This morning I got out of bed with an aching heart.
There are so many new babies in our ward. One of them just happens to be the child of the mother that Texas Mom noticed tended to be less then sensitive when she was up for Little Angel's funeral. I don't know what her deal is. I don't know if she wants to rub it in, or if she isn't "all there" sometimes. I don't know her story and I'm trying not to judge her. Quite a while ago I was filling out a spotlighting paper. She was sitting next to me. Then the question came up..."How many kids do you have?" I hesitated while my heart ached. I didn't know what to put. I hovered over that question for a while. Then this sister leaned over and said, kind of forcefully, "Write one." I tried to keep my act together while I mumbled some lame answer that I can't remember. I was so mad at her. How could she just say that?
Last Sunday was the first time she came to church with her new baby. I was kind of aching a little bit the whole day anyway, and I tried to avoid her, but whenever we were in close proximity I thought I acted the part of a I'm-happy-for-you person. I was holding myself together pretty well I thought. I knew I couldn't take holding her baby or even touching her. And thankfully whenever I was in close proximity to her, her baby was wrapped in one of those sling things, and I couldn't see it.
Church was over. I needed to talk to the bishop so I was sitting in front of his office. Then she came walking by. Her baby completely exposed. I put on my act again of being happy for her and that the birth went well. That was easy 'cause I was happy the birth went well. She stopped in front of me and "showed her baby off". I can't think of anyway else to say it. She flaunted her baby in front of me. (that works better...) I guess she wanted me to faun over her like everyone else, but I knew I couldn't take it without bursting into tears. And then she would probably be insensitive enough to say "What's wrong?"
I tried to brush it off as she left. Couldn't she even understand how that was equivalent to putting a knife through my heart and twisting it? She was always kind of that way, but I was able to brush it off. Nothing hurt me so deeply as that. Sure sometimes I am Ok and can hold babies and faun over them like everyone else. But there are bound to be those moments when...(sorry I'm in tears now.....) I just can't take it.
As she left she decided to twist the knife one last time as she said "She's my Little Angel". That's MY son's code name on my blog. She most likely doesn't know this, but still...
Little Angel will be turning one next month. Maybe that is why it is getting harder and harder to suppress the pain. Who knows what will happen on that day? I certainly don't. As far as Christmas went I was pretty Ok. But then I was still being carried by the Lord. He has set me down on my feet now and I'm not sure what I'll do. Will I crumple on the path and just start sobbing? Filled with too much pain to go on? I have no idea. But I hope I will always be worthy to have the Lord walking with me so he can carry me when the pain is too much.
And yes, I do feel better now that I got it out.
12 comments:
You are so amazing! Keep up the positive attitude. The fact that you try so hard to be happy for people who have hurt you shows so much of the kind of person you are. I think that is something I would have a hard time doing. You are awesome!
I don't know you (I found a link to your blog on my sis-in-laws blog and your post title caught my eye), but I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your cute family. I think it is WONDERFUL that you are able to write about your feelings...the good, the bad, and the slightly unattractive :) That's how we heal. You are a wonderful example...your sons are very blessed to have you for a mother. God Bless :)
Shay, I don't mind at all that you posted my video on your blog! I'm so happy that I can help someone else feel happy too, if only for a moment. I have no idea the kind of pain you must be feeling. I feel sad for that woman in your ward. Her actions will catch up with her someday. I think you're so strong. I think you're doing the right thing by "living" for the ones you love. Keep the Lord close! Hugs....
{{{HUGS}}}
And you do have TWO wonderful children, one of whom is guaranteed exaltation in the Celestial Kingdom! And I agree with a previous comment, the fact that you try to be happy for others and do the right things despite other people's insensitivity does show what an extraordinary person you are.
The Lord loves you and so does your sweet little Angel! God Bless.
hey you...
i get the same way sometimes around couples. or people that are getting married and seemingly flaunt their newfound joy and wedding invitations in my face. deep down, i know it's nothing personal. in your case, the birth went well, right? not that i'm saying that we should wish for unfortunate things to happen to others, but what i am saying is that rarely do we know what He has in store for us.
i have learned that it's best to take a step back and realize that some people just don't think as much about others as i do. they don't realize that what they're doing is hurting. even if they're malicious, it's nice to remove myself from the situation and starte reading the next paragraph.
what keeps me relatively sane is that i know the Lord is watching over me. i know He knows where i need to be in life. i know He knows, because he went through every minute of every one of my days. even in those times when i feel like He has placed me on my feet, i take comfort in the knowledge that although i'm walking i still have Him to bolster me up.
you're stronger than you will probably ever take credit for...
ps
Shay, The Lord will always carry you. He lets you use your own strength but He will always have at least one arm around you for when your strength is no longer enough. One time, after reading the story "Footprints" about the guy walking on the beach with the Lord, I heard a comment from someone saying they felt there should have only been one set of prints the whole time because the Lord never leaves you alone. You are amazing and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Shay, thanks so much for sharing how you're feeling! Though it's hard to see you going through this, I am certain that it is changing you in ways that you may not understand for years. It's unfortunate that people sometimes make life hard for other people. I admire your patience and your Christlike response. Hang in there! You're often in my prayers!
Love, Eric
oh, shay. I'm so sorry you had a day like that. I think you're doing so well, there is nothing wrong with crumpling (is that the word you used?... :o) ) when we really need help. It means we're on our knees, and He ALWAYS hears and helps. We're all cheering for you!
I can't imagine what that Sunday must have been like. I want you to know that I am proud of you for being open about it. People tend to keep things packed away and they are never resolved or healed. God loves you, and your little Angel, too. I'm sorry I wasn't ever able to talk to you or help you in some way after it happened. I moved two days after. I hope you are doing well. I will keep your family in my prayers.
You're such a beautiful person! I am glad that I am getting to know you better!
I've been trying to think of the perfect thing to say for all this time since you first posted this, and, it just won't come to me . . .
I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm glad you are sharing and I hope it helps with the healing. Love you!
I also wanted to add, I hope you wrote "two." You have two kids. I guess really what you wrote depends on what you feel like sharing with people at the moment. But, in your heart, you know you have two.
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