I dislike myself. That may be a little too soft of a word though... and I know I have mentioned this before in my blog.
This post may be a little random.
I was reading a book once. I never finished it. It was about being successful. Mainly dealing with business. It seems to be an interesting read, and I'm wanting to pick it up again soon. There was a part in there (though I doubt I remember all the details regarding this story) where it uses a metaphor to describe successfulness. We'll call it the parable of success. I guess. There was a man who was hanging off of a cliff. And he was shouting and shouting for someone to help. "Is there anyone up there who can help me?" Then after a while he heard a voice saying. "Yes, I can help you. I am God. All you have to do is let go and trust me." Then there was silence. Then the man said, "Is there anyone ELSE up there who can help me?"
Basically the motto that the author uses with this story is that to be successful, you need to be able to let go of some thought processes or other things that you are clinging on to.
I was thinking about that last night. I'm wondering if I'm that man right now. Hating myself when I try to be assertive instead of passive (if you know me, I mean REALLY know me, you know that I'm extremely passive. I mean... REALLY passive.) Or hating myself whenever I... do anything it seems. Whenever I ask for my hubbys help with something, I think that it was a selfish thought and I could have done it myself. I never know when I'm being assertive or selfish, so I hate myself whenever I ask for his help. I try to find friends that will compliment me because I hate myself, then hate myself even more because I do that. It seems like it is a never ending process and I don't know what to do about it.
So maybe I'm hanging off a cliff, hanging onto that hate because it is all I know, yelling for someone to help me. And maybe God has responded by saying, "I'm here. I can help you. All you have to do is let go and trust me." I have been wondering since last night if that is all I need to do. Do I really NEED to find the source of that hate? CAN I just let go of it?
Change is hard. Change is scary. Almost terrifying. Can I deal with it? Do I really have to just let go? Do I not really have to find the source like I thought I did?
I don't know how to do it. I'm trying. I really am. I have already decided that I need and want to change. That doesn't make it any easier though. And it doesn't just provide the answer that I'm trying to find.
I'm not even important enough to myself to want to change. I have decided that I'm changing for the benefit of others. I can't live with this anymore. I can't live with hurting my honey because of my issues, and then hating myself because I hurt him again. He is my motivation. I'm not important enough to myself.
But he is.
4 comments:
I know exactly how you feel! I feel like I am very selfish when I don't feel well and just give Grace crackers, or force her to take a nap. but then I remember that at least she is eating and she really needs a nap. I also feel guilty for making Erik do things that I could easily do because I am afraid of pushing myself too much and making this baby come early. Perhaps the answer you are seeking is simply that you are listening to the wrong person (me too). God is telling us to "let go", but Satan is saying "no, hold on. you need this to survive." if only it was that simple.
I agree about if only it was that simple. It is sure harder said than done. But you can do it otherwise you wouldn't be faced with it. Know that.
Also, I always feel guilty asking my husband to do things I can do myself but you know what? That is why we have spouses. We are meant to be a team. It wouldn't make sense to only have them there when we couldn't do things our selves. It bothers me when my husband wont let me do things for him so I have to look at it that way seeing that he wants to help me. You husband wants to be there for you. Not letting him takes away part of his role. If that makes any sense at all.
Also. (I just keep going huh) haha! You don't give yourself near enough credit. You don't see the good in yourself and the adversary is loving it. You are an incredible mother. Look at the beautiful family you have raised. You do SO much for you family. You run your family. Despite everything you have had to face you keep going and doing what you do well. I don't know much about you but I love that you have worked so hard on you wii fit. I thought that was cute and I am actually reminded of you when I use my parents haha. I love that you find the sweet little things to be happy with about your kids. You really do take the time to notice those things. Its easy to see all the things we miss but I know that you do make an effort to find special moments with them.
I know you are a talent trumpet player and more than that you have kept up with it more than a lot of people do once they aren't in school anymore. All I'm saying is give yourself much more credit. Look for the good things in yourself because they are there. You and Heavenly Father know it more than anybody else. You just need to let your self see it. Please. Thats all.
I really do look up to you lots!! You are amazing!
Ok I am done talking now. hahahaa!!
Yup, change is hard. And Scary to the point of being terrifying. (An interesting question to ponder another time is 'what is fear and why should I (not) let it control me?)
I tend to support the idea that you proposed that you don't need to find the source of the hate to let go of it. Perhaps you could think of it in terms of your body - you're driving along in the car and your face is all scrunched up, lips tight, eyes squinting, jaw tensed, forehead wrinkled, brows furrowed. Maybe you're thinking hard, maybe your stressed, maybe your tense for some other reason, but finding the reason for the scrunched face isn't necessary for relaxing your face. You can relax your face any time once you notice it's scrunched up (knowing is half the battle), though perhaps you'll need to find the reason to prevent it from scrunching up again. But at least, in the mean time as you search, you're no longer promoting wrinkles (hurting yourself).
As for doing it for someone else because they mean more to you than you mean to yourself, sometimes the only thing that keeps up moving is our love for someone else (the most noble kind).
And hey, for what it's worth, I give compliments because its what I honestly think, not because you manipulate me into saying them. The best people to seek to be around are the ones that will help lift you(rself) up.
And don't forget to exercise for my comment. ;)
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