Can I have some?

welcome to my blog.

a place to post. a place to eat oreos. a place to vent. a place to heal.

i started this blog so i could use a different outlet besides munching on fattening oreos. as if that has done any good... *mind wanders to oreo package in the house...*

then i realized that oreos can be semi symbolic. if you are are that crazy about oreos that is. which... i am.

eating oreos is therapeutic for me. when i am struggling or when i need a pick me up. they have chocolate. and sugar. both of which help lift my mood. not to mention that i eat them soaked with milk, which is my miracle drink.

i post my posts to not only get stuff out. there may be people who read my blog who have been in the same kind of situations as i have. i hope reading them and knowing that others have gone through things like i have, will be to you what eating oreos does to me.

and yes. i didn't capitalize anything in here. i just felt like it. deal with it.

munch up.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

The Effect of Loss

This may be a bit of a rambled post because I'm not sure how to organize my thoughts. But if you're not used to that by now, I don't know when you will be.

Snort's arrival filled up our already bursting house, so we ended up moving. It's been almost a month, so most of the important things have been taken out of boxes. But lots of things are still packed up. I just can't get the motivation to unpack things because, well, it was a lot of rush and stress and a multitude of other things to get the stuff packed up in the first place. Add on the worry and responsibilities and all the other things that went into selling--and buying--houses was ... well it was a bit much. Still recovering. Eventually I'll get there but for now, I'm resting. Plus it's hard to convince myself to unpack things when there is general clutter and mess from just us living here in the first place. Garbage is hanging out everywhere, why would I want to add to the clutter by taking more things out of boxes?

That's all just preliminary stuff. Mainly I want to talk about Snort. I read my previous post so I'm going to try and not repeat things too much.

To say it simply, it's been... different... this having another baby in the family thing. Once upon a time when I couldn't get a baby to calm down, I would say things like "It's okay, it's okay, you're not gonna die." It only took me a few times saying that to Snort before I realized that I couldn't really promise that. Rapper has reacted interestingly when I would hesitate saying that. He said that it's kinda sad. Which I guess it kind of is. My new catchphrase (if you can call it that) is, "A crying baby is an alive baby, and I'm okay with that." Earlier today while Snort was sleeping, Bug said, "The baby's dead!" I responded instantly, "Not a good joke." Then you could see the light bulb turn on in his head, and there was kind of an awkward silence in the room after that.

In general, it's just been different. Yes, there are those few times when I peek over just to check and see if Snort is breathing while he's sleeping. But it's more than that, and I'm not sure I can explain it well enough (have I mentioned how frustrating that is for me?).

Rapper and I are more relaxed with Snort. With our other three boys, whenever they made the slightest upset sound or right when they started crying, we would put all our efforts into calming them down. It was really stressful. With Snort, he starts crying, and I may check to make sure nothing is wrong, but then let him sort it out on his own. Unless I know for sure that he's hungry or needs a diaper change or whatever. I'm sure this is a normal thing for most parents. I know for a fact that there are those memes or videos or whatever of how parents parent a first child vs a third or fourth. It takes us silly adults a long time to realize just how tough babies are. If they can survive new parents, they can survive anything.

It's also different because I seem to cherish Snort more. Maybe I cherished the other ones just as much and memories have disappeared, but there are times when I just hold him and stare. I may have taken more pictures when Bug was this age, and maybe I still cherished him just as much. But there's just something to interacting without a screen between us.

I'm noticing the little things. Times when he seems to want to be sitting up, even though he doesn't quite have complete control of his neck yet. I notice that he recently found his hands and his tongue. He spits his tongue out a lot. I hope I can get a picture of that. I did get a picture of his pout which is absolutely adorable! So excited I got that captured. Even though I have two other (living) boys, it's almost like it's just me and Snort. Because Bug and Goof Ball are at school all day. It's almost like having a first child again, but I'm older and wiser now, so I can relax and let Snort do his thing rather than worry about... well, everything. I used to have when milestones should show up (first time rolling over, sitting, crawling, etc...) memorized and stressed over it. But even though I'm encouraging him to strengthen his neck/back muscles and get him to roll over, I'm not worried that he might be behind. We got him a play mat thing with arches that connect to the corners and dangle toys. Always wanted to get one of those for my kids. He doesn't seem much interested in toys yet. He's almost there. He (accidentally) transferred a ball from one hand to the other today. You know those mesh-like looking balls with all the circles? Easier for little fingers that don't know what they're doing yet to grab onto.

I'm not gonna say I cherish every moment. I'm still a selfish person, after all, and there are times that are just hard because I'd rather do almost anything else than feed the baby or change another diaper. But, as sad as it may be to say it... I'm loving him, adoring him, studying him, as if I'm going to lose him. I really don't remember much about Little Angel, and that saddens me. Granted, I only had him for a week less than two months. But I've had Snort for about three and a half, and I imagine I may remember more about Snort if he were to die than I do about Little Angel.

As backward as it may seem, loss makes us more aware and grateful for what we have, and makes us better appreciate the little things.

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