Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Friday, April 25, 2008

He loves me, he loves me not

This morning has been full of tantrums, screams, and tears. Oh, and hits... I'm beginning to wonder if Bug really does love me or not... Is it time to for me to break out the daisys and play the game that every little girl does?

Thursday, April 24, 2008


So, I feel like I'm being pulled like 100 different directions. There are so many things that I want to do, or need to do. I want to read the scriptures more often. I'm in the middle of like 5 different really good books. And there is more on the list of good books that I want to read. Bug needs tender loving care, and I'm not sure if he is dealing with trauma, or if I'm just spoiling him. There are dishes to be done, laundry to fold and dry, piles to organize and picked up. I want to help those around me with what they are dealing with. And even those that aren't around me, but I know them, and still want to help them. Family included in that list. Is it getting piled up yet? Oh, and then there are the things that I just want to do. My cross-stitch, fun book reading, doing CTMH parties, and a hundred other things. My high school band teacher is doing a concert where the alumni are invited to come and play. Getting my chops ready for that is also included. Are you overwhelmed yet? Just keep reading, it gets better.

I spent the majority of this morning sobbing. I went to a baby shower yesterday, and by means of Flyff, I was able to stop the flood of emotions that night. I probably shouldn't have seeing as then I had a shoulder to cry on, and two year olds just aren't cut out for 15-30 minutes of crying and hugging. No matter how caring they are. Unless of course the need for touch is being fulfilled for them. All of the above mentioned things that were needed to be done, are still relevant and were relevant all morning. Which of course heightened my depression. I'm not sure why I'm telling you all of this, I guess to just get it out, but still, I'm getting swamped. And here I sit, typing this all out to waste more time. Oh wait, did I mention the chore it is to find food. I have decided that that particular survival instinct is dormant in me. I push my body to the limit without food and then settle for something less then healthy (and I'm talking WAY less) to satisfy me until I can't stand it once again.

I don't remember my sister singing me to sleep. I feel kind of bad about that. Because of other factors, I abandoned my memories of my childhood. My mom told me that she wanted to sing me to sleep again after Little Angel died. I wouldn't have minded that, but because of distance, that was impossible. Today was again another reason why I wish my family all lived on the same block. Or at least the same area code. Anyway, I'm just rambling and wasting time now, so I'll get back to reality and leave my little world here where dreams reside for another time. Thank you all for reading.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I feel like.........ME!

So, I thought I'd update you on my personal spring cleaning. My house is as messy as ever, but as far as my personal spring cleaning is concerned...I feel, well, to say it the best, I feel like me. I don't feel like I am hiding anything, I don't feel like I need to act a certain way, I feel like me.

I think I might have shocked someone from my old ward that I grew up in, because of that. She probably noticed something different, but I just did what I would do. I am different then the me that she knew while I was growing up under her direction with primary, young womens, and even relief society. Yes, she was a leader/mentor my whole growing up years.

I thought that when I was "cleaning my closet" I would know for sure when I was done. I thought that there would be this sudden release. But it wasn't that way. It was gradual until I realized that I felt free. I am doing things I thought I would never do. Meditation, reading a book about aroma therapy, wearing clothes that I thought I would never wear, but feeling comfortable in them. I feel peaceful.

I know that there are things that I need work on spiritually and others, like not spending as much time on the computer (wait, what am I doing now?...), but as far as I, myself am concerned, I feel like I can be me, and if people don't like it, that doesn't matter as much as it would have before. Thank you all for being there for me.

I am clean, and am willing and ready to work on things that I need to. Do the best things rather then the better or good things. Since I am at peace and I have taken care of myself, I can handle the other perfecting I need. I needed to know who I am, and love myself before I could do that, and guess what? I do. I LOVE ME!!! I know I still have work to do, and bettering myself to happen, but I can still love myself despite my imperfections. That is how the Lord sees me, and as I see myself more and more the way my Father does, I can work on the other things. Anyway, I guess I'm done rambling, but I thought I'd share that with you all.

Friday, April 4, 2008

New blog!

So, I added some music to my blog. Let me know how you feel about it. I can change it so it doesn't play automatically. I just thought I'd share some music that makes me feel good.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

In like a lion out like a lamb?

So, isn't that the saying for March? Well the first part was right, but we woke up yesterday to about 4 inches of snow. I don't think that really counts as out with a lamb... whatever happened to that saying anyway?