And so the truth comes out.

Man I'm a really good liar.  I always thought that I'm not a very good one, but I must be if I'm able to lie to myself for 20 years or so.  I'm still not sure if I'm ready to post the lie on here or not...  I still haven't told any of my family (besides Pro Boxer) because I'm not quite sure how to bring it up or if I even should.  This revelation came around the same time as my crappy day mentioned in the last post.

So throughout my sibling's bringing ups, two fell off the gospel path - at least enough that they made an impact on the family dynamic.  My parents aren't ones to judge or disown their kids just because they don't go along with their ideals, religious or otherwise, but that couldn't stop the awkward times at religious occasions.  They are both finding their way back now all prodigal son like, and that's great.  Throughout my life, despite it's downfalls, I had always been gospel oriented and strived to always do my best and follow God and Christ and pray and read scriptures and all that stuff.  I never really once showed signs of severing from the path that my parents and ancestors laid out for me.  Only at this time, when my brothers are making their way back, is the time when I am falling off.

It makes me feel somewhat incompetent.  All the time people are talking about how strong I am and how it is amazing that I can do all that I do, with two kids, and still be so on top of things and excel in everything.

What me are they seeing?

I'm the weakest person that I know.  And I know that we are our own worst critics, but I really don't see the me that everyone else sees.  It is this exact reason why I hide and try to be so strong that those close to me won't even see the possibility of me breaking.  It is really why I work so hard to live up to their ideals, because if I don't, then everyone will see how truly weak I really am.  And I feel like I couldn't really live with that.

Someone told me that I'm just attention seeking (part of the crappy day mentioned in the previous post).  That's a silly thing to say to someone.  The only person would could EVER be able to decide if one is attention seeking is the person in question.  I personally don't think I am.  I may be a little bit, I mean... everyone is to a point.  I would almost argue that I'm the opposite of attention seeking.  All you can answer this: what do I do when the pain is too much?  I hide.  I try to become invisible and turn the emotions off.  I don't want people so see my pain (even me) so I try and disappear into things.  It never works (completely), I always have to return to reality.  But it is still my instant reaction.

I hope none of you think I'm attention seeking.  Remember that this blog is first and foremost, a place where I can get things out, no bars held, blood in your face kind of way.  Though it has lessened from that in recent months, pretty much because my mom asked me to censor it... but really... this is the only way.  Nothing held back.  I'm still holding back, because what I'm told by someone that I respect, I can't just ignore.  No matter how much it may hurt me.  Why not just write in in a personal (lock and key kind of deal) journal?  Well, that kind of defeats the purpose.  I'm tired of everything hiding in a closet like I did as a child.

And so the posting must go on.  Sorry if this one doesn't make much sense.

I had a pretty good day, all things considered... but my emotions are all still in an uproar and turmoil kind of thing that is hard for me to explain.  We'll see what tomorrow is like.

On a happier note

I'm such a spoiled little brat.  I always kind of have been, and lately I have just been taking my good friends who are such a support to me for granted.  I still don't feel as if I'm worth their attention and love (I'm not sure I ever will), but I just wanted to let you all know that it's thanks to some of you, and many really good friends that are around me, some with similar morals, and some with very different morals, that stay with me, lift me up, and make me laugh at myself.  Love's to you all.  I hope you know who you are.

Today ended up to be very good.  It started really crappy.  I'm not going to be specific or the wound will probably open up again.  I ditched two classes, however, which turned out to be a rather good thing for my emotions.  I'm going to try and not make a habit of it, but it was nice because I could hang out with three of the above mentioned friends, and they made me forget life for a while and feel like maybe I do enjoy this thing and that I'm a fun person.  Then marching band happened - I always feel better after a band rehearsal (unless it was really horrible...) and then brass choir which was equally lifting (especially because Dr. Lion rehearsed with us and made us sound better than we are) and to top everything off, brass quintet.  I'll just have to say that brass quintet is one of my favorite ensembles to play in.  Today was an especially good rehearsal.  I wish that people in charge of education curriculum could understand and experience the power of music.  It really has healing properties... but I'm getting off topic.

So what started off as a really crappy day that seemed to only be able to go down, ended up as a wonderful one leaving me feeling great.

I could maybe get used to this feeling great.