So, this will be somewhat random. But I suppose if you have stuck with me so far, you are probably used to that.
It's pretty funny how once school is out, I loose all track of what day it is. Almost instantly.
Being a primary teacher in my ward is an interesting experience. There are rowdy kids, there are more quiet kids, and there are kids that sit and listen, and even contribute to the lesson by answering questions. Some kids shift jobs depending on the day. Our rowdiest kids when we first became the teachers sometimes answer the questions now and listen to the lesson. But that often depends on the day.
One of the hardest parts of my job is I never seem to know when I have done an ounce of good. Sure I can go and sit next to a seemingly dejected student during the sharing time and rub a back. But how I am to know if it did any good? Especially when a child has a personality that refuses to show weakness or love or really anything but hate? One of my biggest problems, I think, is... well I have conversations with people in my head all the time. Sometimes when I am praying or trying to search for an answer, I am not certain if I am just simply having a pretended conversation with God or if I am having a real one. I just don't know how to tell if I am getting revelation or not. I can say that I have a "feeling" that this child needs me, she scratches herself pulling skin off for crying out loud. I have no idea if she is dealing with similar pain as myself, but well... there are signs.
I don't know how much I should say, but whatever the case, I wish I could know, know for certain, if I'm actually gaining revelation or if I'm just pretending to talk to God. It is well... you could maybe call it a habit of mine to talk with someone in my mind, answering the way I think they would answer. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with my mind.
All that aside, I hear a little elf stopped by today. I have yet to see what he brought, but Pro Boxer said that they were gift cards. The elf just happened to be our bishop. I'm glad that we can get more things for the kids than we did about a week ago. Yet I am also somewhat depressed like I am whenever I get blessed like that.
Which brings me (see, it isn't random!) to the next topic.
I prayed again on my knees. My own little personal prayer sent directly to Heavenly Father. There's that word. Father. I literally feel like a piece of trash thrown off at the side of the road to lie with the butts that people throw out of their cars. Or as I felt on the trip home from the bowl game, like a burned black ugly old building on the outskirts of happy valley. I, broken, burned up little ol' me, is not worthy to call God, Father. Call it irrational if you must. This is how I feel. And this is what my prayer pretty much was about. I was sobbing on the ground realizing that this is how I feel. I honestly don't feel worthy enough to have the blessing to call Him Father. I just don't. I don't deserve to be called daughter by Him. Despite all my depression, I have been able to see his blessings. I honestly have. But whenever I get blessed, it makes me feel all the more unworthy. It is a bit of a conundrum, but there you have it. I really don't know what to do with myself. Some survivors of abuse lash out at others longing deep inside for someone to come and love them despite their hateful attitude. I don't do that. I don't know if you could say that I physically abuse myself (though picking all the loose skin and scabs on my nose could possibly count). Me? I go inside. When I feel left out and want to join in, I just can't. I am too quiet, too shy, and just too darn un-opinionated to be able to join in. So I curl up and become invisible, numbing myself to the pain of being left out. I hurt myself, yes. I am aware of that. I abuse myself emotionally. I suppose having an awareness of it is the first step. But coming to the realization that I don't feel worthy to call God Father was an interesting one. It explains a lot of things. And realizing that, I think it is finally time to have another meeting with the bishop.
I'm working on it. I'm trying. Though half-hearted it may seem to others, I still am working.
One of these days I'll beat you, Satan. And maybe when that day comes I'll feel sorry for you. Maybe I already do. Hanging around here without a body with everyone else with one must not be a very happy situation for you. But one of these days I'll beat you. Because I believe deep down inside there is someone stronger than you, and I'm turning to Him. No matter how unworthy you help me feel.
2 comments:
I know your post all led to your thoughts on God being your Father, and even while you don't feel worthy to call Him so, you seem to know it, which makes me feel like there is nothing more to say. Keep up your battle to not feel unworthy! You can do it, and remember that everything is done little by little.
The real reason for my comment is about helping the little girl in your class. You may be the best person to see those signs. Many of us who have never dealt with abuse on a personal, or family, level would like to happily stick our heads in the sand and hope that it never happens. You may not "know" anything, but if you have reason to suspect please tell somebody. In the hopes that she was just having a bad day I don't think you need to go too far, but let the Primary President know, or the Bishop, that you see some of the same signs in her that you exhibited. Then they can also watch, and if more signs are seen they can call in the right people to talk with. With more people watching it will be easier to spot, you just may need to be the one to get others to watch with you.
Cherish those moments when the kids seem to get it, they are the best in life. Love you Shay!
Hey Sis,
I'm proud of you for your prayer and your realization. When we approach God, often He teaches us about ourselves so that we can develop a more mature relationship with Him. And don't worry that your progress is slow as you call it, or even seemingly half-hearted. The changes most likely to endure are those that take place over a long period with prolonged effort. So hang in there!
And you're right - you will beat Satan. I've learned that when I'm dealing with negative thoughts, sometimes the best thing is to remember that they come from Satan. Once I realize that, I can refuse to let him have any influence on me.
You have more strength than you know, dear sis! Looking forward to seeing you soon!
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