"How are you holding up?"

My response: "Good question, I'm not sure either."

Really, I'm not sure how I'm doing.   When I am engaged in something or around people, my mood could be described as happy, especially if I like the people I'm with.  But whenever I get home or otherwise 'alone', my mood shifts dramatically and I'm just staring.  Or immersed in a book, which isn't new information if you have been following this blog for a while.  I'm always finding something to hide in - some other person's imaginary life that I can hide in so I don't have to think about mine.  I'm likely on the verge of tears constantly, but I'm trained much better than that and when I need to stop crying and go do something, the switch is almost automatic.  I just decide to be numb and then I go do the thing, and the act continues.  I'm not even sure anymore if my emotions are real or fake.  When I'm with people, is that just acting, or am I truly being amused by the situation and the statements?  I don't know anymore.  And I'm tired of the question/greeting, "How are you?"  I know they all expect me to say "Good" and even though I say something less good than "good", they still don't realize that I'm lying and if they do realize, they don't care enough to want to understand the dark anger and bitterness living within me, so they go and pretend that I am doing good, because it makes things so much simpler.  Everything is an act.

I am in the middle of an emotional break down.  People keep saying that I'll get back up, but what if I don't? "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  But what if it has been slowly killing me this whole time, and I just haven't noticed?  I haven't been getting stronger - I feel weaker by the day.  Everyone praises me for my strength - a good friend of mine didn't realize I was on the brink of tears and she said something jokingly which really did lead me to tears.  She apparently looks up to me so much that she thought that nothing could break me.  HA!  I'm apparently such a good actor that she thought that I was in a happy mood when in reality I was on the verge of breaking and her comment made me break.

And the worst part is I feel like I can't talk to my family about my problems.  I'm not sure how many of them read this blog, but even if they do, notice that I didn't mention any reasons behind my emotional break down besides the obvious, my dead son's birthday just passed and just merely the fact that my heart has been punched through so many times I'm surprised it's still beating.  Even when I tell my good friends, I feel like I'm saying things that I shouldn't be.  I'm in a cage, and I don't know how to get out of it.

Children

How is it, that kids can tell when a parent is suffering?  I guess it may merely be a sign that we know each other well.  Or maybe my face is more vulnerable than I think it is.  The other day I saw a friend walk past my house through my window, and she didn't look toward my house.  I don't know what I expected, or why that lack of a glance caused me to start feeling weird, but it somehow brought on my depression.  I know for a fact that she cares about me a great deal, it isn't like that is a problem or anything, but somehow, it just started my downward spiral of negative thoughts.  Probably stemming from the fear that I'm not all that great of a friend.

I'm not on here to explore why I felt the way I did but to talk about what happened afterward.  Goof Ball was in the room with me and I saw from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me as my face fell.  We sat across the table from each other and after a few moments, Goof Ball got off his chair and walked over to me and laid his head on my lap and wrapped his arms around me as well as he could.  I can't remember much of anything happening after that, besides the fact that my mood picked up.  I didn't stay in the depressive slump as I normally would have.

I'm not really sure how to continue this post.  Children really are amazing.  It is surprising to me how observant they are.  How much they perceive and take in.  They really are a blessing from God.  And that subject gets me into why exactly I do the things I do to try and prevent any more blessings.  Though logic tells me that I haven't done anything that would get rid of my worth, I just don't feel worth any more blessings, and so I do things (or don't do things) so that I don't get more blessings.  There is no way that I can measure up to life and His expectations, so I have just fallen down so low that I don't want to even try anymore - at least not on a spiritual level - to prove anything.

This wasn't supposed to be a depressing post...

I'm glad that I have the kids that I have and that they are good for me.  Bug always used to cheer me up when I was down too.  He still does.  His habit (if you can call it that) lately is to put his arm around me and pat my back.  He's getting so big that eventually his arm will reach around my whole back.  I wonder if that would make me cry or not...

Autumn Sky is so beautiful

Or maybe it is the contrast between the vibrant blue and yellow leaves, yet I just am in awe every time I see it.  I still can't quite figure out the difference between the color of the sky between the seasons, but it seems to be different somehow, more radiant, more beautifully blue.  I saw it today in the calm before the wind picked up and a rain storm ensued.

I wonder why, in one of the most colorful/beautiful seasons, all the plants are dying.  Is this God trying to tell us that death is beautiful, or just depressing because everything is turning an ugly brown?

I'm sorry I have been MIA for the past few months.  I have had a lot of emotional problems, and sad to say, because of concerned comments from my family (parents especially), I have been hesitant to talk about my problems on here, and use this as a personal counseling session as it has previously been.  I wonder if the lack of this has been making my problems worse, I'm not sure.  Family.  Friends.  Know this:  No matter how ******y my life gets, I will never EVER even think of committing suicide.  My faith is strong enough still (don't ask me how) that I have a sure knowledge that if I end up doing such a thing, my life will be much more crappy after I die than it would ever be down here, so I may as well suck it up and just keep going.  No matter how depressed or negative I get, suicide just isn't an option for me.  It never will be.

Another possible reason for my lack of posts may be the fact that I just haven't had as strong a testimony as I previously have.  In fact, it has been so bad that going back to look at previous posts of mine right after Little Angel died made me almost feel the need to throw up, they are so full of faith and happy gospel goodness that I just couldn't handle it.  Seeing where I am now, I wonder how I ever was that way before.  Yet I was, I haven't deleted any posts, you can go look for yourself.  Knowing that I used to be that way, I suppose I haven't wanted to disappoint my family/parents by letting them know just how bad off I was - in this regard.

I'm really tired.  My head really REALLY hurts.  I may be coming down with a cold.  I need to go sleep.  But I wanted you to know that I'm still kickin'.  Somehow.  I have really great friends, and though I don't understand why, they keep saying to me that I'm really great and one of the nicest people that they know, and blah blah blah compliment blah.  It's really strange that for someone who really doesn't believe that she has any worth, still works herself sick to prove that she is worth something.

I'm thinking of taking a bath before I go to bed.  Maybe that will help.

Then again... maybe not.  Baths can't revive the dead.