I'm still here

I'm still alive.

I'm sorry I'm posting only negative these days... I'll have a positive thought at the end of this post. Promise.

I started group again to help me heal from the abuse. And when you clean out a closet, dust arises.

Here's my dust:

I finally found out why I hate myself. I have the incorrect mind set of "bad things happened to me, so I must be bad." And yes. My mind tells me that it IS incorrect. That doesn't make the feeling go away.

So what do I do now? I have no idea. My counselor tells me that I need to battle with the negative thoughts. But how do I do that? It can't be as easy as just deciding that what I have believed my whole life was a lie.

Nevertheless. I'm still here. I'm still kickin'. I'm still fighting.

Last night I didn't really pray. At least not kneeling down. But as I crawled into my bed I sent a last thought up to God. "Please. If you have any scrap of sympathy for me, let me have a good night's rest." Baby slept from 9-8. Approx. Without any milk or formula in his belly. We have been having him on formula at night to help him sleep better. Yet we didn't have anymore last night. Not only that, but Baby woke up cooing and talking instead of screaming. I guess that means that I'm still important enough to God for a little miracle. I still didn't want to get out of bed this morning.

On other good notes:

I called some people about Mary Kay yesterday that I didn't know. They were referrals from one of my customers. And I had a good success with them. I was way excited. I have two parties booked with people that I don't know. Dismiss the fact that I'll probably be practically shaking with fear when I go meet them for the party, but that is not for a bit longer.

Also. Many of you may know that I'm writing a story. I think that I have decided to publish it as a novel instead of my original idea as a manga (Japanese comic book). Not only that, but one of my friends has been planning on starting up a publishing company for a while. He has been reading my story and offered to have my story be his launch title. The whole aspect of that makes me feel like I am going to puke, but it is still exciting me enough to think kind of seriously about it. Though that may be because if I'm working on my story I'm living in a world free of the pain of my life, and that is a very appealing prospect for me. Whatever the reason, I think it very well might happen.

So yeah. Good things happening. The bad things seem almost too overwhelming, but at least there are angels in there with the devils.