So. I have a few minutes. Let me think about a few highlights to catch up my dedicated readers who've kept checking despite the lack of updates.
I'll go backwards, hoping that will jog my memory.
January:
Not too bad a month. Corner Band started rehearsing again after the Christmas break for the concert in March. I started homeschooling Bug (that deserves a post all unto itself...). I've been trying to find time between all the busyness to revise the novel I wrote in November. I've found that I am much more productive when I can get out of the house, usually to a cafe, to get writing done, but with Bug being home and needing me to help with his school stuff, I can only really do it during the weekend now. Going to church is hard. I still am not quite sure why. I think I'm lying to myself or making up excuses just so I don't have to dig deeper to try and find out exactly what it is about church that is making me uncomfortable there. Sundays are depressing. I come home from church depressed, and that's even after I've already skipped the classes and only went to Sacrament meeting for my calling. Oh, I also lost my assistant conductor, so now I can't take every other month off. Unless, of course, they eventually call another one... my assistant went to a mission in California with her husband. I'll miss them, but I think it's only a year mission. Oh, also, Goof Ball lost his first tooth on the first day of this month/year. I didn't even know it was loose until the party on the 31st, and it was so loose that even a small touch from me made it move nearly out. So I convinced Goof Ball to let me pull it out, and it didn't even take all that much persuasion to get the tooth out*. I'll have to post pictures later.
December:
Was. Hard. So hard, I'm kind of surprised I got through it as "smoothly" as I did. I can't really remember how I've survived December in years past, but I don't remember it being as hard as it was this time 'round. Nearing Little Angel's death date, my mood turned darker and darker. In years past, I don't remember that happening nearly as much. It was more like "oh, it's coming up, isn't it?" but other than random thoughts like that, I didn't brood on it like like I did this year. My only thought as to why it was so hard this time is because of the kicking spree I had the year before on Little Angel's birthday. I didn't feel the need to do it again this year, though I didn't have Shorinji Kempo on his birthday, but I didn't even feel like I needed it. And I think I really only have Kempo to thank for it. It's changed me in ways I didn't even really expect. I'm more relaxed. More comfortable with myself and my life. Well, that may need a post unto itself too. Whatever the case, I think I may be able to safely say, that December 2014 was the darkest December.
November:
This month was fantastic. And I don't say that lightly. Truthfully, any month from October to December (the small lifespan that my son had) is usually just painful. But this year, I dedicated myself to writing. There's this thing called NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) where writers rally together and pledge that they'll write a whole novel in the month of November. That's 50k words. Or to put it in non-writer terms, about 200 pages double space. This is the month where I really realized how beneficial it is for me to get out of the house to write. I wouldn't have been able to do it without my now favorite cafe and their nummy potato soup and endless supply of Dr Pepper. Also, I had told one of the workers there about my goal and every time we ran into each other, I would update him and he would cheer me on. And I'm proud (and not the least bit squirmish) to say that I made it. I wrote a whole novel (plus) in 30 days. I think my final total by the end of the month was around 57k or so. I reached the 50k mark before Thanksgiving, even. Truthfully, the novel's not actually "finished" because the wrap up at the end isn't there. But man, did it feel good to just dedicate myself whole-heartedly to something so monumental. Pretty sure it was one of the first truly overwhelming goals that I've made for myself and actually accomplished it.
October:
Wasn't all that bad. The approach of Little Angel's birthday wasn't something that really depressed or angered me like it had before. I think that's partly attributed to the growth I've had through Shorinji Kempo, and partly attributed to the kicking spree I mentioned above (and below - I'm fairly certain I posted about asking Sensei to let me kick on Little Angel's birthday the year before - 2013). My first theory was that in 2013, I finally allowed myself to actually feel and work through all the pent up anger that Little Angel's death had given me. I literally kicked that pad as hard as I could until I collapsed. This year, I didn't even feel the need for it, though I would have welcomed it. I've never lost the love I have for kicking to get frustrations and other things out (and in fact, I forgot to mention that Pro Boxer got me a punching bag for Christmas. Smiles all around). But this year, like I said, it didn't seem like something I needed. I believe that I faced his birthday not depressed, not angry, maybe sad, but I didn't actually feel the need to cry until I posted the pictures on Bacefook and tried to put my complicated emotions to words.
Little story I want to document: When I went to the store to get the balloons, I ran into Sensei. He had his kids with him, and we chatted for a bit. I told him that I was getting Little Angel's balloons and that we let them fly every year on his birthday, one balloon for each year. After we parted and I got home with the balloons, we had a little text conversation. Sensei lives on higher ground than I do, and he said to let him know when we would let them go and he'd keep an eye out for them with his kids. In the end, he couldn't see them, which I kind of expected, but it was a nice gesture that I appreciated more than I thought I would.
September:
Let's see... things are getting somewhat hazy now. I believe this is the month that I let my nephew stay with us. He's been having a hard time, and we thought we might be able to help him if he stayed with us. So we went through the process, put our trust in the fact that he had been doing better and that we might be able to help him. I also had the hope that if he could just stay with us long enough and go to Shorinji Kempo with me, it would help him like it helped me. It only lasted a few weeks before we had to send him away. I'm being specifically vague, because he's not my child, and even though I have every right to tell my story, I don't want to infringe on my brother's family's story. Suffice it to say that my nephew's actions gave me the worst panic attack I have ever had, which is saying something. I had screamed so hard and loud that I woke Pro Boxer up - he was upstairs, I was downstairs. I screamed so loud that I popped blood vessels around my eyes. In my head, I combined what happened to me as a child with what my nephew did. The combined pain from them both... I was me, but I wasn't me. I was the hurt child inside of me, and nothing Pro Boxer could have done would have released me until my fit was over. Thankfully, and as always, he did what I appreciate the most. He stayed with me and held my hand.
Summer months:
I don't really remember much about them at all. They were summer months that slipped by slowly, and yet too fast at the same time. My parents came back from their mission in the end of .... July? August? I guess I can't even remember that. I think it was July. Other summer recollections I can't *ahem...* recall. Oh! I think it was this summer when Goof Ball started wetting the bed, and just downright not going pee where he's supposed to anymore. We still haven't got him to re-revert into a non wetting the bed kind of kid. And we've kind of given up for a bit, because we were so frustrated that we were moving into shaming him and other not so good things and I decided to take a step back and just deal with it for a bit, or until I thought of something that might help better than other things we've tried. So we're still dealing with that. I'm getting awfully tired of changing his bed sheets and washing them every day.
So there you have it. These days I'm feeling weak and dizzy, and I have suspicions that it is because of my heart and the strange palpitations that I've had all my life. I have an appointment with my doctor coming up, and I actually went to the Instacare last Friday. The general doctor there couldn't tell me anything that I haven't already known. Yes. I know my heartbeat is regular, yet inconsistent (which is what he told me - or relatively close to what he told me). What brought me to the doctor was because I had been feeling dizzy and weak for over a week. He told me that it wasn't exactly ER material, which is what I had been worrying about, but that I should probably try and get the earliest appointment with a cardiologist and also check up with my primary doctor. Well, primary doctor appointment already scheduled, and from whatever he has to say, I'll decide if we need to go the cardiologist route. Pro Boxer (who has a different job now... still at the same place, but different duties, but I haven't been able to come up with a new name for him yet) suspects that maybe I just have some kind of bug or something of the sort. I've been trying my best despite the weakness to eat better, in case that has affected it, as well as water (though I haven't been trying nearly as hard with that ... water.... ick!).
I guess that's all I have to say, and at the very least, I'll try and remember to update ya'll on here after I learn more about heart/health stuffs.
No comments:
Post a Comment