I feel as if that describes what I'm going through a lot lately.
It certainly is a journey. And I'm not entirely certain how far I have gone, or how much longer I have to go, or if it will ever end. I was asked today by someone I just met officially for the first time, "So how are you?"
I responded like any other polite person who knows how it is socially acceptable to respond to such a question by the simple word, "Good."
"Just good?" was his reaction to my possible half lie.
"What else am I supposed to be?"
Truthfully, I was quite good at that time. But naturally that's just the on the surface. Deeper down there are some troubling questions that I'm dealing with and trying to find the answers for. But no one wants to discuss those over a delicious meal of sushi, so I didn't bring it up. Plus, I just met the guy. I wasn't about to go into all the secrets of my "wonderful" life with him, because it would have been a life story kind of thing if I would have allowed myself to think deeper than surface level.
But here I can be honest. (sorta) Right now, I'm not sure how I feel about things. Honest. Before, there was a lot of anger, hatred, and all other sorts of emotions directed at a lot of people that I once said I loved. It's been a rough year, I'm not gonna lie. I wasn't even sure if I could trust myself or my own emotions at one point. I've been hurt intentionally and unintentionally by people who I should have been able to rely on. I haven't even known who in my family I was "allowed" to talk about it, so I had no outlet except anonymous blogs. My life has not been a nice walk through the park, smelling the roses, people. And like I said, this past year has been especially hard, because everything that I had once known or believed in switched completely, turning everything upside-down.
Many of those fierce emotions have died down considerably. Things still may have to be talked about when I'm finally able to talk about them. I was talking to a friend about this earlier today, and he said something to the effect of: "You have to be able to rely on yourself. No one has your interests as the number one priority other than yourself. Like yourself, and accept yourself." Now my devoutly religious friends will claim that God or Jesus or whatever deity they choose will be as devoted to my interests and needs as I am, or more so, but right now, I'm not sure how much I believe that. So what my friend told me really resonated with me. I've never liked myself. Often, I downright hate myself.
But what he said really made sense. Even my loving husband, no matter how self-giving and how much he cares for me, there may be times when he forgets something, or he may not be around when I need him. I need to learn how to care for myself, and have an interest in caring for myself, because no one else around me will tend to my needs as well as me. It's kind of depressing, but also kind of liberating. And it is what I have been working on anyway. Mainly with kempo, but also in other ways. I can kind of see my frame of mind changing as the days and months press on. I honestly can't think of the last time that I truly hated myself. I look down on myself, and I still struggle with accepting compliments without laughing it off, rolling my eyes, or denying it, but I can't think of the last time that I've honestly hated myself.
Things still need to happen. I still need to discuss things with people directly involved with these issues. But in general, I think I can finally, truthfully say, "I'm good." when people ask me how I am. I may not be fantastic, or wonderful, or any thing other than good. But really, when it comes to me, "good" is pretty darn good. Good means that I'm finding a way to live my life despite all the shit that I've had to deal with. And that, friends, is a mini miracle in its own right.
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