Emotional Coma

I've realized something recently. I've been in an emotional coma. I have been running like there was a fire on my bum from anything that would cause me to feel anything. My MK business, my family, even the Lord.

This weekend I have awoken. And I have been amazed at the wonderful feelings that I have been missing out on.

I awoke today with a new fire in my chest. I am going to work my bum off this week to finish my goals for this month. And somehow... somewhere... I found the belief that I can do it.

It will be one heck of a week. But I know that I can accomplish it. And I don't care how many women I have to contact to accomplish it.

Wish me luck.

Balloons

Once upon a time, there was a woman who was looking for more in her life. She didn't know where to look. She didn't even know exactly what it was she was looking for. She had already become what she had told everyone what she was going to be when she grew up. A mother. Yet she still felt that she was missing something. She felt like there was something more that she needed out of life. She felt that there was still something out there for her. But she still didn't know where to find it.

Then she met someone who gave her a dream. Someone who believed that she could accomplish anything she wanted. That she could live a fuller life.

She believed that someone. She accepted the dream and ran with it for a few steps. She then realized that she'd have to change to reach her dream. That thought terrified her. She dropped her dream.

A year went by. The girl realized that she was less content than she was before she had been offered the dream. She liked the idea of the dream. She knew the values of the dream were sound.

She decided to try again.

She hesitantly picked up the dream again after watching many women run past her with the dream in hand. Knowing full well that she'd have to change.

She slowly took a few steps. She then realized that she was holding onto something else. She looked up to see a balloon floating over her. She didn't know when she had grabbed it. But she suddenly realized that she was terrified of letting the balloon go.

She tried to function just fine while still holding the balloon, yet the simplest tasks became a trial. Dressing became a sudden hardship. Having to transfer that weightless balloon from hand to hand tired her.

She sometimes wished she could just let go of it. But the feeling that it was her life line would keep jumping back to her mind.

She knew what she needed to do to let go of the balloon. It was a simple matter of uncurling her fingers. She also knew that she couldn't live much longer with the simple balloon driving her crazy, and weighing her down. It caused stress in every aspect of her life.




I am going to start letting go of my balloon. One finger at a time. I don't know what my life will be like. I don't know how long it will take me. But I am going to do it.

Favorite?

Getting snot wiped on my clothes is my favorite. Thank you, Baby for being so considerate.

Improvement? Maybe.

Well, another week has gone by. And we are all still alive and well.

Well enough.

I think I have mentioned that I am determined to change. If only for my hubby. Well, here is a list of possible improvements. Despite how uncomfortable I am sometimes with the assignments my counselor gives, I feel like I have tried my best.

• I'm feeling a little more comfortable at church. Not completely comfortable... just more.
• I'm more comfortable around my hubby. What I would do without such a wonderful and patient husband.... that is for a different post though.
• I'm dedicated to work harder. At least on my business.
• My apartment isn't in shambles. Just parts of it is.
• I'm trying to find ways to have fun with kids. Instead of avoiding them.

Next on my list of assignments from my counselor... think about self-love vs. self-loathing...

*shudders*

And how to change from the loathing to the loving.......

*runs and hides under bed*

Numb

The pain is too much. There is a hole in my chest that aches. I don't know where it came from. I'm striving for numbness but the pain just keeps coming. I don't know what to do.

Numb is easy. Simple.

I just want to stay in one spot surrounded by my numb little bubble.

Life is harder.

Um... yeah.

I dislike myself. That may be a little too soft of a word though... and I know I have mentioned this before in my blog.

This post may be a little random.

I was reading a book once. I never finished it. It was about being successful. Mainly dealing with business. It seems to be an interesting read, and I'm wanting to pick it up again soon. There was a part in there (though I doubt I remember all the details regarding this story) where it uses a metaphor to describe successfulness. We'll call it the parable of success. I guess. There was a man who was hanging off of a cliff. And he was shouting and shouting for someone to help. "Is there anyone up there who can help me?" Then after a while he heard a voice saying. "Yes, I can help you. I am God. All you have to do is let go and trust me." Then there was silence. Then the man said, "Is there anyone ELSE up there who can help me?"

Basically the motto that the author uses with this story is that to be successful, you need to be able to let go of some thought processes or other things that you are clinging on to.

I was thinking about that last night. I'm wondering if I'm that man right now. Hating myself when I try to be assertive instead of passive (if you know me, I mean REALLY know me, you know that I'm extremely passive. I mean... REALLY passive.) Or hating myself whenever I... do anything it seems. Whenever I ask for my hubbys help with something, I think that it was a selfish thought and I could have done it myself. I never know when I'm being assertive or selfish, so I hate myself whenever I ask for his help. I try to find friends that will compliment me because I hate myself, then hate myself even more because I do that. It seems like it is a never ending process and I don't know what to do about it.

So maybe I'm hanging off a cliff, hanging onto that hate because it is all I know, yelling for someone to help me. And maybe God has responded by saying, "I'm here. I can help you. All you have to do is let go and trust me." I have been wondering since last night if that is all I need to do. Do I really NEED to find the source of that hate? CAN I just let go of it?

Change is hard. Change is scary. Almost terrifying. Can I deal with it? Do I really have to just let go? Do I not really have to find the source like I thought I did?

I don't know how to do it. I'm trying. I really am. I have already decided that I need and want to change. That doesn't make it any easier though. And it doesn't just provide the answer that I'm trying to find.

I'm not even important enough to myself to want to change. I have decided that I'm changing for the benefit of others. I can't live with this anymore. I can't live with hurting my honey because of my issues, and then hating myself because I hurt him again. He is my motivation. I'm not important enough to myself.

But he is.

2010

I've always said that I'm not much of a goal making person. I never really felt that I was. I feel enough of a failure as it is, why add onto that stress? Why give myself more reason to hate myself and feel even more like a failure?

My wonderful MK directors are always talking about how if you don't set and make goals a part of your life, you will never go anywhere. In a business or even in life in general. I can understand that. Which is maybe why I feel like most of my life has been a failure.

I guess I'm still undecided...

Here are some pictures of our first day of 2010. I decided that what I wanted most this day was family time. Thankfully the weather co-operated with that thought. It was prefect snowman making snow. Enjoy.

Rolling the middle.




















Putting the middle on.




















Mom and Baby. Yes he's in my coat. I figured he'd be warm enough that way.




















Not a good one of making it, but I liked Bug's face on here.




















Sturdifying it.




















Starting up the head.




















Rolling the head.




















Sturdifying it.




















The finished project.




















Bug's first snow angel (if you can see it...)