Long time coming

This post that is. I really have been too busy to post this, but I have been thinking about you. Really. :)

My sister outright cheered when I told her this, so I thought I'd share it here.

First a little background:

Pro Boxer has ADD which apparently, by medical standards doesn't exist anymore. *rolls eyes...* As such, he has a hard time taking tests. However, to be able to apply for the job at his current place of employment that he really would love (maintenance), he had to be able to pass a speed test of sorts. Which... well the word speed is not really in his ability to accomplish easily. They have a practice test thing online I guess, and while watching him work at it, it brought to my attention that he was planning on trying it out again. He had tried earlier, but didn't pass. So. He tried hard to prepare himself, yet I, as a wife didn't really know how to help him, save make sure he got enough sleep and all that. He can't really get a higher paying position without taking and passing this test, and so I was quite worried for him, but found that I couldn't do much to help him. The night before he was to take the test, I laid down in bed. I thought out a somewhat lame prayer to help Pro Boxer with the test. I mentioned how I had done all I could (I even sent Pro Boxer out with three Oreos... gasp! I claimed they would work as brain food), and so I was using this prayer as my last resort to help Pro Boxer.

Now, I don't know if it was the extra preparation that Pro Boxer had, or the prayer, but yes. He did pass it. My previously mentioned sister hadn't known that Pro Boxer passed, but rather cheered when I told her that I did say a prayer more than "thanks" or a routine family prayer.

I am still debating going to counselling or not. I have been talking to a friend of mine who had been in similar situations as I. She is one of the most cheerful persons that I know. She is soon to be married to someone who resembles Pro Boxer's patience and love. Really, people like me wouldn't really be able to survive in a marriage easily without a very patient and loving husband. In any case, she is trying to help me see the world how she sees it and lift my mood.

Yesterday I had been brought food, peppermint oil (for my massive headache I had), a big pot to make four pies worth of filling, and other random things. A day or so before that, someone came to be a second mom to my kids. She fed them, played with them, so I could finish my homework. Not only that, but she swept the floor, washed all the dishes, and wiped down all the surfaces in the kitchen. When I am blessed such as that, I find that I get easily depressed because I don't see me worth so much blessings. Which, when said in that way, may be why I don't turn to the Lord anymore. I'm not worth the blessings that I know He will give me by following Him.

I only have one class today besides my two music/performing classes. (yes that was a deliberate subject change...) And the one class that I DO have is just a quiz and I can leave after that. I do have to finish my tutoring assignment for Japanese, but really, I feel like I don't have much to do today as far as school stuffs is concerned. Which I guess is good. Bug had a fever yesterday, and is banned from school today. I hope he gets better soon. I still have to make four pies worth of apple filling after all. We'll see how that goes. I hope I have time for it. I have an essay to write and a concert tomorrow.

Here's to a busy weekend. I still don't know if I'll meet with the bishop again this weekend... we'll have to see I guess.

Mid-week

So, it is Wednesday. Almost Thursday. Then it will be Friday, Saturday.

And Sunday.

Honestly, the majority of the week, I feel somewhat 'normal' and okay. It's when it gets to be Saturday, sometimes starting as early as Friday when I start getting depressed about the next Sunday. Yes, I know that isn't what would be considered 'healthy.' That's where this blog comes in.

As far as praying is concerned, my bishop suggested just starting with thinking a small "Thank you." And I have done that a few times. Because truthfully, I am grateful for Pro Boxer, for my good friends and for the chance I have to finish my education even with two small crazy kids who keep my house in a constant state of chaos. My family has never given up on me, and I am eternally grateful for that. There are a lot of things that I'm grateful for. Whether or not God wishes to hear my small "Thank you" or not is up to Him. I suppose it is the act of just thinking that which makes the small start.

I have also started once again praying "family prayer" with the kids at night. The last few days before my meeting with the bishop I had not done that, and he specifically mentioned that he hoped that I still was. I didn't comment. Yes, I know better. And yes, I'm trying.

Pro Boxer still seems to be hesitant asking me to pray for family prayer when he is available to join us. In fact since Sunday he hasn't asked me at all. He either says it or asks Bug to do it. But when it is just me and the kids, I sometimes give out a 'routine' prayer. They feel somewhat flat coming out of my mouth. I wouldn't be surprised if God ignored me then. My greatest fear, however, is if I put more feeling into the prayer and specifically ask for things that I need, that He will still ignore me, and not bless me with an answer. At least I'm praying in front of the kids. Hopefully that will be good enough for now.

But this is just after three days of starting my 'rehab.' Give me time. I just thought I'd update you all on how things were going.

And, a personal thank you to Nana for your comment. There's a lot in there that I really appreciated. I once used to be more optimistic like that... I'm (hopefully) back on the road/rocketship(?) to that alien planet of optimism about the things that happened in my life.

Meeting

Today after church, I had my meeting with the bishop.

A few things to note before I forget them (and to get my readers to hopefully not worry about me as much):

1. It was decided (or maybe rather declared by him) that I am one of those "virtuous" persons and that I am going through a hard time and that I can "handle it." My response was "Even if I am, just because I am strong enough to handle it, why must I go through it?" He didn't really respond, but he laughed...

2. I will probably have to meet with him again before this is fully taken care of...

3. It is possible that there is more of the onion to peal off, but it is also just as likely that Satan brought up all the horrible things that happened to me in the spotlight again, and constantly shoving them in my face to prevent me from seeing the good things and to get me to stop calling on the Lord, in private or with my kids. The ultimate goal that bishop decided was likely the case (if how I feel doesn't have anything to do with more of the onion to deal with) is that Satan is after my kids, and he is targeting me to get at them.

Things he suggested I do:

1. I "need" to recognize my good qualities.

2. If I feel the need to talk to a counselor at FS, that I should just go in and do so.

3. Think about things (callings/activities/etc...) that would be more just for me to "fill my well."

4. Renew mine (and Justin's) temple recommend. He didn't expect me to go to the temple yet, if I'm too uncomfortable even coming to church or saying personal prayers, going to the temple was too big of a step. But he said that I needed that "ticket" in my possession...

Read this however you want. Heck, I can't make you read it in any other way than you already do. Things I don't want are comments that list the belief system of my church. I know the story. We are all children of God and that he loves us all. "You love your kids so much, but God loves you more..." Crap like that I just can't believe right now. I'm still doing one of the important steps, even though it is horribly difficult for me right now. I'm still going to church. I'm not studying, and I'm not praying, but I'm going to church. Even though I really didn't want to go today. (mainly because the lesson in primary was about how the Lord loves us all)

Don't preach to me. I already know it, and I will probably roll my eyes. You can cheer for me, pray for me or whatever will make you feel better. I'm callous to the core right now. I don't want to hear/read sermons. Just loving me, not giving up on me, praying (if you think that will even do any good) or whatever. Though my defense is very weak right now... I'm still trying to fight.

That, at least for now, should be enough.

Halloween and other things

Maybe because I am so busy working on things, I can't afford to be depressed? I have heard from people that if you work on something creative, that helps boost your mood. That may or may not be true for me. Even if it is however, though I am working on creating things right now, it doesn't really help my spiritual health. I have been more emotionally positive? Maybe? Except for the basketball game I had to go to last weekend...

That aside, here are some projects that I have done in the past week.

Bat costumes (both finished in one afternoon):



Bat costumes made out of a towel, pleated, and a wash cloth attached for the hat/ears. Very simple project. Simpler than I thought it would be. A little more difficult than it should have been because of my poor sewing machine that needs a check up.

Next project. I'm a member of TBS (Tau Beta Sigma), which is the band service sorority, and we hosted a Halloween party last night. Everyone needed to contribute something to give away as prizes for various things. I chose to make this to donate:

Tis a scarf. A very warm, and very wide scarf. I didn't intend it to be that wide. Next one I make will be skinnier. I also made a hat to go with the scarf, made with the same colors. I knitted both the colors at the same time, giving it a heather kind of look. I forgot to get a picture of it.

TBS is hosting another event this Saturday, and once again.... I'll be spending a lot of my time knitting this week as I did last week. I do not, however, have an essay to write this week, so hopefully I will be able to catch up and keep up with my classes. Japanese, I particularly have to catch up with... too much vocabulary I need learn.

Wish me luck.