So, I feel like I'm being pulled like 100 different directions. There are so many things that I want to do, or need to do. I want to read the scriptures more often. I'm in the middle of like 5 different really good books. And there is more on the list of good books that I want to read. Bug needs tender loving care, and I'm not sure if he is dealing with trauma, or if I'm just spoiling him. There are dishes to be done, laundry to fold and dry, piles to organize and picked up. I want to help those around me with what they are dealing with. And even those that aren't around me, but I know them, and still want to help them. Family included in that list. Is it getting piled up yet? Oh, and then there are the things that I just want to do. My cross-stitch, fun book reading, doing CTMH parties, and a hundred other things. My high school band teacher is doing a concert where the alumni are invited to come and play. Getting my chops ready for that is also included. Are you overwhelmed yet? Just keep reading, it gets better.
I spent the majority of this morning sobbing. I went to a baby shower yesterday, and by means of Flyff, I was able to stop the flood of emotions that night. I probably shouldn't have seeing as then I had a shoulder to cry on, and two year olds just aren't cut out for 15-30 minutes of crying and hugging. No matter how caring they are. Unless of course the need for touch is being fulfilled for them. All of the above mentioned things that were needed to be done, are still relevant and were relevant all morning. Which of course heightened my depression. I'm not sure why I'm telling you all of this, I guess to just get it out, but still, I'm getting swamped. And here I sit, typing this all out to waste more time. Oh wait, did I mention the chore it is to find food. I have decided that that particular survival instinct is dormant in me. I push my body to the limit without food and then settle for something less then healthy (and I'm talking WAY less) to satisfy me until I can't stand it once again.
I don't remember my sister singing me to sleep. I feel kind of bad about that. Because of other factors, I abandoned my memories of my childhood. My mom told me that she wanted to sing me to sleep again after Little Angel died. I wouldn't have minded that, but because of distance, that was impossible. Today was again another reason why I wish my family all lived on the same block. Or at least the same area code. Anyway, I'm just rambling and wasting time now, so I'll get back to reality and leave my little world here where dreams reside for another time. Thank you all for reading.
1 comment:
Motherhood is an adventure, isn't it?! While I don't relate to all of your feelings, I do relate to being swamped! There is much we are trying to do and be and usually not enough time or energy to do or be it all. I had a good "I'm swamped" crying time today myself. But, day by day, we just keep trying to do the best we can, to take care of the most important things, and I'm convinced that in the long run, we accomplish much good - much more than we realize. After all, "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."
I also believe in one of Heber J. Grant's slogan: “That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased” (see Conference Report, Apr. 1901, p. 63).
So, hang in there! You're doing a great job and you'll get even better! How else do you think all the wonderful ladies we know (our Mom, young women leaders, grandmas, etc.) got to be so wonderful? I think it was through the challenges of life and womanhood. So, see - you're just an angel in the making!
I'm cheering for you!
Love, Can :)
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