I'm struggling.
I know you all know that.
I try to not post about it a lot, because I know it is depressing to read. Heck, it is depressing to feel.
There were two days almost in a row (and maybe they really were, but I can't really remember) where I felt scared. I was alone, with my two boys, and I felt horribly, sickeningly, terrified.
The first of these two days I prayed for help. I knew I couldn't survive on my own and would almost collapse with fear had I not had some sort of help. It was granted almost instantly. Peace filled my heart and soul, and I was content.
The second wasn't quite as wonderful. Well, to say it bluntly, it stunk. I know in whom I trust and who I should go to when times are hard. I did so again on this second of days when I was terrified. I prayed for help and peace. Nothing came. I prayed again. And again. And again.
My heart was screaming for release while my tummy felt like it was going to roll over and come out my throat. Nothing came.
Satan has been working on me good. I'm not going to say that this was the start of my problems. More like this is the peak of my problems. I'm struggling with faith. I'm struggling with trust. How can I believe in "every once in a while"? I feel like I'm not important enough to Him to get help when I need it.
Why would He help me one day when the next day I need help, I'm ignored?
I don't know if I am wanting answers from you. Or really what I need. (Though I do know what I do NOT need. If you have something hateful to say, keep it to yourself. I have enough crap in my life and if you want to crap on someone, crap on yourself.)
I just thought, that if you are reading this, and dealing with the crap that I'm posting, you may as well should have some sort of explanation.
Sundays are hard.
I have to go to church and be a "good Mormon girl" so as not to arise suspicion and make people ask questions. So I sit in the classes and pretend like I'm invisible waiting for the one person to see though my invisibility, yet avoiding those that I already know are that observant.
I may or may have not said this before, but it is like I'm testing everyone around me, seeing just how important I am to others. And even though one has passed the first test, that doesn't mean that they are through. I test them over, and over, and over again. Like teasing rats in a maze with cheese.
I may be cruel. Call me that if you will. One good friend who will stay by my side no matter what happens is better than hundreds, no thousands, of people who will leave me at the slightest start of a problem. So I test you on my terms. Expecting you to leave. That way it doesn't hurt as much.
I know how to survive. Isolation is better than being surrounded by a bunch of nameless faces.
Isn't it?
4 comments:
I've had some of those thoughts myself. seems when I want a prayer answered the most is when I feel ignored. in those instances maybe it's something he can't change. I don't know exactly what you're going through, and I wish I could tell you that one day it will all magically go away, but I can't. just take it one day at a time. try to focus on something wonderful in your life (your boys, hubby, hobby, etc) and it will help you get through.
some remarks on your comments and a thought.
"Isolation is better than being surrounded by a bunch of nameless faces." I don't see a difference between the two...
About the cruelty of teasing rats in a maze: I would seem that the person you are teasing is yourself, and yes, it is cruel. So, perhaps the one you're being cruel to is yourself.
And some pontification regarding the answering of prayers:
Truth: God is our father.
Truth: Good parents want their children to become all that they can be.
Truth: A child cannot become all that he or she can be if the parent always does for them what they need to learn to do for themselves.
Example: Tying a child's shoe, opening a box, dressing the child, making their bed, feeding them, picking them up and cooing over them every time they fall down & making a big production of it. Yes, these things need to be done from time to time, especially in the beginning. And the child needs to see how they are done so they can learn. But, just because one day you refuse to tie his shoe for him, make him at least TRY to open the box on his own, TRY to dress himself, TRY to make his bed, or let him pick himself up off the ground when he falls DOESN'T mean you love him any less, though he may feel that way. You watch and see what he does to fix his own problem, and, as any loving parent does, when he has done all that he can do, you step in and help him the rest of the way.
Personal belief: God made us parents to help us understand Him. We are as abnoxious/frustrating/stupid as our own children. We make all the same mistakes, whine just as much, expect Him to do for us just as much, if not more than our own children do for us. Fortunately he has a LOT more patience and understanding than we do for our kids.
Take from it what you will. Or not.
Kris...
""Isolation is better than being surrounded by a bunch of nameless faces." I don't see a difference between the two..."
this isn't my story. no need for editing here. ;P
Lol. I wasn't editing, I was commenting that I, personally, don't see that there is a difference. I would never edit your blog. :)
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