As I suspected, I woke up numb this morning. I have been numb all day long. While in such a state, I desired to find a way to describe it - such is the mind of a writer I suppose. I go around every day, every second, trying to take in more sensory details and find ways to describe them. The other day I saw a 13 year old girl who had hair just lighter than my own. People used to say that I had "dirty blond" hair. I hated that. It made me feel like I was dirty and was lesser than people who had "pure" hair color. I didn't want to label that 13 year old with the same color hair as myself. And then the bus drove past a building under construction that had just recently added plywood for sides. Her hair blended with it perfectly. But then again... plywood colored hair isn't much better.
Anyway... numbness. Other people who aren't myself would probably define it as depressed. Whether or not that is true, this is what numbness is for me.
I get up and go through the normal labors of the day, skipping out on things that I absolutely abhor. If I don't need to do it, I won't. Funnily enough, my priorities are a bit skued when I am like this. For example, homework is a priority. I know that, because I got up at 5:30 this morning to do it, and I did it. I didn't finish it (for lack of time) but I did it. I didn't eat breakfast. Someone once told me that there are two people. Those who live to eat, and those who eat to live. I am of the latter. If it takes too much effort (I had to wash a spoon this morning to have my breakfast = too much effort) than I won't do it (usually). Especially when I am numb. I could feel the pangs, sadly when I am emotionally turned off, it doesn't do much for my physical self. Yet I didn't eat, and the pangs soon left me. People's defined "needs" get messed up in my mind. Maybe this is a reflection of what my priorities really are, but that can be a discussion for another day.
I range from extreme outbursts of laughter (that I'm still not sure are forced or sincere) to staring at the floor, unblinking until my eyelids shudder and force me to blink. When I am around people, I can act normal. When I am by myself, I disappear inside again and start staring again. Sometimes being alone includes sitting with a bunch of other people but none of them take notice to me, or if they do, they ignore me and turn away probably not knowing what to say.
I also found today that when I am like this, I do not need people to hug me and tell me what a great person I am. Don't tell me of all the good things that I have done or am doing right now. I will not believe you, and I believe that it will turn me inward even more, wanting to prove that I'm not as great as you think I am. I need someone to tell me how horrible I am, and tell me things that I do wrong. Showing me love when I am like this won't improve my mood - for my emotions are turned off and I'll turn more stubborn because I know that I don't deserve any such thing.
No one ever tells me that I do things wrong (no, not even when I'm NOT depressed). No one ever tells me that I'm bad or that I need to do better in anything. I know that I am not perfect - yet no one ever tells me off or seems to dislike me or anything. People I talk to about this even say that no one talks bad about me when I'm not there either.
Why can no one understand? Why am I so invisible?
I... don't know what to say anymore. And maybe my previous suspicions and beliefs above won't do any good. I hurt. I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand myself anymore. Yet I can't sit here and tell you what it is that I hate about myself. I have no idea what reasoning this came from. It is just there. Buried deep within my soul, and I feel like shit. I can't understand why people look at me with such respect and befriend me. I don't know what to do to get it out, and I have lost faith in almost everything. The King told me once that I was lying to myself and that I did believe that Christ has the power to heal and help me. It is likely that is certainly true. I do believe that. But I don't believe Him. There is a nifty little book out there (that I have started a few times, but have never finished) called Believing Christ. I believe in Christ, as in I believe he has the power. But I don't believe that he will. Not for me. Humility on steroids. You could maybe say that I'm so humble that I have lost all hope. There is no reason why I would ever be good enough to be saved, or healed or anything. No reason at all. (I can see it now, all my Mormon family and friends saying, "Oh, but there is! Because you are a child of God!")
I have forgotten who I am, I suppose. Because I can't believe that. I have been singing it since I was a toddler. But I can't believe it. I'm not sure I ever believed it. I always strove to show my worth, to prove my worth, to work so hard and earn two young woman medallions (I was about to "graduate" when they changed from one to the other. I finished the old one, then did the new one.) After living this long in my life, I'm finally beginning to realize that all that I have done has done nothing to prove my worth. I take on more than 19 credit hours work to prove my worth and fail in many aspects, and sometimes can't find the strength to go on.
Christ has the power, I have no doubt of that. But I have many doubts that he would use any of that power for me. There is nothing amazing about me. I'm just one more soul on the earth - one more of thousands of millions.
3 comments:
Proving your own self worth to yourself is a hard, hard thing. I wish I could tell you how to achieve it, but the only way I know is my way, and because we are different people, our ways are not the same.
The best I can do, the best any of us who love you (WHY we do is irrelevant, whether you believe that we do is irrelevant. the TRUTH, TRUTH, like gravity, that no amount of refusing to believe or acknowledge will change, is that we do) is to be there for you, to support you, to offer a hand to help you up when you are ready to stand and try to move forward again.
my hair was dirty blonde, or rather "mosquito colored" now it's some strange strawberry dark blonde (from a box mostly, ha).
I know how you feel. I've been there myself. I still go there often. You have to break out of it. For me, misery was an addiction. It was a way of life. That was how life was supposed to be, no one was ever really happy. They just pretend. Well, it's not true! I will tell you what my therapist told me that really helped me and completely caught me off guard. She (being a mormon) told me, "treat negative thoughts like demons. command them to leave in the name of Christ. as loud and as often as you can. I command you to leave!"
I left feeling somewhat dazed, but after two days I realized my head was completely empty. It had been so full of negative thoughts that I didn't know what to do without them. Of course one of two found their way back in, but I decided to replace the others with positive. They say "think happy thoughts and you'll be happy." what they didn't mention was that you have to get rid of all the negative thoughts fist. So, do it! Look yourself in the mirror and say "you know what, I am beautiful!" while you play your instruments say "I am really good at this, I haven't missed a beat." and when you feel like a lousy mom/wife say "hey, they're fed, they're dressed, and they love me. that's all that matters."
You are worth something, and no amount of anyone saying it will ever make it true until you believe it yourself. And once you see the light parting the clouds it is a wonderful feeling. I hope that you will find happiness. Heaven is a state of mind, not a place. You can't go to Heaven if you don't believe you belong there.
SL- I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I have a friend who wrote on her blog about her depression. She gave some really good insight, and after reading your post today, I thought it may be something you would want to read. The link to her blog post is: http://joshterrahuff.blogspot.com/2012/04/depression.html
Love ya tons!
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