Job Search

All my nerves are with Rocket Scientist today. With us planning on moving, he is now currently out looking for a job. I wish him well.

Aaaaaand..... that is about all I can post about now...

*taps desk nervously...

Reminisce with me

Hearing Bug sing "Twinkle twinkle little star" just barely reminded me of how he used to sing it. I'll post it on here just for the fun of it. :)

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.

(repeat last four lines many, many, MANY times)

It brought a smile to your face, right? Come on, admit it. :)

Weekend

Visiting family this weekend. Thoroughly enjoying ourselves. We looked at houses, and fell in love with the first one we saw. Trying to deal with all the issues that causes... making an offer, job finding, all that good stuff.

Bug has been feeling rotten this weekend. He has a pretty rotten cough and a sore throat to boot. I'm worried about strep, but we will be going to the doctor tomorrow if it still continues. We've been giving him disolvable cough strips the past few days. He stayed home from church today and I stayed with him. When he feels rotten he has an even more intense mommy complex than he already has. What can I say? I breed "momma's boys".

Heading back home tonight after eating with the fam. Hoping of not spreading Bug's cough, but how can you tell a four year old that he can't play with the cousins that he hardly ever sees?

Anyway, we are still alive, life is good, and we are still kickin'. Hoping to get that house we saw, getting a job, not spreading sickness, and that Bug will get well soon. Wish us luck. :)

How could I?

How could I have forgotten you so long?
And now I'm singing this same, sad song.
Please forgive me of my wrong.

How could I turn my back on a friend,
Even though your loving spirit you always send,
And you'll be with me 'til the end.

Oh Lord I know you're with me every single day,
But sometimes it seems so easy to forget.
So I hope that you'll have mercy and accept my humble prayer,
Please don't give up on me yet.

How could I forget that you over all,
As I stumble, as I fall, please help me to stand tall.

Oh Lord I know you're with me every single day,
But sometimes it seems so easy to forget.
So I hope that you'll have mercy and accept my humble prayer,
Please don't give up on me yet.

How could I be so blind as not to see,
All the blessings that you've given me?

Oh Lord I know you're with me every single day,
But sometimes it seems so easy to forget.
So I hope that you'll have mercy and accept my humble prayer,
Please don't give up on me yet.

This song is written and sung by Ryan Shupe. Though that is true, frequently this song reflects my situation as I'm sure it does with many people.

I just thought I'd post another post letting you all know that I'm surviving.

Thanks for everything.

Today

I know I have a bunch of worried readers out there, mainly consisting of my family. I will get to that later. But first... good news!!

Today I picked up all the toys (the fact that they are littering the floor currently is irrelevant), gloves, bottles, and dirty clothes from the front room; swept the kitchen floor; washed dishes and put them in the dishwasher; wiped off the table and counters and stove top; soaked coil things and drip pans (they are still in the sink waiting for me to get to them); and also edited two chapters of my story. All before 2!!

It feels like all my muscles are sore and my back aches. Not the usual sharp pain causing me to fall over, but just the normal "I used it too long and too hard" kind of soreness. Laundry needs to be done, but for the most part, I feel like I deserve the rice crispy treats that I am currently craving.

Now for my promised "getting to the tough topic" update.

I feel like it is good news, but you may take from it what you will.

Though I am having a hard time trusting, I still know and have a firm belief in God. Don't get me wrong here. I know that if anyone in this blasted world will get me through the hard times, He will. I still haven't forgotten the amazing months after my son died. Yes, I said amazing. I got through them only through the power of God. I was in many prayers, many thoughts and I was being prayed for in many temples. I'm not saying that I am not now, but I know that I got through those months because of the faith of others, and the faith of my own.

I have always had a very positive outlook concerning death. I think I have been blessed with a greater knowledge in regards to the plan of salvation. Death never had made me sad, on the contrary, I was almost jealous of anyone who had died. That was before my son died. And yes, I am sad. But I am sad for me, not for him. I'm so selfish and spoiled that I am sad and sometimes angered that my son isn't with me now. But I know that he is well cared for and he is blessing lives in the second life.

I also know that I must live righteously to be able to live with him and raise him again. I feel I am doing my best. My trust has been hampered, but I still know where I need to go to gain peace. I have had such spiritual moments where I felt like I was just a sliver away from seeing angelic beings. I never really had, though if I had, it was when I was very very young.

That isn't the matter at hand right now though. Suffice it to say that I am just having a faith re-establishing time in my life. I'm working on it. I'm trying to find time to read scriptures and gain the courage to pray again. I also believe that every time I try and take another step back to the path, Satan hits harder again. I'm trying to find in me what everyone sees when they say "you are so strong". As of now, I feel like I can't beat Satan, and though I know I can with the Lord's help, I need to find more courage and strength in myself to deal with the times when I can't feel the Lord's help as easily.

I'm trying. I'm trying to not distract myself with worldy things. I'm trying to arm myself again so I can withstand the difficult times. I am trying. Do not despair or think that I am finally beaten. Far from it. I am rallying my forces again. Satan can't take me down that easily.

Sundays are just.... hard.

I'm struggling.

I know you all know that.

I try to not post about it a lot, because I know it is depressing to read. Heck, it is depressing to feel.

There were two days almost in a row (and maybe they really were, but I can't really remember) where I felt scared. I was alone, with my two boys, and I felt horribly, sickeningly, terrified.

The first of these two days I prayed for help. I knew I couldn't survive on my own and would almost collapse with fear had I not had some sort of help. It was granted almost instantly. Peace filled my heart and soul, and I was content.

The second wasn't quite as wonderful. Well, to say it bluntly, it stunk. I know in whom I trust and who I should go to when times are hard. I did so again on this second of days when I was terrified. I prayed for help and peace. Nothing came. I prayed again. And again. And again.

My heart was screaming for release while my tummy felt like it was going to roll over and come out my throat. Nothing came.

Satan has been working on me good. I'm not going to say that this was the start of my problems. More like this is the peak of my problems. I'm struggling with faith. I'm struggling with trust. How can I believe in "every once in a while"? I feel like I'm not important enough to Him to get help when I need it.

Why would He help me one day when the next day I need help, I'm ignored?

I don't know if I am wanting answers from you. Or really what I need. (Though I do know what I do NOT need. If you have something hateful to say, keep it to yourself. I have enough crap in my life and if you want to crap on someone, crap on yourself.)

I just thought, that if you are reading this, and dealing with the crap that I'm posting, you may as well should have some sort of explanation.

Sundays are hard.

I have to go to church and be a "good Mormon girl" so as not to arise suspicion and make people ask questions. So I sit in the classes and pretend like I'm invisible waiting for the one person to see though my invisibility, yet avoiding those that I already know are that observant.

I may or may have not said this before, but it is like I'm testing everyone around me, seeing just how important I am to others. And even though one has passed the first test, that doesn't mean that they are through. I test them over, and over, and over again. Like teasing rats in a maze with cheese.

I may be cruel. Call me that if you will. One good friend who will stay by my side no matter what happens is better than hundreds, no thousands, of people who will leave me at the slightest start of a problem. So I test you on my terms. Expecting you to leave. That way it doesn't hurt as much.

I know how to survive. Isolation is better than being surrounded by a bunch of nameless faces.

Isn't it?

Refresh

So, having read through old posts, I forgot that I didn't update you on things that I told you I would. (will connect links to refer back to said posts.)

So, my first EVER plane ride!

I talked a little bit in one of my last posts about my vacation to visit family. But I failed to say anything about the plane ride. Let me tell you. It. Was. AMAZING!!! After we landed I turned to my mom (like I had done many times on Rattlesnake Rapids) and said, "Can we do that again?" Or even better, "How about we just sit here on the plane and wait for the next ride."

The clouds were beautiful. It was the perfect day to fly. When we took off, we flew right through and past partly cloudy cumulus clouds. You know. The ones where you look up at them and think, "That looks like a rabbit." Those are the clouds that I have ALWAYS wanted to see up close, and I finally got the chance. It was seriously amazing.

Every time I felt a little movement change in my gut, I would peek out the window to look at the wing. Likely I had looked out the window for half the ride (of a 2 hour plane ride). Thankfully we were on a smallish jet (to and back), and I was always next to the window, my wonderful parents switching with me when necessary.

Oh, how glorious it was. I think my heart belongs in the sky. :) Had Rocket Scientist been there he probably would have chuckled every time I would peek out the window again. His dad was in the Air Force, and his first plane ride was when he was 1 week old. Funnily though, while I had envied his life, he has envied mine. He had never had a place to call "home" like I had.

Funny how that works huh?

Also in that same post, I had contemplated posting poems that I had written, and then I decided against it. I'm sorry if you were looking forward to them. Writing a story as I am, I am presumptuous enough to think that the things I write may be good enough to publish someday. Maybe I'm just reaching for a star, but I think it would be cool to have my name on shelves. Even if I do just make a handle. It would still be cool. Suffice it to say that the poems I wrote seemed good enough to me that they may be good for something someday.

It was also a good enough thing to write about.

Another thing I thought of after I posted the last post is that I had decided something.

I may not be worthy enough to pray, or good enough, or important enough to listen to, but I do know that I want to be with God again. What I have wished and longed for more than anything in my life is to be hugged. Just a simple hug from Jesus. When I was a child in primary I always wished for the second coming to come when I was still a little girl for the chance to go up to him and be blessed. Now here I am with kids of my own.

I know I need him and want to be with him. So though I may be banished or ignored, I will do what I know I need to to return. My efforts may be fruitless, but at least I am doing what I have been told will get me what I need most.

And that will have to do for now.

Comment with aspects of my life or other things that I may have said I would update you on or anything like that so I can be reminded. I will try my best to please. :)

Thanks for reading.