and the number of followers just keeps rising...

Thank you everyone for your support. I don't seem to be getting many comments these days, but from the rising number of followers, I can at least assume that my words are being read. To a writer, that is a very heart warming thing.

Sometimes I get asked, or I wonder myself, "What do I need from people? How can people help me?" Honestly, I really don't know. I am currently under the impression that I hardly know myself at all. I suppose it comes from spending so much time with myself, and wishing that I wasn't forced to. You could say that I have an extreme case of inferiority complex. When people believe in me, instead of trusting their belief in me, I get depressed, not feeling up to the task of accomplishing their expectations. Sometimes it feels as if I want to fail or cause myself to fail to get them to see the way I see myself.

Ahhh, and there I go off on a tangent again. I often do that when my hands are on a keyboard of any sort. Even through txts... *sigh...

I finally learned the name of a song that I have always liked and looked up the lyrics to it. Just the other day (when I learned the name of the song), I realized why I loved it so much. I relate to it very strongly.

Iris by Goo Goo Dolls:

(the song is near the end of my play list if you wish to listen to it)

1:
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

2:
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

Chorus:
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

3:
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

Chorus:
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

The verses could be whatever way you want to take them, but the chorus, and I think even the third verse I relate to the most. The forth line in the third verse is likely my favorite. That doesn't mean that I have ever slit myself on purpose. Even now I'm not exactly sure why I love that line so much. Maybe someday I'll find out.

Those words though... the chorus. I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. I don't think I'll ever be good enough at poetry to write such a thing. Poetry was never my strong point. But those lines could be very honestly said from my mouth.

I hide. Everyday I hide. I plaster on a smile and pretend everything is okay. I have had 19 years or so of practice. I am broken. Despite all this, all I want is for people to know who I am. Why do I act? Because acting is safe. Acting fools those who would discard me if they really knew who I am.

So for now, even though it doesn't seem like much, all I can ask is that you don't give up on me. Some days I try. Some days I give up. Some times I get pulled along by some happy thing that happened only to fall again hours later (that one happened multiple times today). I can't tell you how tomorrow will be. I can't tell you how I am now. I can't even tell you who I really am, because I strive everyday to ignore myself. Here, on this blog, is very likely the only place where I truly say things how they are. At least I like to think that way. I am horribly honest on here. More so than even with Pro Boxer. The things I write here I am even to nervous to say out loud. Probably because being rejected online is less traumatizing than irl.

Whatever the case, that is all I can ask for now. I think my courage is mounting again for me to call my bishop and talk to him. Church things are still... hard. I get really pessimistic during that 3 hour block of my life every week.

I'm sorry almost every single thing I post is depressing. I try sometimes to post something cute that my kids did. I'm just... like this right now. And I'm very busy, to boot. It is much easier to remember to get my anger and frustration and unpleasant feelings out on here than it is to post every cute little thing that my kids did. And those who know them... I could make more than 10 posts a day if I tried, and I don't even spend all day with them.

Again, thank you for reading. Having people read the words that I write gives me the strength and courage to keep on writing, even if I frequently feel like my writing isn't worth it. You, reading this right now, gives purpose and meaning to my words, and that makes me, as a writer, happy.