I think I'm programmed or wired to be depressed.

I had an interesting thought today. I'm not sure I can explain it well.

Imagine a group of friends. Just about five or so. Expand them to about the size of a big band. Around 20 people. Let's increase even more... say about a hundred people. Maybe envision a football team, or a small marching band. Increase that marching band to about 200 people. They can do pretty detailed drills on the field now. Now take two of them... three of them... four of them. Ten of them. Grouped together in your mind in organized circles. You can't really see the individuals anymore, just a mass of heads in each group of 200. Now we have 2,000 people swimming around in our minds. Add on more and more. How many people can you visualize? Do you have any notion of how many people there are living in America? 1 mil is just a number. Get a large body of people together in your mind, and I ask you... can you visualize 1 million people? How much space would they take up?

I have often wondered when the world will end. Does it end when the last soul has been born into the world, or does it end whenever God chooses and we can have children during Christ's reign in the millennium? Whatever the case, my mind expanded today. I visualized hundreds of millions of souls still waiting to be born, and God near them, as if talking to them and explaining to them their task on the earth. My mind expanded even more and wondered how much bigger the group would have been when God presented his plan of the creation of this earth. I am probably not doing any of this justice, it was certainly an amazing experience that I probably can never explain well.

This earth had a beginning. By definition, it must have an end. "Forever," by definition is never-ending. So... If life after death is never-ending, logically, that means there must not have ever been a beginning.

So I began asking myself... What is the purpose of this life? "It's a test." "We are here to learn." "We are here to experience this life so we can know how to govern worlds that we possibly will be able to make." I've heard most (if not all) of the answers my church can give me. It seems my only choices are life in heaven with God, or burning in hell. But what is the point? What am I here for? How can I explain this...? I can't even say the question. I don't know if there are words to say the question.

There is no cease to exist option. Somewhere in that great beyond there has to be nothingness. But all of my above statements seem to contradict that. If my purpose here on life is to learn, and others out there in other worlds are there in their world to learn... won't we run out of space? There has to be something. There can't only be two options. Whether I will be building my own worlds or burning in hell for the rest of my existence (which gospel says will last forever), won't whatever it is become boring and "everyday?" Can one burn long enough for the flames to become a tickle or a caress? Another world here, another world there. To me, right now, forever anything is a depressing thought. Can't I just eventually... cease to exist?

When other people think about how big this world is (and yet how small), and how many people there on it now, and how many people that have lived on it before, and how many still are waiting to come, they start to feel grateful that God even listens to them and knows them by name, despite how many other people there are that he also knows and listens to. Me? I get depressed. It is nearly instantaneous. Why would He care about me? Why would He know me? Little ol' beat up me. In my mind, He has no obligation to care for me, not when so much has thrown me down and beat me to rubble.

Maybe I'm just wired to be depressed.