Or maybe it is the contrast between the vibrant blue and yellow leaves, yet I just am in awe every time I see it. I still can't quite figure out the difference between the color of the sky between the seasons, but it seems to be different somehow, more radiant, more beautifully blue. I saw it today in the calm before the wind picked up and a rain storm ensued.
I wonder why, in one of the most colorful/beautiful seasons, all the plants are dying. Is this God trying to tell us that death is beautiful, or just depressing because everything is turning an ugly brown?
I'm sorry I have been MIA for the past few months. I have had a lot of emotional problems, and sad to say, because of concerned comments from my family (parents especially), I have been hesitant to talk about my problems on here, and use this as a personal counseling session as it has previously been. I wonder if the lack of this has been making my problems worse, I'm not sure. Family. Friends. Know this: No matter how ******y my life gets, I will never EVER even think of committing suicide. My faith is strong enough still (don't ask me how) that I have a sure knowledge that if I end up doing such a thing, my life will be much more crappy after I die than it would ever be down here, so I may as well suck it up and just keep going. No matter how depressed or negative I get, suicide just isn't an option for me. It never will be.
Another possible reason for my lack of posts may be the fact that I just haven't had as strong a testimony as I previously have. In fact, it has been so bad that going back to look at previous posts of mine right after Little Angel died made me almost feel the need to throw up, they are so full of faith and happy gospel goodness that I just couldn't handle it. Seeing where I am now, I wonder how I ever was that way before. Yet I was, I haven't deleted any posts, you can go look for yourself. Knowing that I used to be that way, I suppose I haven't wanted to disappoint my family/parents by letting them know just how bad off I was - in this regard.
I'm really tired. My head really REALLY hurts. I may be coming down with a cold. I need to go sleep. But I wanted you to know that I'm still kickin'. Somehow. I have really great friends, and though I don't understand why, they keep saying to me that I'm really great and one of the nicest people that they know, and blah blah blah compliment blah. It's really strange that for someone who really doesn't believe that she has any worth, still works herself sick to prove that she is worth something.
I'm thinking of taking a bath before I go to bed. Maybe that will help.
Then again... maybe not. Baths can't revive the dead.
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