excited about. Things are happening well. We'll keep you posted on things as they come.

Thanks for reading.

Extra, Extra! Read all about it!

So, though I don't want every post to start, "Sorry I haven't posted in a while..." well... that is truly how I feel. I know I have a lot of readers out there, though why some of you read my blog is beyond me. In any case I do feel sorry and I hope to do better.

All that said, I feel like life has been mighty crazy around here. Plans are changing, life is happening, and where we thought we would be by now is different than what we decided mere months before.

Have any of you felt like that before?

In any case, despite all the craziness I still don't feel like I have much to write about. I'm going back to school to earn a degree in Creative Writing, something much more out of my league (at least as far as I feel) than the music degree I was going for before. My decision to go back to school was a rather sudden one, but it feels right and we, overall, feel sound in this decision. Not to mention that everything with me going back to school has worked perfectly. Most of the classes were closed, but of the four classes that I got on a waiting list for, two of them have opened up (one of which opened while I was writing this post) and I can now register for them, and the other two, I am number 3 and 8 in the waiting lists. Pretty encouraging. I also got a grant which quite shocked me, I'll be honest with you. To give you a bit of an idea of how late I registered, it was a mere month before school would start. Yeah. Pretty amazing if you ask me.

With the prospect of spending around two more years in this charming town we live, we are looking for a house to move into. After over 5 years of renting, I am SO ready to get out of apartments. We found some charming houses that we visited today (one of which had two sleeping men in them that didn't know we were there and WE expected it to be vacant... quite a shock...) Putting offers in hopefully today or tomorrow to a few of them. Some of them we couldn't get for canceling or whatnot. Silly agents not telling the owners that we were coming. Only one out of five houses we didn't walk in on people.

Along with that, Rocket Scientist is trying to get a promotion, or rather just a new, higher paying job at his current place of employment. We'll see how that goes. We hope to move, we hope that Rocket Scientist can get a higher paying job. In fact, one of them that he has applied for he feels like "[he] would be perfectly fine with it as a career instead of just a 'job'." Though he hasn't gotten a bachelor's, if he can land this job, who knows what will happen? He has gotten an associates in Drafting, so I feel like, as long as he is happy with his job, why not settle?

All in all, things are going pretty well. Though plans have changed, I feel more sound with this plan than our previous one. I'm pretty nervous in being an English major. There was once a time when I thought someone would have to be out of their mind to be an English major. Well, maybe I'm out of my mind. Then again, I would have never thought that I would enjoy writing novels like I do. Adding on the fact that I can be a novelist and earn money and all that while being a mom. Any job I can get as a music major would pretty much have to be away from home-type work.

The kids are doing well. Goof Ball has just gotten over chicken pox, we are watching Bug to see if he picks up on them. Goof Ball had had his first immunization for it, but still got it from somewhere. Who knows if Bug will catch it or not? Though he has been immunized, so was Goof Ball.

So yeah. Things are going well, life is moving on, and we are getting over it. ^_^

I'll try to write more often, though like I said, I'm not sure that I have much to tell.

So the Cat says...

...that I need to update my blog.

Here you go, Cat. Hope you are happy.

And in case you are wondering, no we do not own a cat, and probably never will. I'd like to use the excuse that Rocket Scientist is allergic to them, but honestly, I just really hate cats. There you go. The Cat I'm referring to up there *points at top of post* is a friend of mine, and I think she is the only kind of Cat that I would ever like. ~_^

Anyway... that was all random and irrelevant. To the point of this post...

I really do feel kinda bad for not posting earlier. I have been thinking about it for a bit, but whenever I don't know what to do next, blogging never comes to mind. I just kept forgetting. Not that there hasn't been anything to post about, far from it actually. We have had birthday parties, anniversaries, and family reunions. With all that being said, I don't honestly think that I have been so busy that I couldn't find time to post. I just kept forgetting. When it is all said and done, I never thought of blogging.

Last month stared three events. Baby's (who shall now be known as Goofball) first birthday (has it REALLY been that long??), my birthday, and our wedding anniversary. Here's to five wonderful years with my amazing hubby and three adorably cute kids. And let me tell you... having three kids in well... four years has finally caught up with my body. In fact, Rocket Scientist wants me to get more in shape before we have another one... *sigh... time to unpack the Wii Fit and start working on it again.

We had two family reunions this month. Both on the same week. My family always goes up in the mountains and camps for a week, so at the beginning of the week (two weeks ago) we camped with them, then on Wednesday drove to visit Rocket Scientist's family and finish off the week with them. It was a fun filled week with thunderstorms, throw up, and other such things that come from driving two kids under 5 to visit family that live 10 hours away. Well, needless to say I was glad when I got to sleep in my own bed, and be in the comfort of my own home.

And that pretty much sums up the last month. If I'll ever remember to put the pics on my computer, I will post them on here.

As for a general update about the kids...

Bug is getting cuter and smarter every day. It is amazing to see his progress with things like communicating and social skills and all that. I can't actually think of any examples off the top of my head, but it is truly amazing to watch him grow. I can't believe he will be going to school in a year... wow. Crazy.

Goofball's new name is given for a reason. One, he is quickly outgrowing the name of "Baby", but also, he has recently acquired his goofiness. He makes the craziest expressions, and sometimes you can tell that he is being a goofball, he knows he's being a goofball, and he enjoys it. There are even times when he crawls up to me, pulls to standing, looks up at me with an expression that clearly states, "I'm being a goofball, and teasing you just 'cause I can" and he says, "Dada!" Then I look back at him and say, "No, I'm the Mama." His smile gets bigger, and his teasing expression grows, "Dada!"

Yeah, that is part of his goofiness. Hence his new name of Goofball.

As for me, I have some amazingly wonderful news that I didn't even think of posting on here. I posted them on fb, but forgot to do so here. Prepare yourself to be amazed!

One, I am being published. It isn't anything that will make me money, just a short story within a magazine, but when I was notified that they would use my story that I sent them, my joy overflowed. I was so amazed and shocked and just darn right happy. So happy in fact, that I couldn't tell Rocket Scientist what was going on for probably a full five minutes. Check out the magazine: Seeing the Everyday Make a subscription. Read my story. The issue I am in is issue 10, and the story is Hiking with Dad. ^_^

Also... more big news... I finished writing my book! WOO! That was an amazing accomplishment. There will more than likely be editing still happening nothing though that will really change the plot, mainly grammatical errors, so suffice it to say that it is finished, and I was totally excited about that. It is certainly not a stand alone book, and needs more stories or books behind it, but I was way happy when I finished that. No idea if it will even be published, but at least I finished it.

And that shall be it for now. Need to get ready for the day.

Thanks for reading. ^_^

Lost, lost, lost.

"Lost what?"
"I've lost my marbles."

Name that movie!!

Ok... so I really do feel lost though. Today I have been wandering around, trying to keep myself away from the computer and focused on other things, but nothing seems to draw me to it. Knitting, cross-stitching, writing... even playing computer games has lost it's pull. I have no motivation to do anything yet I know I should be doing something. I'm aimlessly finding some other useless thing to do on the computer, but have no motivation to do so, or even enjoy it really. Playing with kids, all my usual hobbies... nothing can keep my interest.

Does anyone else feel like this sometimes, or have I really lost my marbles??

Metaphor

"Show vs. tell"

If you are a writer you know what that means. How boring would it be to read a story (story, not educational/self help books...) where there is no dialogue, no real character development, always rehashing what has been instead of living in the book with the characters?

Just imagine it...

*falls asleep*

Next metaphor:

Take the song "More Than Words" by Extreme. If you don't know it, you should google it. Good song. Anyway... the jist of the song is saying, don't tell me that you love me, show me. Sure, tell me also. But if your actions don't jive with your words, there is something wrong. What the singer is saying is, "if you constantly show me that you love me, you wouldn't really need to say 'I love you' because I'd already know." I would change that to "already feel".

Sometimes we struggle with this. I know Rocket Scientist loves me. Truly I do. He wouldn't put up with the crap I feel like I'm constantly giving him (self hate time...) if he didn't love me. Maybe that in and of itself is showing me that he loves me. But I need something more concrete. Read a book about love languages? If not, look it up. Mine is gifts. I feel slightly shallow saying that, but it is true. One can show me that they love me more than words can say by giving me something that I always wanted. Note, I say 'wanted' not necessarily 'needed'.

I have always had a hard time trying to explain all this to Rocket Scientist. Don't get me wrong. I love him dearly, and know that he loves me. Though it is hard to know when my feelings may be conflicting. Again, don't get me wrong, Rocket Scientist treats me well. He really does. Frequently though, I feel and wonder if everything I do escapes his notice. That may be so, he is constantly distracted. Due, I believe, to ADD. Nevertheless, I am almost constantly lacking in feeling like I did something of worth.

Next metaphor:

In the scriptures, the Lord and Jesus are frequently calling people hypocrites. What's that saying? "Their words are turned to me, but their hearts are far from me"? Something like that. You can say you love God, but do you really if you aren't studying his every word? Think of a young child sitting at his parents feet, hanging off of every word they say. Following them to the best of their ability. To a little child, their parents word is like doctrine. Heck, I believed for the longest time that salt made things cool down all because my mom said, "Put salt on it" to the complaint, "My spaghetti is too hot."

You can say you love God, but if you aren't doing everything in your power to return to him, and follow his every word... do you really? You are saying, but you aren't showing.

This post isn't made for a hammering on you sort of session. Or really a hammering on me. Or a hammering on... well, anyone. It was just a revelation I had yesterday. After another hard day of being sick and trying to be a mom of two kids who love me so much they tend to fight over me, I felt like I was being accused of being a bad mom/wife when I let Baby scream for minutes on end. I had had enough of the kids and needed to rest to attempt to get better, and someone else could have taken care of Baby. I'm not trying to point fingers. Honestly. But in my emotionally drained state, an innocent comment made me feel like I'm the worst ever.

Back on track... it was a hard day yesterday, and feeling worthless and that everything I do is meaningless, I tried once again to find a way to explain to Rocket Scientist what I need from him. Then this metaphor came to mind. The last one about God. I know how it feels to need someone to show me their love more than tell me. God knows it probably better than anyone. There is only one person who had ever and will ever live on this earth who fulfilled God's every word and followed him when He had no one else. Everyone else has had their bout of hypocrisy every once in a while. That's a lot of people.

Humbling thought isn't it? I am feeling rather ashamed now myself.

Here's to repentance and trying to do better!

*raises glass of milk, Oreos in hand*

Job Search

All my nerves are with Rocket Scientist today. With us planning on moving, he is now currently out looking for a job. I wish him well.

Aaaaaand..... that is about all I can post about now...

*taps desk nervously...

Reminisce with me

Hearing Bug sing "Twinkle twinkle little star" just barely reminded me of how he used to sing it. I'll post it on here just for the fun of it. :)

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.

(repeat last four lines many, many, MANY times)

It brought a smile to your face, right? Come on, admit it. :)

Weekend

Visiting family this weekend. Thoroughly enjoying ourselves. We looked at houses, and fell in love with the first one we saw. Trying to deal with all the issues that causes... making an offer, job finding, all that good stuff.

Bug has been feeling rotten this weekend. He has a pretty rotten cough and a sore throat to boot. I'm worried about strep, but we will be going to the doctor tomorrow if it still continues. We've been giving him disolvable cough strips the past few days. He stayed home from church today and I stayed with him. When he feels rotten he has an even more intense mommy complex than he already has. What can I say? I breed "momma's boys".

Heading back home tonight after eating with the fam. Hoping of not spreading Bug's cough, but how can you tell a four year old that he can't play with the cousins that he hardly ever sees?

Anyway, we are still alive, life is good, and we are still kickin'. Hoping to get that house we saw, getting a job, not spreading sickness, and that Bug will get well soon. Wish us luck. :)

How could I?

How could I have forgotten you so long?
And now I'm singing this same, sad song.
Please forgive me of my wrong.

How could I turn my back on a friend,
Even though your loving spirit you always send,
And you'll be with me 'til the end.

Oh Lord I know you're with me every single day,
But sometimes it seems so easy to forget.
So I hope that you'll have mercy and accept my humble prayer,
Please don't give up on me yet.

How could I forget that you over all,
As I stumble, as I fall, please help me to stand tall.

Oh Lord I know you're with me every single day,
But sometimes it seems so easy to forget.
So I hope that you'll have mercy and accept my humble prayer,
Please don't give up on me yet.

How could I be so blind as not to see,
All the blessings that you've given me?

Oh Lord I know you're with me every single day,
But sometimes it seems so easy to forget.
So I hope that you'll have mercy and accept my humble prayer,
Please don't give up on me yet.

This song is written and sung by Ryan Shupe. Though that is true, frequently this song reflects my situation as I'm sure it does with many people.

I just thought I'd post another post letting you all know that I'm surviving.

Thanks for everything.

Today

I know I have a bunch of worried readers out there, mainly consisting of my family. I will get to that later. But first... good news!!

Today I picked up all the toys (the fact that they are littering the floor currently is irrelevant), gloves, bottles, and dirty clothes from the front room; swept the kitchen floor; washed dishes and put them in the dishwasher; wiped off the table and counters and stove top; soaked coil things and drip pans (they are still in the sink waiting for me to get to them); and also edited two chapters of my story. All before 2!!

It feels like all my muscles are sore and my back aches. Not the usual sharp pain causing me to fall over, but just the normal "I used it too long and too hard" kind of soreness. Laundry needs to be done, but for the most part, I feel like I deserve the rice crispy treats that I am currently craving.

Now for my promised "getting to the tough topic" update.

I feel like it is good news, but you may take from it what you will.

Though I am having a hard time trusting, I still know and have a firm belief in God. Don't get me wrong here. I know that if anyone in this blasted world will get me through the hard times, He will. I still haven't forgotten the amazing months after my son died. Yes, I said amazing. I got through them only through the power of God. I was in many prayers, many thoughts and I was being prayed for in many temples. I'm not saying that I am not now, but I know that I got through those months because of the faith of others, and the faith of my own.

I have always had a very positive outlook concerning death. I think I have been blessed with a greater knowledge in regards to the plan of salvation. Death never had made me sad, on the contrary, I was almost jealous of anyone who had died. That was before my son died. And yes, I am sad. But I am sad for me, not for him. I'm so selfish and spoiled that I am sad and sometimes angered that my son isn't with me now. But I know that he is well cared for and he is blessing lives in the second life.

I also know that I must live righteously to be able to live with him and raise him again. I feel I am doing my best. My trust has been hampered, but I still know where I need to go to gain peace. I have had such spiritual moments where I felt like I was just a sliver away from seeing angelic beings. I never really had, though if I had, it was when I was very very young.

That isn't the matter at hand right now though. Suffice it to say that I am just having a faith re-establishing time in my life. I'm working on it. I'm trying to find time to read scriptures and gain the courage to pray again. I also believe that every time I try and take another step back to the path, Satan hits harder again. I'm trying to find in me what everyone sees when they say "you are so strong". As of now, I feel like I can't beat Satan, and though I know I can with the Lord's help, I need to find more courage and strength in myself to deal with the times when I can't feel the Lord's help as easily.

I'm trying. I'm trying to not distract myself with worldy things. I'm trying to arm myself again so I can withstand the difficult times. I am trying. Do not despair or think that I am finally beaten. Far from it. I am rallying my forces again. Satan can't take me down that easily.

Sundays are just.... hard.

I'm struggling.

I know you all know that.

I try to not post about it a lot, because I know it is depressing to read. Heck, it is depressing to feel.

There were two days almost in a row (and maybe they really were, but I can't really remember) where I felt scared. I was alone, with my two boys, and I felt horribly, sickeningly, terrified.

The first of these two days I prayed for help. I knew I couldn't survive on my own and would almost collapse with fear had I not had some sort of help. It was granted almost instantly. Peace filled my heart and soul, and I was content.

The second wasn't quite as wonderful. Well, to say it bluntly, it stunk. I know in whom I trust and who I should go to when times are hard. I did so again on this second of days when I was terrified. I prayed for help and peace. Nothing came. I prayed again. And again. And again.

My heart was screaming for release while my tummy felt like it was going to roll over and come out my throat. Nothing came.

Satan has been working on me good. I'm not going to say that this was the start of my problems. More like this is the peak of my problems. I'm struggling with faith. I'm struggling with trust. How can I believe in "every once in a while"? I feel like I'm not important enough to Him to get help when I need it.

Why would He help me one day when the next day I need help, I'm ignored?

I don't know if I am wanting answers from you. Or really what I need. (Though I do know what I do NOT need. If you have something hateful to say, keep it to yourself. I have enough crap in my life and if you want to crap on someone, crap on yourself.)

I just thought, that if you are reading this, and dealing with the crap that I'm posting, you may as well should have some sort of explanation.

Sundays are hard.

I have to go to church and be a "good Mormon girl" so as not to arise suspicion and make people ask questions. So I sit in the classes and pretend like I'm invisible waiting for the one person to see though my invisibility, yet avoiding those that I already know are that observant.

I may or may have not said this before, but it is like I'm testing everyone around me, seeing just how important I am to others. And even though one has passed the first test, that doesn't mean that they are through. I test them over, and over, and over again. Like teasing rats in a maze with cheese.

I may be cruel. Call me that if you will. One good friend who will stay by my side no matter what happens is better than hundreds, no thousands, of people who will leave me at the slightest start of a problem. So I test you on my terms. Expecting you to leave. That way it doesn't hurt as much.

I know how to survive. Isolation is better than being surrounded by a bunch of nameless faces.

Isn't it?

Refresh

So, having read through old posts, I forgot that I didn't update you on things that I told you I would. (will connect links to refer back to said posts.)

So, my first EVER plane ride!

I talked a little bit in one of my last posts about my vacation to visit family. But I failed to say anything about the plane ride. Let me tell you. It. Was. AMAZING!!! After we landed I turned to my mom (like I had done many times on Rattlesnake Rapids) and said, "Can we do that again?" Or even better, "How about we just sit here on the plane and wait for the next ride."

The clouds were beautiful. It was the perfect day to fly. When we took off, we flew right through and past partly cloudy cumulus clouds. You know. The ones where you look up at them and think, "That looks like a rabbit." Those are the clouds that I have ALWAYS wanted to see up close, and I finally got the chance. It was seriously amazing.

Every time I felt a little movement change in my gut, I would peek out the window to look at the wing. Likely I had looked out the window for half the ride (of a 2 hour plane ride). Thankfully we were on a smallish jet (to and back), and I was always next to the window, my wonderful parents switching with me when necessary.

Oh, how glorious it was. I think my heart belongs in the sky. :) Had Rocket Scientist been there he probably would have chuckled every time I would peek out the window again. His dad was in the Air Force, and his first plane ride was when he was 1 week old. Funnily though, while I had envied his life, he has envied mine. He had never had a place to call "home" like I had.

Funny how that works huh?

Also in that same post, I had contemplated posting poems that I had written, and then I decided against it. I'm sorry if you were looking forward to them. Writing a story as I am, I am presumptuous enough to think that the things I write may be good enough to publish someday. Maybe I'm just reaching for a star, but I think it would be cool to have my name on shelves. Even if I do just make a handle. It would still be cool. Suffice it to say that the poems I wrote seemed good enough to me that they may be good for something someday.

It was also a good enough thing to write about.

Another thing I thought of after I posted the last post is that I had decided something.

I may not be worthy enough to pray, or good enough, or important enough to listen to, but I do know that I want to be with God again. What I have wished and longed for more than anything in my life is to be hugged. Just a simple hug from Jesus. When I was a child in primary I always wished for the second coming to come when I was still a little girl for the chance to go up to him and be blessed. Now here I am with kids of my own.

I know I need him and want to be with him. So though I may be banished or ignored, I will do what I know I need to to return. My efforts may be fruitless, but at least I am doing what I have been told will get me what I need most.

And that will have to do for now.

Comment with aspects of my life or other things that I may have said I would update you on or anything like that so I can be reminded. I will try my best to please. :)

Thanks for reading.

Random varients

Visiting family. Planning on fun times with friends tomorrow. Talked to a mortgage person today and was surprised to find that we might be able to afford a home higher than we had been thinking.

Overall good news.

More good news:

I cleaned the master!!! It is hardly ever clean seeing as it is the catchall room when we have friends over. Rocket Scientist walked in and said, "Did we get a new room?" He was quite impressed. I was too. :) It is kind of hard to organizedly pack things when the whole place is a mess. :P

I don't think I have much else to talk about, but life is good and we are surviving.

And like I realized today, the world won't end in 2012, because Marty McFly visited 2015. We will even have boots that suck onto our feet so we don't have to tie them. Look forward to that. :) But I think I'll be more excited about the tiny pizzas that cook within seconds. :)

Homes

As stated in my last post we have been toying with the idea of buying a mobile home. That in mind I want to complain about one point regarding mobile homes:

Trailer Park Fees.

They are about as pricey as our first apartment. Sure, we are renting the land to live on, but really. Should doing that be the same amount of money as it costs to rent an apartment? That is just crazy! Not only would we have mortgage fees, but the park fees which are the same price as rent for an apartment. Now, I would rather live in our own place to avoid any disturbing of neighbors with our moderately quiet TV, but still, the same price? Seriously? Can't we, as buyers do something about this?

It is the same kind of scam with condos. Why buy a condo, which is around the same price as a house, and live in an apartment type setting? Why are condos all that popular? If you are gonna spend that much money buying a place to live, why not spend it on an actual house?

Am I the only one who sees a problem with this?

Life

Life is funny sometimes, you know?

A month goes by and I realize that I had neglected my blog, not to mention my readers. I do apologize.

So here we are. Our one year lease for our apartment has come to an end and we feel the need to move on, so a majority of my time is dealing with all aspects of moving and as for Rocket Scientist, he is trying to find a job elsewhere. Wish us luck.

As for the kids, they are doing well. I can't believe that Baby is becoming less and less like a baby. He will be one in only one month. CRAZY! Bug is already four (I missed posting on that... sorry once again) and he is having issues sharing pretty much any toy with Baby. Not to mention that Bug is extremely particular, and if Baby plays with anything or messes up anything Bug has a fit. He is really into doing "drama queen" type fits. So much so that he claims that he can't use his legs anymore and he has to have someone carry him. It is quite vexing to me seeing as my back is usually hurting and I have a hard time carrying such a heavy boy.

Quick summary of what has happened the past month and what we all have been up to:

Rocket Scientist has been working hard as always. Right now he isn't only working hard at his current job, but also looking into a better future for us. With a new job, a new place to live, and a new career. It is very possible for us to join the Air Force, but for now going back to school is the first step. And finding something to support us while he goes to school. I may soon be bring in some income and we are looking for different ways for me to do that as well while still staying at home with the kids.

On that score, we'll move onto my life. I have recently decided that though I love the people I was working with in Mary Kay, the products, and what Mary Kay has to offer people I just cannot do this sort of job. So. I am going to be selling the product back to the company and starting a fresh with something else that will hopefully bring in income. I am not going to counseling anymore because there really wasn't much more for us to talk about. The last few sessions dealt with coping strategies and I just have to put them to use. Currently I'm fuming because of our upstairs neighbors who pound on the floor when the TV is hardly loud. It seems like she wants us all to use headphones at all times because seriously. I can't hear the TV outside of my door let alone in the farthest place in our apartment from it. So I'm fuming and know I should use something to calm me down, but I am currently enjoying being mad at her. I can't wait until we are in our own place!

Besides being a mom, I have been looking into places that we can live. There are some pretty nice mobile homes that we are interested in, and since we have never bought a home before, we are learning more about the many different aspects and things that we need to do before it actually happens. Sometimes I wonder if just renting an apartment again would be easier (it would), but then I hear the upstairs neighbors pounding on the floor once again and think, "I will do ANYTHING to not have to live with that again!"

I also have been working pretty consistently on my story, and enjoying almost every moment of it. It is kind of hard to enjoy when I am in a writers block, but nevertheless, I'm still quite surprised at how much better the writing has been this time around. I'm interested to see how it ends up. My muse is mean and doesn't let me think or brainstorm about it unless I'm writing on the computer. :) A few days ago though I realized that if we were planning on moving out this month (we are) we should probably pack our stuff. So I'm trying to put my story on hold. At least when the sun is shining.

Bug, like I mentioned before, is now four. I am kinda freaking out about the fact that he will be going to school next year. CRAZY! He is learning more and more, and I am quite shocked about how much he knows. We have been teaching him simple math and the like, and he knows how to spell a few words. While I was packing up books the other day and writing "Books" on every side of every box, he asked what the word said. From that point on he could read 'book'. With my writing streaks that occur, he seems to want me more and more, and I try my best to split time up between writing or playing on my computer to playing with him and doing chores.

Baby is crawling around like crazy and gets faster and faster everyday. He also is pulling himself up to his knees, and is currently experimenting with his feet. One of these days I'll walk in to get him out of his crib and he'll be standing. I'm kind of dreading that day. :)

Overall, life is good. I have learned a lot about myself while living in this apartment, and through counseling and such. There are some people in this ward that I will miss, but like I said above, we feel it is time to move on.

And that, my friends, is your general update from your favorite blog writer. ;)

Look to more later. I'll try harder to post more, but seeing as we are packing and stuff, please be understanding.

Bug/Good news

Bug has been adorably cute the past few days... to look at a few things he has said, check the Wise Sayings side bar. Even better than that though, I have been able to smile and see the humor in life. Look forward to more good quotes from Bug.

Enjoy. Don't forget to munch on Oreos.

Good news

First off... Bug is wandering around the house pretending that twenty dollars keep appearing out of our shirt pockets (which are also non-existent). Check out the side bar for a quote from it. In actuality he saw bills sitting on my desk to encourage that wise saying.

On to the good news. I realized the other day that I stopped doing my Good News minutes. I don't think this is a reenactment of it, but just something to post about.

Lately I have really been struggling with trust. Especially dealing with God. It is hard for me to trust anyone really. Especially when that trust has been let down even once. (hmm... maybe that is why I don't trust myself... random thought...) A couple nights ago, I prayed again. It was the first time in a long time. Who knows what will happen from that.

Last night I was very scared. All the lights were out. I felt alone and vulnerable. At one point I felt safe enough to silently cry for help like I have done many times when this happens. I can't really remember if I had any comfort come at that point in time, but I remember realizing that I may be feeling especially scared at that moment because Satan knew I prayed the night before, and he wanted me to be scared enough that I would just lay down in bed and huddle in waiting for sleep to come like I have done many times before.

I guess that thought gave me the courage I needed. I grabbed my two stuffed animals that give me comfort (one I have had since I was a child, the other Rocket Scientist gave me), knelt down and prayed. It was a simple prayer. Nothing too special. Mainly just saying that I was scared and needed help.

I'm not posting this to brag about anything or show off how spiritual I am. In my prayer I actually said, "though I feel unworthy for your consideration". It is true. I truly feel that. I know that I am a child of God and that He loves me. Knowing ≠ feeling.

Nevertheless, I felt comfort and peace in my heart. I got up and went to bed with thanksgiving replacing my fear.

And that. Is good news.

Take that Satan.

Humpty Dumpty

I feel like Humpty Dumpty. But instead of falling off just once, I'm falling off again, and again, and again, and again. Soon I'll just be a pile of rubble.

Not to mention that I can't ever seem to be put back together again.

Oreos Anyone?

So. I have had a long week of relaxation and contemplation.

To begin my posts from the past week, I have changed the blog a little. The comic strip (which describes me to a tee) above was made by a friend of mine and his friends (I believe). I read it and KNEW it had to be in my blog. So there you have it. I asked my friend if I could and he said sure as long as I linked their site to mine. So... check out the side bar for that.

Anyway. I will be posting some thoughts and poems and things that have happened in the past month or so. Most of the healing/deeper thoughts that I have had occurred this week while I was away from kids and hubby. It was a lot easier to think that way.

Also, another random update as far as my projects that I'm working on is concerned... I have been knitting a sweater for myself and have finished the front and the back. I also recently started to knit a dress for a friend of mine who is due with a little girl next month.

The kids missed me. I think. Or at least Bug said he did. I think my little vacation was the perfect length. Right when we started to miss each other is when my vacation ended. It was cute and yet a little heart wrenching to hear Bug say:

"Mom. I missed you. It made me sad."

"Mom. I want to go home, with Baby, and with Mom and with Daddy. All go home."

So cute. The kids spent the time with grandparents, so they were thoroughly spoiled. Yet I believe they missed me after a while.

That is that. Keep posted for a few more posts on my progress.

To my readers:

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to all my readers who have been worried about me to the point of stress or anxiety. I didn't really realize how disturbing or maybe even suicidal my posts have been until a friend actually pointed it out to me.

I am not going to commit suicide. No it isn't my kids, friends, family, or even my husband that keeps me here. It is the thought and belief in the gospel. The knowledge that my life would be that much worse in the next life than it is now.

And though it isn't much, that is what is holding me here. The desire, no, the need to be accepted in the Lord's sight.

Acceptance is my survival. Without it... I think I may just break. And I need to be accepted again, and again, and again. So I keep trying people. Testing them if they will stick with me 'til the end. So I'm sorry to my readers. And yet I thank you. If you have made it this far, then I realize that I can trust you to stay with me. Even though I may not know who you are, just knowing that there is someone out there listening to my ramblings, thinking about me, maybe even praying for me... is a great help.

I may not feel your prayers or your thoughts. Not in the numb/comatose state that I'm in. But please don't give up on me. Rejection is something I fear the most. And though I know my existence shouldn't depend on my acceptance of others... Knowing ≠ Feeling.

I'm sorry for all of this. Sometimes I wonder if you have the more difficult task, keeping with me though you probably don't see the result of your efforts for a very long time.

And I thank you. Thank you for sticking with me. I'm in for a rough bit of time still I think. But thank you for sticking with me this long.

Before I forget

Conversation after dinner between mother and son.

"Where did all your food go?"

Son points into a wide open mouth and says, "I swallow, and it goes all over and down and down and down," moving his hand down his body to demonstrate, "and then out the bum when I go potty."

At this point in time, my eyes are wide open, with his detailed explanation. No, as far as I know, no one told him that the food he eats turns into pee and poop. I can only assume that he figured it out all by himself. Which shocks me.

I have a smart kiddo.

I'm still here

I'm still alive.

I'm sorry I'm posting only negative these days... I'll have a positive thought at the end of this post. Promise.

I started group again to help me heal from the abuse. And when you clean out a closet, dust arises.

Here's my dust:

I finally found out why I hate myself. I have the incorrect mind set of "bad things happened to me, so I must be bad." And yes. My mind tells me that it IS incorrect. That doesn't make the feeling go away.

So what do I do now? I have no idea. My counselor tells me that I need to battle with the negative thoughts. But how do I do that? It can't be as easy as just deciding that what I have believed my whole life was a lie.

Nevertheless. I'm still here. I'm still kickin'. I'm still fighting.

Last night I didn't really pray. At least not kneeling down. But as I crawled into my bed I sent a last thought up to God. "Please. If you have any scrap of sympathy for me, let me have a good night's rest." Baby slept from 9-8. Approx. Without any milk or formula in his belly. We have been having him on formula at night to help him sleep better. Yet we didn't have anymore last night. Not only that, but Baby woke up cooing and talking instead of screaming. I guess that means that I'm still important enough to God for a little miracle. I still didn't want to get out of bed this morning.

On other good notes:

I called some people about Mary Kay yesterday that I didn't know. They were referrals from one of my customers. And I had a good success with them. I was way excited. I have two parties booked with people that I don't know. Dismiss the fact that I'll probably be practically shaking with fear when I go meet them for the party, but that is not for a bit longer.

Also. Many of you may know that I'm writing a story. I think that I have decided to publish it as a novel instead of my original idea as a manga (Japanese comic book). Not only that, but one of my friends has been planning on starting up a publishing company for a while. He has been reading my story and offered to have my story be his launch title. The whole aspect of that makes me feel like I am going to puke, but it is still exciting me enough to think kind of seriously about it. Though that may be because if I'm working on my story I'm living in a world free of the pain of my life, and that is a very appealing prospect for me. Whatever the reason, I think it very well might happen.

So yeah. Good things happening. The bad things seem almost too overwhelming, but at least there are angels in there with the devils.

Emotional Coma

I've realized something recently. I've been in an emotional coma. I have been running like there was a fire on my bum from anything that would cause me to feel anything. My MK business, my family, even the Lord.

This weekend I have awoken. And I have been amazed at the wonderful feelings that I have been missing out on.

I awoke today with a new fire in my chest. I am going to work my bum off this week to finish my goals for this month. And somehow... somewhere... I found the belief that I can do it.

It will be one heck of a week. But I know that I can accomplish it. And I don't care how many women I have to contact to accomplish it.

Wish me luck.

Balloons

Once upon a time, there was a woman who was looking for more in her life. She didn't know where to look. She didn't even know exactly what it was she was looking for. She had already become what she had told everyone what she was going to be when she grew up. A mother. Yet she still felt that she was missing something. She felt like there was something more that she needed out of life. She felt that there was still something out there for her. But she still didn't know where to find it.

Then she met someone who gave her a dream. Someone who believed that she could accomplish anything she wanted. That she could live a fuller life.

She believed that someone. She accepted the dream and ran with it for a few steps. She then realized that she'd have to change to reach her dream. That thought terrified her. She dropped her dream.

A year went by. The girl realized that she was less content than she was before she had been offered the dream. She liked the idea of the dream. She knew the values of the dream were sound.

She decided to try again.

She hesitantly picked up the dream again after watching many women run past her with the dream in hand. Knowing full well that she'd have to change.

She slowly took a few steps. She then realized that she was holding onto something else. She looked up to see a balloon floating over her. She didn't know when she had grabbed it. But she suddenly realized that she was terrified of letting the balloon go.

She tried to function just fine while still holding the balloon, yet the simplest tasks became a trial. Dressing became a sudden hardship. Having to transfer that weightless balloon from hand to hand tired her.

She sometimes wished she could just let go of it. But the feeling that it was her life line would keep jumping back to her mind.

She knew what she needed to do to let go of the balloon. It was a simple matter of uncurling her fingers. She also knew that she couldn't live much longer with the simple balloon driving her crazy, and weighing her down. It caused stress in every aspect of her life.




I am going to start letting go of my balloon. One finger at a time. I don't know what my life will be like. I don't know how long it will take me. But I am going to do it.

Favorite?

Getting snot wiped on my clothes is my favorite. Thank you, Baby for being so considerate.

Improvement? Maybe.

Well, another week has gone by. And we are all still alive and well.

Well enough.

I think I have mentioned that I am determined to change. If only for my hubby. Well, here is a list of possible improvements. Despite how uncomfortable I am sometimes with the assignments my counselor gives, I feel like I have tried my best.

• I'm feeling a little more comfortable at church. Not completely comfortable... just more.
• I'm more comfortable around my hubby. What I would do without such a wonderful and patient husband.... that is for a different post though.
• I'm dedicated to work harder. At least on my business.
• My apartment isn't in shambles. Just parts of it is.
• I'm trying to find ways to have fun with kids. Instead of avoiding them.

Next on my list of assignments from my counselor... think about self-love vs. self-loathing...

*shudders*

And how to change from the loathing to the loving.......

*runs and hides under bed*

Numb

The pain is too much. There is a hole in my chest that aches. I don't know where it came from. I'm striving for numbness but the pain just keeps coming. I don't know what to do.

Numb is easy. Simple.

I just want to stay in one spot surrounded by my numb little bubble.

Life is harder.

Um... yeah.

I dislike myself. That may be a little too soft of a word though... and I know I have mentioned this before in my blog.

This post may be a little random.

I was reading a book once. I never finished it. It was about being successful. Mainly dealing with business. It seems to be an interesting read, and I'm wanting to pick it up again soon. There was a part in there (though I doubt I remember all the details regarding this story) where it uses a metaphor to describe successfulness. We'll call it the parable of success. I guess. There was a man who was hanging off of a cliff. And he was shouting and shouting for someone to help. "Is there anyone up there who can help me?" Then after a while he heard a voice saying. "Yes, I can help you. I am God. All you have to do is let go and trust me." Then there was silence. Then the man said, "Is there anyone ELSE up there who can help me?"

Basically the motto that the author uses with this story is that to be successful, you need to be able to let go of some thought processes or other things that you are clinging on to.

I was thinking about that last night. I'm wondering if I'm that man right now. Hating myself when I try to be assertive instead of passive (if you know me, I mean REALLY know me, you know that I'm extremely passive. I mean... REALLY passive.) Or hating myself whenever I... do anything it seems. Whenever I ask for my hubbys help with something, I think that it was a selfish thought and I could have done it myself. I never know when I'm being assertive or selfish, so I hate myself whenever I ask for his help. I try to find friends that will compliment me because I hate myself, then hate myself even more because I do that. It seems like it is a never ending process and I don't know what to do about it.

So maybe I'm hanging off a cliff, hanging onto that hate because it is all I know, yelling for someone to help me. And maybe God has responded by saying, "I'm here. I can help you. All you have to do is let go and trust me." I have been wondering since last night if that is all I need to do. Do I really NEED to find the source of that hate? CAN I just let go of it?

Change is hard. Change is scary. Almost terrifying. Can I deal with it? Do I really have to just let go? Do I not really have to find the source like I thought I did?

I don't know how to do it. I'm trying. I really am. I have already decided that I need and want to change. That doesn't make it any easier though. And it doesn't just provide the answer that I'm trying to find.

I'm not even important enough to myself to want to change. I have decided that I'm changing for the benefit of others. I can't live with this anymore. I can't live with hurting my honey because of my issues, and then hating myself because I hurt him again. He is my motivation. I'm not important enough to myself.

But he is.

2010

I've always said that I'm not much of a goal making person. I never really felt that I was. I feel enough of a failure as it is, why add onto that stress? Why give myself more reason to hate myself and feel even more like a failure?

My wonderful MK directors are always talking about how if you don't set and make goals a part of your life, you will never go anywhere. In a business or even in life in general. I can understand that. Which is maybe why I feel like most of my life has been a failure.

I guess I'm still undecided...

Here are some pictures of our first day of 2010. I decided that what I wanted most this day was family time. Thankfully the weather co-operated with that thought. It was prefect snowman making snow. Enjoy.

Rolling the middle.




















Putting the middle on.




















Mom and Baby. Yes he's in my coat. I figured he'd be warm enough that way.




















Not a good one of making it, but I liked Bug's face on here.




















Sturdifying it.




















Starting up the head.




















Rolling the head.




















Sturdifying it.




















The finished project.




















Bug's first snow angel (if you can see it...)