And there is the picture.
Once upon a time I had a child with his birthday today. We didn't get to celebrate it with him even once. So we send up balloons (equal to the age that he would be turning) that only get popped... as if anyone truly knows what happens to balloons after they are let go.
Don't ask me how I am. You'll only hear me change the subject. I have mentioned before that I think I have spent almost my whole life numb. I often don't know how I feel, I'm that good an actress. Fooling myself into believing that I'm fine. Maybe I am, but more likely I'm not. I go around a hypocrite trying to make other people believe that they are of worth and what not to try to get them from being depressed, yet I don't believe the words are relevant to myself. I did that just the other day in fact. I quoted D+C 18:10 to someone. "For the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." That used to be the thing I would say most to people. I hadn't done it in a long time. The chapter goes on to talk about missionary work, but I tried to use that for an uplifting scripture to me. "The worth of [Shay's soul] is great in the sight of God." heh. I truly don't know if I ever believed that. Maybe some small points in my life I felt that. Even though the scripture says, "worth of souls is great..." I some how dismiss myself from that absolute statement. I think, the worth of everyone else's soul is great... but not mine. I think about it and I think about it. Yes, I know what you'll say. If I were to discuss this logically with anyone, my thought process doesn't make any sense. I did have this discussion with someone just recently (after I told her I was a hypocrite for quoting that to her), and I couldn't logically explain it. Because either the scripture is true and I am included, or there is no God.
Logically, that is how it works. Emotionally, I don't match up.
*sigh....
I got the courage to call the person I needed to call to make an appointment with the bishop. I know I'm having some serious issues. It was the wrong person, cause his calling changed. So I called the other person that he said... and it was a disconnected number. So I talked to the bishop about it yesterday and he gave me the correct number. I just have to muster up the courage again.
This was to be a post "celebrating" Little Angel's birthday. Don't ask me how it turned into a Shay-needs-serious-help post. I guess that was just what I had to get out. And this, as I say frequently, is a place for me to get things out.
Now go munch on some Oreos.
2 comments:
Hey Sis,
Thanks for sharing this - I'm sure I can't imagine the emotions you must feel at this time each year (and surely at other times as well!). Please know that you are frequently in my prayers, dear sis. : )
You often mention your always acting - always pretending. Maybe someone has told you this before, but you should know that you're by far not the only one who acts and pretends and makes it seem that everything is okay. President Eyring once said that a person would do well to treat everyone they meet as if that person had some serious personal need or trial, and that you'd be right 90% of the time. I believe that's right. Everyone pretends at least some time, for a variety of reasons.
I say this not to minimize what you're feeling or anything like that, but to let you know that you're normal! I think we get into trouble when we assume that everyone is actually as put together as they make themselves seem, and that we're the only ones barely keeping ourselves together. I pretend. I hide. Sometimes I wonder if anyone really knows the real Eric. I wish I didn't as much as I do. This is something we all deal with at one level or another.
I love you, dear sister, because of who you are! I love you even though you struggle - boy, we all struggle! None of us really knows ourselves very well, but we can all love each other in spite of it!
Hugs to you!
SL- I am so sorry for your loss, and know that it must be especially hard for you this time of year. I am so glad we have the gospel to know that you will get to see him again and have the opportunity to raise him. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
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