I'm vegging. I have so much to do, I am drowning, and don't even know what direction to start swimming to survive.
I knew my breaking point was coming up.
I need to read practically an entire book before tomorrow, I need to revise a paper (that will suck because of stupidity on my part - I left the book that I am writing the paper on in my Japanese classroom today, so I can't add quotes to improve it like I had been planning. hence - stupidity on my part, and it will be a stupid essay) that I need to turn in tomorrow. Another paper thing due Thursday. 日本語しゅくだい every day. Kanji quiz and chapter test coming up... A state's load of work to do on my 30 page essay (at least I have finally decided the three topics). And I'm writing on here.
I have been having a huge struggle focusing as of late. If ever I do so for a certain amount of time, great. But I usually end up with a massive headache that may or may not go away with Advil migraine. Saturday I made part of a midterm. 3 hours later, I had a massive headache. I took medicine. It didn't do a blasted thing. Of course by that time, the headache had had the chance to sit and stew and settle itself in my head. But I can't focus with such a painful ... pain radiating in my brain. So despite all that I had to do, I did something completely different. Pro Boxer didn't clean up the house as much as I was hoping for that day, so I start to dig in. Into my own personal mess. The bombed out world under my drawing table. I did it, it felt nice. It is good and organized now. There are still a few things that are sitting around waiting for me to put them away away, but at least I know what is there, and where exactly it is. I didn't get to my desk either... it is still quite the mess. But, hey, I accomplished something. At least I didn't sit around on my bed waiting for the headache to go away. And whether it was the cherry Pepsi (*gasp! yes, I took caffeine!) or just the act of distracting myself that made the headache go away where the Advil migraine wouldn't.
Pro Boxer introduced me to cherry Pepsi. I like it a lot. And not because it has the power to get rid of my headaches (which it does). It is very tasty. Now I don't know if it is better for me to have pills or caffeine to help my headaches go away, but for someone who was unable to find any over the counter medicine that would get rid of her headaches (except Advil migraine - which only works if I take it with a budding headache), this is a pretty awesome revelation. And yes, I understand the possibilities of getting addicted to it to the point that it would cause headaches. Right now, I am going off of the assumption that my headaches are stemmed mainly from stress, lack of sleep (*eyes clock...), and tight muscles. I'm slowly working on the muscles. I'm trying to stretch out my neck slightly every day. Hopefully that will help.
I do not plan to get addicted to caffeine... but I can't deny that I really really like cherry Pepsi.
Why the sudden ode to cherry Pepsi? No idea. I can't focus. I told you that at the beginning of my post.
I'm at the point. I can break right here, right now. I can not revise my paper and turn in a crappy version of it tomorrow. I can not try and read as much of that book as I can for my nonfiction class, and have nothing to say about the book, and be completely lost during the period (or not go at all... *gasp!). I think I'm realizing that whenever I find myself at points like this, I usually tend to give up and crash. I still don't know what I'll do. Maybe this post is what will help me decide. If I go to sleep right now, I can almost guarantee that I'll crash. Mornings and me don't get along. Yet I'm so tired... maybe it would be better for me to crash.
And still I wonder what The King would say to me if I did crash. Would he feel any sort of guilt or blame? Would I want him to? - No. I have always, and probably will always take the blame for anything and everything.
Whether I sink or swim depends on my ability to stay awake. Or wake up early... but usually that path tends to crash - as I said... mornings and me don't get along. Whatever happens will happen, I suppose. But sometimes I wonder if I'm some sort of masochist, forgetting things and procrastinating for the purpose of abusing myself. The possibility is there... the possible motives are there. Maybe I want to prove to the world that I'm not really as great or as amazing as they seem to think I am, so I force myself to crash. Who knows? I doubt I ever will.
But for now, I'll go off to the land of homework and see what becomes of it.
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