Maybe I just thought I already talked about it. Maybe I just wished people would know so I imagined that they really did. No matter the reason, I hate hiding. I'm sick of hiding and refuse to. So here is the truth. The ugly truth that probably most of you don't know or never realized. If you don't know if you are ready to read or know the ugly truth or may be hurt by it, please stop reading now. I won't be offended. The last thing I want to do is hurt people.
I can't hide anymore.
So here it is.
I'm sorry in advance.
I was sexually abused when I was a child.
There it is. The ugly truth.
You don't need to know by whom. Please don't speculate on who done it. It has happened, and we can all just go on with our merry lives pretending everything is grand right? "Just put it behind us." It does no good to dwell on past mistakes and wrongs. Right? Right??
No. And yes. When a child is abused, they separate themselves from themselves. Call it a survival instinct. With something as traumatizing as this, the emotions have to be dealt with at some point. As far as the perpetrator, it is true. It is no good to dwell on past mistakes. I have forgiven him, so no one needs to know who done it.
But I can't "just let it go". Because sometimes... no... all times, what happens in our past affects how we act today. Some things have more affect than others. Something as traumatizing as this is hard to accept sometimes. But I need to deal with the emotions that I have hidden... no run from my whole life. Right now I'm cleaning out the closet. I can't live like this anymore. I have recently realized that I (irrationally, I know) feel a lot of guilt. Please don't tell me that it wasn't my fault. I already know that. Knowing ≠ feeling.
When you clean out a closet, dust arises. I'm in for a long stretch of ugliness. Or at least it feels like that. I can't just hide it and pretend everything is happy-go-lucky anymore. I used to. Which is why things like this can exist. Survivors learn to be very good actors. Except to their moms apparently.
I'm pissed off because I thought I had already gone through this. I have been through counseling before. Many times in fact. I thought I had been healed. And now I'm back at square one. Well... past square one. Deeper down than square one.
My parent's home used to be a safe haven for me. A sanctuary. It has always been that way for me. I hadn't ever moved the entirety of my childhood. They have always lived in the too small house for nine kids, with the unfinished basement. There have been some improvements. No one is sleeping in an unfinished bathroom with blankets for walls anymore, but that might have something to do with the fact that my parents are the only ones living there now. But at least the unfinished bathroom has walls now... at least as far as I know. I don't pay much attention to those sorts of things. Usually when I'm down there I'm trying to keep myself from screaming. I was only scared of the basement.
The guest room is now currently in the basement. The only queen bed for guests is now down there. Well... besides the hide-a-bed... but when I wake up on that bed I can't move for a bit because of the back pain. Thanksgiving eve. We went to visit family. I tried to sleep down there because sleeping in bunk beds wasn't appealing to me. I wanted my honey's arm around me. I didn't even get close to sleep before I was practically running up the stairs with tears running down my eyes.
I have felt uncomfortable at my parent's house since. It kills me. My only sanctuary this whole time has now turned into a house of horrors. It isn't because the spirit isn't there. It may be because I have cut myself off from anything spiritual. Feeling this enormous guilt has given me the impression that I'm not worthy enough to pray or feel any sort of love from anyone. I know it is false. Knowing ≠ feeling.
So there it is. I'm not asking for any sort of advice. I am going to counseling for a reason. But I just can't hide anymore.
Stop following me if that was too much for you. I'm sure the posts will get worse. I'll try to keep things light with pictures and cute stories about my adorable kids. But count on these sort of posts. Because I just can't keep it in anymore.
10 comments:
::gnaws affectionately upon thee:: more posts, please!
- Cat
Already knew. Following anyway. Can't scare me away that easy. ;)
Ditto. Really, did you expect anything else from me? ;)
oh! I commented, hahahah that means you have to do crunches now!
Hun, you know that there are so many of us here to help. Just let us know when you are ready for our help or need a listening ear. We have not gone through what you have, but we can listen. Let me know if, no when you want to talk. I will keep reading, because you mean something to me.
not offended, not scared, won't leave you in your time of need :)
This is what blogs are for Right? Good for you for getting it off your chest. I still think your great. Allison
Hey, sis, still praying for you! (get used to it!)
Well you added me as a follower if that says anything about how I feel. You are an amazing person and yes I still love ya...maybe even more because you are even more amazing in my eyes now! You are in my prayers! Let me know if I can help in any way!
"you are only as sick as your secrets" is something i've heard in alanon meetings. i grew up in a family with alcoholism. another trauma to live through when the disease causes trauma to the family. it affected every bit of me...it also made me who i am. your story is different but shame, guilt and trauma are similar. shutting down feelings til you are ready to handle them...etc are similar. i realized i had to let go of the secret of alcoholism...i had to talk about it...as time has gone by, i am freed by telling....when appropriate. you are who you are because of your past.....every day you are freed from the secret and slowly, it moves on...always a part of your history,,,not as much your story. i feel for you. i wish you a slow healing process....little by little.
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