Agency

The ability to choose.

It's a tough call isn't it? I can't imagine a life where I wouldn't be able to choose anything. Being told what to do every day every second of my life... I can't even picture it. Naturally it would be better if we all had the chance to choose, right?

But some people choose bad things. Some people decide that they want to take the agency of others. I have experienced that. I guess I may have some sort of idea what the world would be like if I couldn't choose.

So what is it? There is no grey... it is black and white. Should everyone be given the ability to choose (though some people may choose to use others and take away their agency) or not allow anyone to choose? I'm here on earth. Which leads to the fact that it is obvious what choice I made. (people not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you can find out what I'm talking about here: mormon.org) I choose for everyone to be able to choose. It is hard to say what happened before we all came here. Did we all have an idea of what our life would be like before we decided to vote for agency or not?

I met with my bishop again yesterday. Among discussing what realizations I had come to in the past few months or so, I also went to renew my temple recommend. When I first walked in, I had forgotten what I went in to talk to him about. But sometime in the middle of the interview, I remembered that I wanted to tell him about how I didn't feel worthy enough to be a child of God. I discussed this on here a few posts or so ago. As we talked, I realized that no only do I not feel that, but I also don't think it. I understand the concept. I believe/think whatever - that us humans are spirit children of Heavenly Father. Somehow along the way I took myself out of that equation. I see everyone else as children, but not me. Yes, I know that is quite hypocritical. Sitting there, talking (or more like listening... he talks a lot ^_^) to my bishop, I realized that I didn't know. Not only did I not feel it, but I didn't know in my mind that I am a child of God.

This morning, I think I realized why I was fighting knowing it so much. Because if it is true, that I'm a daughter of God, then why did I have to experience the things that I did? I couldn't understand how I could both be a child of God and still be used and abused and walked all over as I have. In my mind, it turned into a give/take thing. If my worth is that much, then why was I treated like that?

Some things my bishop said to me yesterday were very like things that I knew to be in my patriarchal blessing (as members of the LDS church, we have the choice to receive a blessing that tells us about ourselves and the responsibilities that we have on the earth). I'm not going to share them on here. This is a little too public a place for such things. However, it became apparent to me as I read my blessing again this morning that I wouldn't be able to fulfill my responsibilities without having to go through what I have.

For example: Jesus Christ had specific responsibilities that he needed to fulfill on the earth. Bringing about the salvation of all men by enduring the consequences of all our sins and sorrows. All of us. That is a lot of pain. Even the pain and consequences of my own sins I wouldn't be able to handle it. He endured that for everyone. Christ has been through our lives. My mind can't comprehend the process. But because Christ has felt what we felt, has experienced our pain and sorrow, He is someone who can fully understand and comprehend us. If we go to Him, He can help us overcome our problems, because he has done it as well.

It's kind of like my situation. I can't help the people I need to help unless I "go through the motions." For me to be able to help who I need to help, I need to experience the pain first. It makes sense, right? Someone who hasn't been abused can't really comprehend or fully help someone who has been abused. Depending on their personality, they can accept the person, but they won't really know how to help them.

It isn't particularly a pleasant thought, but at least knowing this, it may help me with that next step. With this explanation, I can understand how the two can coexist. A daughter of God, and extreme pain and sorrow. Who knows? Maybe I have already accepted the idea just by writing this post. But I can't explore that idea on here anymore. My kids are up and waiting for breakfast.

Have a nice Monday.