To my readers:

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to all my readers who have been worried about me to the point of stress or anxiety. I didn't really realize how disturbing or maybe even suicidal my posts have been until a friend actually pointed it out to me.

I am not going to commit suicide. No it isn't my kids, friends, family, or even my husband that keeps me here. It is the thought and belief in the gospel. The knowledge that my life would be that much worse in the next life than it is now.

And though it isn't much, that is what is holding me here. The desire, no, the need to be accepted in the Lord's sight.

Acceptance is my survival. Without it... I think I may just break. And I need to be accepted again, and again, and again. So I keep trying people. Testing them if they will stick with me 'til the end. So I'm sorry to my readers. And yet I thank you. If you have made it this far, then I realize that I can trust you to stay with me. Even though I may not know who you are, just knowing that there is someone out there listening to my ramblings, thinking about me, maybe even praying for me... is a great help.

I may not feel your prayers or your thoughts. Not in the numb/comatose state that I'm in. But please don't give up on me. Rejection is something I fear the most. And though I know my existence shouldn't depend on my acceptance of others... Knowing ≠ Feeling.

I'm sorry for all of this. Sometimes I wonder if you have the more difficult task, keeping with me though you probably don't see the result of your efforts for a very long time.

And I thank you. Thank you for sticking with me. I'm in for a rough bit of time still I think. But thank you for sticking with me this long.