Since my last post, I've been wondering how to proceed. Because I don't want to worry you, my friendly readers, but at the same time, I don't know what to talk about other than my boring life or self-image issues. Because they are a nearly a daily battle for me to fight these days.
And I think I've figured something out. Something that I didn't quite know how to express years ago when I was in a similar situation. I am a very social person. I don't do well being alone. And though yes, I have kids (one of them is nearing 10.... yikes!) to talk to and be with, it isn't quite the same as having someone who will actually listen to me. When you talk to a kid, you are never quite sure if they are listening or processing or caring about what you are saying. Sure there are those rare bonding times when things seem to just fit together and you snuggle for a little or something, and there is a connection - but you can't control those. You can't get them to come when you need them most. That feeling, that "this person doesn't care what I'm saying right now" kind of feeling makes me feel oh so lonely. Hence the rising depression going on here. I rely on social things to help get me through the hard days.
I hunger for social interactions so fiercely that the small moments I have Pro Boxer around, I babble about nonsensical stuff - just fluff, really - just to have someone to talk to. And as a result of that, I find that I don't talk to him about the things I really need to talk to him about, and just fill the silence with inconsequential things.
I stalk Bacefook, but it doesn't have the kind of social stuff I'm needing (ironically enough). And I think it gives me even more anxiety than I already have while I'm sitting at my computer waiting for a notification, then feeling unfulfilled when it's a game invite or someone commenting on someone else's post after I had - not really talking to me. I don't know if I'd say I'm addicted to Bacefook - but rather I'm addicted to social interaction, and I'm searching for it in every aspect of my life that I can.
I remember how I used to talk about how I ramble on here a lot. I think that was a result of all of this. I want to talk and express myself without any limitations. What can I say? I like talking about myself and sharing my thoughts (doesn't every body?). In larger groups, I have a hard time doing that at all, because I tend to get talked over. So smaller groups or one on one usually are my favorite functions. Which is why - when I write emails or letters, or even post on my blog, when I have no one to interrupt me but myself - I go crazy and write all the things, talk about all the things, because I have no one holding me back or stopping my rambling.
And I think - this is what I need. This freedom to express myself. I have grown up in a cage. My parents meant well, I'm sure. But it was a cage nonetheless. By limiting me from talking about certain things, they likely meant to protect me, but really, it simply grew this need I have to be able to express myself without walls. That is why my good friends are so precious to me. Because I can talk to them about anything and everything, and they won't go away. I do fear, sometimes, that I'll become too reliant, or too needy, and they'll leave me. Despite being a social butterfly, I'm also quite shy. Meeting new people - trying to find that new really good friend is terrifying. Likely because of that similar fear - the fear of being left alone.
