A few things to note before I forget them (and to get my readers to hopefully not worry about me as much):
1. It was decided (or maybe rather declared by him) that I am one of those "virtuous" persons and that I am going through a hard time and that I can "handle it." My response was "Even if I am, just because I am strong enough to handle it, why must I go through it?" He didn't really respond, but he laughed...
2. I will probably have to meet with him again before this is fully taken care of...
3. It is possible that there is more of the onion to peal off, but it is also just as likely that Satan brought up all the horrible things that happened to me in the spotlight again, and constantly shoving them in my face to prevent me from seeing the good things and to get me to stop calling on the Lord, in private or with my kids. The ultimate goal that bishop decided was likely the case (if how I feel doesn't have anything to do with more of the onion to deal with) is that Satan is after my kids, and he is targeting me to get at them.
Things he suggested I do:
1. I "need" to recognize my good qualities.
2. If I feel the need to talk to a counselor at FS, that I should just go in and do so.
3. Think about things (callings/activities/etc...) that would be more just for me to "fill my well."
4. Renew mine (and Justin's) temple recommend. He didn't expect me to go to the temple yet, if I'm too uncomfortable even coming to church or saying personal prayers, going to the temple was too big of a step. But he said that I needed that "ticket" in my possession...
Read this however you want. Heck, I can't make you read it in any other way than you already do. Things I don't want are comments that list the belief system of my church. I know the story. We are all children of God and that he loves us all. "You love your kids so much, but God loves you more..." Crap like that I just can't believe right now. I'm still doing one of the important steps, even though it is horribly difficult for me right now. I'm still going to church. I'm not studying, and I'm not praying, but I'm going to church. Even though I really didn't want to go today. (mainly because the lesson in primary was about how the Lord loves us all)
Don't preach to me. I already know it, and I will probably roll my eyes. You can cheer for me, pray for me or whatever will make you feel better. I'm callous to the core right now. I don't want to hear/read sermons. Just loving me, not giving up on me, praying (if you think that will even do any good) or whatever. Though my defense is very weak right now... I'm still trying to fight.
That, at least for now, should be enough.
2 comments:
I just recently started following your blog and though I am so 100% unsure of your situation, I feel your pain. Pain is pain. Believe me. I know. Though we all may fight different battles, it's still pain and it's still a battle. I hope you get things worked out. I wish there was something I could say, but I have no words. Sometimes I get the "preaching" that you mention as well. People mean well, but they don't KNOW all they think they know. Hang in there. Keep fighting. Thanks for posting.
ROBIN
my-lovelydisaster.blogspot.com
I was abused as a child also. It remaind a secret till my children where abused by the babysitter. I was in my late twenties when I went though all the memories of the past. Why do we remember things so long forgot. Yet it comes back so clear it was like just yesterday. I sat through my share of church meetings saying that applys to them not me. God loves them not me. How could he possiably love me. I read books about troubled teens because I needed to know that less then perfect people can make it to. It wasn't till I was an adult that I learned people aren't perfect. Some have physical or social issue that you can see. Others have such deep hurts they carry noone can see them but they are just as real. Ifit part of our mission in life is to help other make it through their lifes then we can't be afraid of our past. My past may make me feel less then perfect by it isn't what makes me less then perfect my past is what happened to me my future is what I make it. Do I have bad day's Yes. Do I fell like I'm less then other sometime yes. But it's like you said if you can help someone by opening up and talking about the past you will help them and yourself. I found this true with my children how could I get them to open up about their abuse if I keep my past a secret. I'm not my past I'm simple me. As I watched my Children grow I'd ask my self is that how I would act if I'm life had been different, maybe. But it not to late. As long as you and I keep fighting we'll make it. Even if we have down day, bring out the oreo's and chocolate and take a good look at where life has taken you. I think your great and it okay for you to agree with me. Till then keep up the fight it worth fighting for.
Nana
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