Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.


and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.


munch up.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

To my readers:

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to all my readers who have been worried about me to the point of stress or anxiety. I didn't really realize how disturbing or maybe even suicidal my posts have been until a friend actually pointed it out to me.

I am not going to commit suicide. No it isn't my kids, friends, family, or even my husband that keeps me here. It is the thought and belief in the gospel. The knowledge that my life would be that much worse in the next life than it is now.

And though it isn't much, that is what is holding me here. The desire, no, the need to be accepted in the Lord's sight.

Acceptance is my survival. Without it... I think I may just break. And I need to be accepted again, and again, and again. So I keep trying people. Testing them if they will stick with me 'til the end. So I'm sorry to my readers. And yet I thank you. If you have made it this far, then I realize that I can trust you to stay with me. Even though I may not know who you are, just knowing that there is someone out there listening to my ramblings, thinking about me, maybe even praying for me... is a great help.

I may not feel your prayers or your thoughts. Not in the numb/comatose state that I'm in. But please don't give up on me. Rejection is something I fear the most. And though I know my existence shouldn't depend on my acceptance of others... Knowing ≠ Feeling.

I'm sorry for all of this. Sometimes I wonder if you have the more difficult task, keeping with me though you probably don't see the result of your efforts for a very long time.

And I thank you. Thank you for sticking with me. I'm in for a rough bit of time still I think. But thank you for sticking with me this long.

2 comments:

Azteroth said...

In regards to your comment that you know your existence shouldn't depend on others acceptance of you... It's ok. If that's what you need to lean on until you can learn to love yourself and accept yourself, it's ok. Just keep striving to reach that point. Knowing that the only thing that matters is if you can accept yourself & striving to live in a ay that allows you to love yourself & therefore maybe someday even be able to stand before you God and maybe not want to cease to exist for the shame of all your sins... that is a liberating feeling. One that I only feel in passing & on the rare occasion, but it is amazing. If you need to lean on others until them, it's ok. Do what you need to do. We're here for you.

Deanna said...

glad to help any way I can :)