Today

I know I have a bunch of worried readers out there, mainly consisting of my family. I will get to that later. But first... good news!!

Today I picked up all the toys (the fact that they are littering the floor currently is irrelevant), gloves, bottles, and dirty clothes from the front room; swept the kitchen floor; washed dishes and put them in the dishwasher; wiped off the table and counters and stove top; soaked coil things and drip pans (they are still in the sink waiting for me to get to them); and also edited two chapters of my story. All before 2!!

It feels like all my muscles are sore and my back aches. Not the usual sharp pain causing me to fall over, but just the normal "I used it too long and too hard" kind of soreness. Laundry needs to be done, but for the most part, I feel like I deserve the rice crispy treats that I am currently craving.

Now for my promised "getting to the tough topic" update.

I feel like it is good news, but you may take from it what you will.

Though I am having a hard time trusting, I still know and have a firm belief in God. Don't get me wrong here. I know that if anyone in this blasted world will get me through the hard times, He will. I still haven't forgotten the amazing months after my son died. Yes, I said amazing. I got through them only through the power of God. I was in many prayers, many thoughts and I was being prayed for in many temples. I'm not saying that I am not now, but I know that I got through those months because of the faith of others, and the faith of my own.

I have always had a very positive outlook concerning death. I think I have been blessed with a greater knowledge in regards to the plan of salvation. Death never had made me sad, on the contrary, I was almost jealous of anyone who had died. That was before my son died. And yes, I am sad. But I am sad for me, not for him. I'm so selfish and spoiled that I am sad and sometimes angered that my son isn't with me now. But I know that he is well cared for and he is blessing lives in the second life.

I also know that I must live righteously to be able to live with him and raise him again. I feel I am doing my best. My trust has been hampered, but I still know where I need to go to gain peace. I have had such spiritual moments where I felt like I was just a sliver away from seeing angelic beings. I never really had, though if I had, it was when I was very very young.

That isn't the matter at hand right now though. Suffice it to say that I am just having a faith re-establishing time in my life. I'm working on it. I'm trying to find time to read scriptures and gain the courage to pray again. I also believe that every time I try and take another step back to the path, Satan hits harder again. I'm trying to find in me what everyone sees when they say "you are so strong". As of now, I feel like I can't beat Satan, and though I know I can with the Lord's help, I need to find more courage and strength in myself to deal with the times when I can't feel the Lord's help as easily.

I'm trying. I'm trying to not distract myself with worldy things. I'm trying to arm myself again so I can withstand the difficult times. I am trying. Do not despair or think that I am finally beaten. Far from it. I am rallying my forces again. Satan can't take me down that easily.