Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Lost, lost, lost.

"Lost what?"
"I've lost my marbles."

Name that movie!!

Ok... so I really do feel lost though. Today I have been wandering around, trying to keep myself away from the computer and focused on other things, but nothing seems to draw me to it. Knitting, cross-stitching, writing... even playing computer games has lost it's pull. I have no motivation to do anything yet I know I should be doing something. I'm aimlessly finding some other useless thing to do on the computer, but have no motivation to do so, or even enjoy it really. Playing with kids, all my usual hobbies... nothing can keep my interest.

Does anyone else feel like this sometimes, or have I really lost my marbles??

Friday, June 4, 2010


"Show vs. tell"

If you are a writer you know what that means. How boring would it be to read a story (story, not educational/self help books...) where there is no dialogue, no real character development, always rehashing what has been instead of living in the book with the characters?

Just imagine it...

*falls asleep*

Next metaphor:

Take the song "More Than Words" by Extreme. If you don't know it, you should google it. Good song. Anyway... the jist of the song is saying, don't tell me that you love me, show me. Sure, tell me also. But if your actions don't jive with your words, there is something wrong. What the singer is saying is, "if you constantly show me that you love me, you wouldn't really need to say 'I love you' because I'd already know." I would change that to "already feel".

Sometimes we struggle with this. I know Rocket Scientist loves me. Truly I do. He wouldn't put up with the crap I feel like I'm constantly giving him (self hate time...) if he didn't love me. Maybe that in and of itself is showing me that he loves me. But I need something more concrete. Read a book about love languages? If not, look it up. Mine is gifts. I feel slightly shallow saying that, but it is true. One can show me that they love me more than words can say by giving me something that I always wanted. Note, I say 'wanted' not necessarily 'needed'.

I have always had a hard time trying to explain all this to Rocket Scientist. Don't get me wrong. I love him dearly, and know that he loves me. Though it is hard to know when my feelings may be conflicting. Again, don't get me wrong, Rocket Scientist treats me well. He really does. Frequently though, I feel and wonder if everything I do escapes his notice. That may be so, he is constantly distracted. Due, I believe, to ADD. Nevertheless, I am almost constantly lacking in feeling like I did something of worth.

Next metaphor:

In the scriptures, the Lord and Jesus are frequently calling people hypocrites. What's that saying? "Their words are turned to me, but their hearts are far from me"? Something like that. You can say you love God, but do you really if you aren't studying his every word? Think of a young child sitting at his parents feet, hanging off of every word they say. Following them to the best of their ability. To a little child, their parents word is like doctrine. Heck, I believed for the longest time that salt made things cool down all because my mom said, "Put salt on it" to the complaint, "My spaghetti is too hot."

You can say you love God, but if you aren't doing everything in your power to return to him, and follow his every word... do you really? You are saying, but you aren't showing.

This post isn't made for a hammering on you sort of session. Or really a hammering on me. Or a hammering on... well, anyone. It was just a revelation I had yesterday. After another hard day of being sick and trying to be a mom of two kids who love me so much they tend to fight over me, I felt like I was being accused of being a bad mom/wife when I let Baby scream for minutes on end. I had had enough of the kids and needed to rest to attempt to get better, and someone else could have taken care of Baby. I'm not trying to point fingers. Honestly. But in my emotionally drained state, an innocent comment made me feel like I'm the worst ever.

Back on track... it was a hard day yesterday, and feeling worthless and that everything I do is meaningless, I tried once again to find a way to explain to Rocket Scientist what I need from him. Then this metaphor came to mind. The last one about God. I know how it feels to need someone to show me their love more than tell me. God knows it probably better than anyone. There is only one person who had ever and will ever live on this earth who fulfilled God's every word and followed him when He had no one else. Everyone else has had their bout of hypocrisy every once in a while. That's a lot of people.

Humbling thought isn't it? I am feeling rather ashamed now myself.

Here's to repentance and trying to do better!

*raises glass of milk, Oreos in hand*

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Job Search

All my nerves are with Rocket Scientist today. With us planning on moving, he is now currently out looking for a job. I wish him well.

Aaaaaand..... that is about all I can post about now...

*taps desk nervously...