Roller coaster

I should be in bed asleep. But I knew I had to document this day.

There have been many times in my life when I have gotten compliments. More than I believe I deserve. I hardly ever know how to respond, my mom always advising, "Just smile and say 'Thank you.'" Eventually I got to the point where I did that, even if I rolled my inner eye.

There are few people that I respect so highly that I get nervous around them. Dr. Lion is one, The King is another (look back in previous posts if you don't remember them). I just realized that my dad also is another. I never realized that, but the symptoms are similar. It may be that I respect my dad the most because I don't want to disappoint him to the point that I have kind of built a wall.

But that can be for another post.

Whatever the case, This post is about Dr. Lion. I worry about posting this, because I fear it may hurt people, but this blog is for me... and I need to talk about it somewhere.

Anyway, a few days ago Dr. Lion mentioned how they got a donation and that he divided it up and that some people would be getting more money for their scholarship. A few days later I got a check. The price raised my eyebrows and I didn't know what to make of it. I wondered if the university combined the extra scholarship money and the money that I expected for my job. I e-mailed Dr. Lion to talk to him about it, because I was certain that it shouldn't be that high. He responded to come talk to him in person (which I expected him to do). Today I talked to Dr. Lion about it - because I need to know what is income and what is scholarship.

He looked it up on his computer and said, "The figure you mentioned in the e-mail was correct."

He turned back to me as I stood by his desk and looked at his monitor. He talked a little bit about how the money was received and dividing it up, but I didn't understand, nor did I understand why he was telling me. Suffice it to say that he did mention that he didn't see me as a "nonmajor" and that he wished he could do more. I can't remember any specific words anymore, but I hope you get the idea that he really laid the compliments down.

Accepting compliments from a friend or even an acquaintance is much different than receiving such compliments and respect from someone that I look up to so much. I literally didn't know what to do. After all the practice I had with just smiling and saying thank you, that's what I did. But all the rest of the day, I didn't know how to react in front of him. He said in front of the whole elite band during rehearsal that I was playing a certain rhythm correct. Out of the whole band, he said, "Shay is doing it right." 8 trumpets. I'm not even first chair, yet he pointed me out and said that I was doing it right. I don't know how to respond to this. Things like this affect me more than I want them to, and I feel that I turn into a different person.

I believe that I can say that I am feeling the effects of being in my "prime." I can honestly say that I have never played better. My range is increasing at a rate that I never would have imagined - especially for not particularly practicing (or really any practice) to raise it. My skill, my technique, my tonguing, my endurance - everything is worlds better than I have ever done before. But I just feel that music majors do so much more and deserve the money that I was given.

But you can't have a roller coaster without the dip back down.

I recently contemplated mentioning on here that I have begun to believe that I have been healed - and didn't even know it - from the abuse in my past. The last month (or more) I have not had one problem with being with Pro Boxer. Nothing he has done has made me uncomfortable. And we aren't talking minimal contact like we have had a good portion of our marriage.

I'm not even sure what I'm expecting with being healed. I just want to be a normal person. If such a thing even exists. In any case, I had to walk a good distance in the dark - by myself. I have a very large imagination which can be problematic in such situations. I imagine myself up a nervous breakdown. After I got inside it took a few minutes until I became numb from all the anxiety that the darkness gave me. I'm 26 years old, and I still jump at the sounds in the dark. Particularly outside. When I am around people I can ignore the sounds and my imagination and be fine. But I was alone.

I experienced first hand the evilness of the world - and as such, my imaginations can be very real. I wonder if I will ever be free of this, but deep inside I feel that I never will be. Or maybe that is despair.

Well, I should be asleep. Tomorrow is another day - I'm not sure if I will start it numb or not (I still am numb - sometimes sleep cures it, sometimes not) but we'll get up and do our best in the new day. I guess that is what I'm good at.