Sometimes I feel like I have been spoiled all my life. Sure I'm a younger kid in the line, and supposedly, the younger ones get a bit more spoiled than the older ones. Not that I particularly feel like my parents gave me special treatment or anything. They did their best to prepare me for living in a world without them. It isn't their fault that I ignored (or at least tried to) everything they tried to teach me because I was lazy then and took everything for granted. I mean I literally took everything for granted.
I love reading. I love the experience I get from jumping into a world and living a life so different than my own. I love writing in my own world that flys to my fingertips when I sit at a computer and type. In fact, I love the joy and exhilaration of doing such things so much that it frustrates me when I get pulled away from them. When I have to wake up and live my own life. Wake up, Shay. Wake up and change the laundry, wash dishes, and clean up messes from three boys plus yourself.
I just don't have the self discipline to do such things. So I let the world around me go to waste as I live the world inside of the book that I am reading/writing whatever the case. When I am forced from that world I experience in my mind, as I said, I get frustrated and sometimes feel unruly anger fill me directed at my kids (as they are the most common distraction). Meals become drudgery and I can't wait until I can get back into the book. I stay awake for hours and hours (last night I didn't go to sleep until 2) without feeling tired, for I am living in a different world.
When I get to the end of a series or story I feel empty inside and long to dive into a new one. You wouldn't believe how many mangas I am following right now, waiting for one more chapter, just one more chapter. Some stories influence me so much that I sometimes feel like I am living in that world even when the book isn't in front of me. I find myself thinking things that the characters would think. My dreams become overruled by the stories.
Maybe there is something wrong with my brain.
Every once in a while I start thinking and wondering to myself. I wonder why I can't stop reading to take care of my house/family. Is this some sort of addiction? Am I just trying to avoid feeling something that I am not consciously aware that I am avoiding? I have already learned that when I begin to feel numb, I turn to books to try to erase the existence of 'Shay.' So what is it? How possible is it that everything I read is so good that I get lost inside the story, so lost in fact that I don't even want to return?
With all these doubts and thoughts, it is inevitable then that I start to question my worth as a wife, a mother, a person. If all my actions are pointing to wanting to disappear into books, then wouldn't it just be easier to believe that that is all I am worth?
I feel like I'm rambling. Very possible and understandable (in my opinion and as this is my blog, you get to read my opinion... I pity you...)
I don't know what to do with myself. I know there are lots of responsibilities at being home owners that I am neglecting. There are things that I should be doing even if we were living in apartments. Laundry. Dishes. The 'everyday.' I feel like I am in a slump that I can't get out of. Reading, writing, causing myself to disappear and lose track of time... it really is like being part of a story. You know those dimension traveling novels/series where the time travels differently? Narnia for example. When I read or even work on my own story, that actually happens. Time travels faster in this world where you all live, and all of the sudden the spell breaks and I look at the clock to realize that it is 2 in the afternoon and I hadn't even fed the kids lunch. (what about your hunger pains, Shay? - I don't have them. End of story.)
Is this normal? Am I going insane? Should I try harder to not get sucked into the black hole of books so that I can face the thing I may or may not be trying to avoid?
When I start questioning these sorts of things, my self worth, what little of it there was, disappears and the only thing I can do to live is to bury myself inside the stories of others once again.
Why does everything have to be an endless cycle of doom?
2 comments:
Normal? Yes, I think so. Healthy? No, not really.
You'll feel more self-worth and accomplishment as you do the 'everyday' -- Maintaining a clean house, exercising, eating healthy, dealing with kids... Yeah, of course, all the things you don't want to do. ;)
But when you see what a wonderful difference DOing those things makes, it'll make you not want to disappear into books so much.
We will be accountable for what we do with our time here on THIS world. It won't matter what we do in any other.
I agree with the first comment. It may not be easy, but it IS possible.
One idea would be to use your books as a reward for doing the things you should be doing. After getting everyone ready for the day and breakfast cleaned up, enjoy ONE chapter. After taking the kids to the park or other quality time with them, reward yourself by reading for 10 minutes. Keeping limits on your reward will give you more practice in self-discipline!
Other thoughts:
1. Work on one thing at a time.
2. Recognize and rejoice in small accomplishments. While doing laundry, say to yourself, "I'm taking care of my family." The positive thinking can spawn motivation.
2. Continually petition the Lord for help. He can add strength to your efforts and He can even help you know what to focus on.
Remember you are of infinite worth and are the center of the universe to 3 wonderful people in your home. I will be praying for you!
I must add one of my favorite quotes by Heber J. Grant:
"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do - not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased." (This was often quoted by Pres. Grant and is sometimes attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson.)
As you get started, and persist in it, your power to do will increase, and you will feel better. Sounds like a cycle of increasing happiness and success!!! I know you can do it!
I love you!
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