To my readers:

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to all my readers who have been worried about me to the point of stress or anxiety. I didn't really realize how disturbing or maybe even suicidal my posts have been until a friend actually pointed it out to me.

I am not going to commit suicide. No it isn't my kids, friends, family, or even my husband that keeps me here. It is the thought and belief in the gospel. The knowledge that my life would be that much worse in the next life than it is now.

And though it isn't much, that is what is holding me here. The desire, no, the need to be accepted in the Lord's sight.

Acceptance is my survival. Without it... I think I may just break. And I need to be accepted again, and again, and again. So I keep trying people. Testing them if they will stick with me 'til the end. So I'm sorry to my readers. And yet I thank you. If you have made it this far, then I realize that I can trust you to stay with me. Even though I may not know who you are, just knowing that there is someone out there listening to my ramblings, thinking about me, maybe even praying for me... is a great help.

I may not feel your prayers or your thoughts. Not in the numb/comatose state that I'm in. But please don't give up on me. Rejection is something I fear the most. And though I know my existence shouldn't depend on my acceptance of others... Knowing ≠ Feeling.

I'm sorry for all of this. Sometimes I wonder if you have the more difficult task, keeping with me though you probably don't see the result of your efforts for a very long time.

And I thank you. Thank you for sticking with me. I'm in for a rough bit of time still I think. But thank you for sticking with me this long.

Before I forget

Conversation after dinner between mother and son.

"Where did all your food go?"

Son points into a wide open mouth and says, "I swallow, and it goes all over and down and down and down," moving his hand down his body to demonstrate, "and then out the bum when I go potty."

At this point in time, my eyes are wide open, with his detailed explanation. No, as far as I know, no one told him that the food he eats turns into pee and poop. I can only assume that he figured it out all by himself. Which shocks me.

I have a smart kiddo.

I'm still here

I'm still alive.

I'm sorry I'm posting only negative these days... I'll have a positive thought at the end of this post. Promise.

I started group again to help me heal from the abuse. And when you clean out a closet, dust arises.

Here's my dust:

I finally found out why I hate myself. I have the incorrect mind set of "bad things happened to me, so I must be bad." And yes. My mind tells me that it IS incorrect. That doesn't make the feeling go away.

So what do I do now? I have no idea. My counselor tells me that I need to battle with the negative thoughts. But how do I do that? It can't be as easy as just deciding that what I have believed my whole life was a lie.

Nevertheless. I'm still here. I'm still kickin'. I'm still fighting.

Last night I didn't really pray. At least not kneeling down. But as I crawled into my bed I sent a last thought up to God. "Please. If you have any scrap of sympathy for me, let me have a good night's rest." Baby slept from 9-8. Approx. Without any milk or formula in his belly. We have been having him on formula at night to help him sleep better. Yet we didn't have anymore last night. Not only that, but Baby woke up cooing and talking instead of screaming. I guess that means that I'm still important enough to God for a little miracle. I still didn't want to get out of bed this morning.

On other good notes:

I called some people about Mary Kay yesterday that I didn't know. They were referrals from one of my customers. And I had a good success with them. I was way excited. I have two parties booked with people that I don't know. Dismiss the fact that I'll probably be practically shaking with fear when I go meet them for the party, but that is not for a bit longer.

Also. Many of you may know that I'm writing a story. I think that I have decided to publish it as a novel instead of my original idea as a manga (Japanese comic book). Not only that, but one of my friends has been planning on starting up a publishing company for a while. He has been reading my story and offered to have my story be his launch title. The whole aspect of that makes me feel like I am going to puke, but it is still exciting me enough to think kind of seriously about it. Though that may be because if I'm working on my story I'm living in a world free of the pain of my life, and that is a very appealing prospect for me. Whatever the reason, I think it very well might happen.

So yeah. Good things happening. The bad things seem almost too overwhelming, but at least there are angels in there with the devils.

Emotional Coma

I've realized something recently. I've been in an emotional coma. I have been running like there was a fire on my bum from anything that would cause me to feel anything. My MK business, my family, even the Lord.

This weekend I have awoken. And I have been amazed at the wonderful feelings that I have been missing out on.

I awoke today with a new fire in my chest. I am going to work my bum off this week to finish my goals for this month. And somehow... somewhere... I found the belief that I can do it.

It will be one heck of a week. But I know that I can accomplish it. And I don't care how many women I have to contact to accomplish it.

Wish me luck.

Balloons

Once upon a time, there was a woman who was looking for more in her life. She didn't know where to look. She didn't even know exactly what it was she was looking for. She had already become what she had told everyone what she was going to be when she grew up. A mother. Yet she still felt that she was missing something. She felt like there was something more that she needed out of life. She felt that there was still something out there for her. But she still didn't know where to find it.

Then she met someone who gave her a dream. Someone who believed that she could accomplish anything she wanted. That she could live a fuller life.

She believed that someone. She accepted the dream and ran with it for a few steps. She then realized that she'd have to change to reach her dream. That thought terrified her. She dropped her dream.

A year went by. The girl realized that she was less content than she was before she had been offered the dream. She liked the idea of the dream. She knew the values of the dream were sound.

She decided to try again.

She hesitantly picked up the dream again after watching many women run past her with the dream in hand. Knowing full well that she'd have to change.

She slowly took a few steps. She then realized that she was holding onto something else. She looked up to see a balloon floating over her. She didn't know when she had grabbed it. But she suddenly realized that she was terrified of letting the balloon go.

She tried to function just fine while still holding the balloon, yet the simplest tasks became a trial. Dressing became a sudden hardship. Having to transfer that weightless balloon from hand to hand tired her.

She sometimes wished she could just let go of it. But the feeling that it was her life line would keep jumping back to her mind.

She knew what she needed to do to let go of the balloon. It was a simple matter of uncurling her fingers. She also knew that she couldn't live much longer with the simple balloon driving her crazy, and weighing her down. It caused stress in every aspect of her life.




I am going to start letting go of my balloon. One finger at a time. I don't know what my life will be like. I don't know how long it will take me. But I am going to do it.

Favorite?

Getting snot wiped on my clothes is my favorite. Thank you, Baby for being so considerate.

Improvement? Maybe.

Well, another week has gone by. And we are all still alive and well.

Well enough.

I think I have mentioned that I am determined to change. If only for my hubby. Well, here is a list of possible improvements. Despite how uncomfortable I am sometimes with the assignments my counselor gives, I feel like I have tried my best.

• I'm feeling a little more comfortable at church. Not completely comfortable... just more.
• I'm more comfortable around my hubby. What I would do without such a wonderful and patient husband.... that is for a different post though.
• I'm dedicated to work harder. At least on my business.
• My apartment isn't in shambles. Just parts of it is.
• I'm trying to find ways to have fun with kids. Instead of avoiding them.

Next on my list of assignments from my counselor... think about self-love vs. self-loathing...

*shudders*

And how to change from the loathing to the loving.......

*runs and hides under bed*