All the things

Oh boy. Where to start? Okay well... I guess I'll just plunge in.

First off, last month I completely forgot about my attempt at trying to be more active on here, in fact, I believe I even completely forgot that I even have a blog. So there's that. But considering everything that I've gone through in the past two or three weeks, I guess it makes sense.

Pro Boxer's schedule has changed. That, I believe, is the first most important (and very stressful) change. He is now working 12s. His assigned schedule is three 12s in a row. In perspective, it seems rather nice. I never get to see him for three days in a week, but then I get him, free of charge, for four. However, things haven't really been that great. In the three (four?) weeks that they've been doing this, they've been behind with their cheese production and hence, he has had to work four 12s in a row instead. I'm not even going to go into how much strain this puts on him (mostly because I don't really know - he doesn't complain much... or at all), but it's been driving me to insanity. His shift happens to go right through my social activities, and being the social person I am... His work has never really much cared about my schedule, but now they are declaring war on my sanity.

So there's that.

In preparation for this change in schedule, Pro Boxer and I have been working on saving up money to buy a second car, so at least I wouldn't have to leech rides off of my friends for my social things. But life threw another curve ball. We were visiting Pro Boxer's parents one weekend, and I was going to a writers conference. On the way back to their house one evening, our car flipped out. Even though I was still in drive, it was like the car switched to neutral and revved. Over and over. Even going into the red 6-7 (or whatever number - the red ones) rpms. And even though I was no longer pushing on the gas. So here I was on the freeway, needing to accelerate, but doing the opposite, yet my car was flipping out and I had no power to accelerate with. Let me tell you, that was stress x 100. I'm not going to go into all of everything (or this would be a very long post indeed), but suffice it to say, there was no accident, I wasn't injured at all, and I got back to in-law's house safely. But the car..... well, we got that checked the next day. On top of two minor things (that would be around a $500 fix), the guy told us that our transmission was going out. Considering this car has over 200k miles on it, and has engine problems anyway... yeah.

So. We spent all of our savings, as well as a couple thousand from Pro Boxer's dad (thank you!!) to buy a new (used) car. And of course, this was buying a replacement car. Not a second one. Granted, it was a great find, perfect timing and all that... except the fact that our other car died and we were basically desperate.

All of this combined together... The past week or so I have been reverting to the depressed wreck I was, oh, not so many years ago. I told Pro Boxer yesterday that I realized that this new schedule of his really isn't good for my health. And it isn't. When he has to leave again, I just want to curl into a ball and disappear. Some days I do that. And when I actually allow the depression to fully take hold on me, it takes me nearly half of the next day to come out of it and actually get anything done - including feeding myself. But of course, it's still hovering over me even then. And it's not even the more difficult time it takes to get to my social functions. During the week, I feel like I see Pro Boxer as much (as little?) as I did when I was going to school. Kiss goodbye, kiss goodnight... that's about it. And this time, I don't have the socialness that probably was almost the only thing sustaining me during my college years. At least not to the degree I had back then. I've found myself in a new stage of life, and I somehow need to find a way to get back to the happy person I was a month ago. I really liked that person. These days it's getting harder and harder to convince myself that I'm not a horrible person when everything I do (or don't do) makes me feel that way - thanks to the depression.

Quite the change in posts, but we've had quite the lifestyle change. This isn't the first time that Pro Boxer's shift changed, and it likely won't be the last, but the previous shift had been constant for over four years, and I had gotten quite used to seeing him at certain times. Having his help with house cleaning at certain times, etc... Now everything's changed again, and I just have to adapt ... again. In the mean time, I also have to find a way to get out of this rut without having my way, because apparently that's never going to happen with his current job.

*sigh...

Well anyway, consider yourself updated. I'll try and not forget about you again too soon.