Reminiscing

So my little list of the past posts looks rather slim these past few years. Part of that is because people told me to stop talking about certain things on my blog, and part of that is because I realized that really most of my posts were angsty and depressing. But I think I may be finally able to start recording things again. We'll see.

And without further ado:

This year we were surprised when I opened my kitchen blinds in the morning to find balloons already bought and tied to our fence. It was a nice, simple little gesture that warmed my heart. Goof Ball seems to understand more about what this is all about these days. He said, "They're going to heaven," after we sent them off.

Friends and family have called or asked me how I've been doing, and honestly, the answer is just fine. It was a good day, and though depression threatened to overwhelm me during the weeks before Little Angel's birthday, the actual day was fine, and I didn't feel like I was drowning in sorrow and all that like I mentioned two years ago.

Truthfully, I am quite content with my life these days. I looked back at some of my starred emails the other day, and one was an email sent to me years ago from one of my sis-in-laws because of her concern of my constant depressing posts on here. There wasn't a return email that I had sent to her, and I feel slightly bad about that, not sure if I ever did respond to it.

I have a hard time trying to explain the path I've taken to get me where I am now, though not for lack of trying. I've written many pieces about Shorinji Kempo (one of the big reasons why I've been able to have such a miraculous turn around), written pieces about Little Angel, and other issues as well. But still I have a hard time articulating it, and that frustrates me as a person, but even more as a writer. Shouldn't I be better at things like that? Articulating my thoughts through the written word and all that? Why is this so hard?

Perhaps part of it is because it is so close to my heart. It shows my fears, my darkness, the part of me I keep hidden except with my closest friends. Perhaps it's because it has been such a severe turn around. Going from hating myself and mostly depressed to content with who I am and only occasionally depressed. I think a lot of it is that I'm still too close to it and can't see what steps within Shorinji Kempo have gotten me to this point. Maybe it's just all the support I've gotten these past years from wonderful friends who haven't judged me once. Maybe it's something as simple as ... time. Or perhaps it's because once I accepted myself for who I am, and started seeing/believing that I have worth as a person, I've been able to also accept my feelings for what they were and work through them rather than hide them under a thick layer of numbness.

Possibly it's been a combination of all of that. I've gone leaps and bounds from where I was two years ago. Sure the pain is still there, like my previous post mentions. Depression always seems to be a thought away. But I've gained tools to help me keep it at bay. Or at the very least to move forward despite it. To not wallow in it and fall even deeper with blame. If you would have asked me what I expected to get out of studying martial arts before I started, I would not have said all of those things, and though I believe I haven't gotten all of this benefit from just that, I'd still wager that my turnaround started solely because of it. And most of the growth has been directly because of it. I've often said that it's the cheapest and most effective therapy I've ever done.

So ... I guess if you're reading this, thanks for your support and love. I'm doing alright. There is still a bitter-sweet kind of pain, but isn't that kind of the definition of life? I've thrown my temper tantrums, pushed people away in an attempt to protect myself, or just to give myself time to heal. Thanks for your patience through it all. And on that note, here's a happy picture of my adorable superheros: