Warning: I'm not sure where this post is going... I just needed to get my thoughts out.
I'm not sure I mentioned this yet, but for the past almost month, I have been in hiding. I keep saying that I don't know how to cope, I just hide. And I'm really good at it. Probably too good. In a bad way. Since I'm so good at it, I didn't even realize I was hiding until a few weeks ago. I didn't even know what I was hiding from. Whenever I would try and figure it out, my mind would automatically work on hiding again by distracting me with other things. I think I finally figured it out last night.
I'm hiding from change. I can feel it in the air. Rocket Scientist and I with our little family may not stay in our first apartment for much longer due to the fact of higher rent than is worth the apartments. The cinder-block walls that warm air seeps through like sand through a sieve. Thus causing us to have a high gas bill in the winter. But not only that. I feel a change in me. I know I can do better than I have been. Many people have told me so. How they see potential in me. And not only just potential, but great potential.
I have been told that I'm very confidant or that I at least put off that air. Psh to that. I don't feel confidant in anything. I'm always having to ask others for advice, and I feel I can't do anything right. Maybe that has already been a change in me that I haven't noticed and refused to see. Even though the changes that I know are coming if I just let them are good changes, and would help me and those around me, I am still hiding. Why? I have no idea. Well, I guess I do. I have enjoyed being lazy too much. And just the fact that I can say that (though cringe I might) makes me see hope in the future.
I know the Mary Kay career has potential. I can see that it would help me grow as a person and would definitely help us financially. But am I willing enough to get rid of my lazy self to do it? To do the work that I know I need to to get the benefits that I long for? I am the only one to answer that, and I'm not really sure the answer or really, how to find it. I know I need to find something to motivate me, and that I'm the only one to do that. But where do I look? Where is this secret place that I know not of where I can find the answers to the questions I seek?
Ok, I'm babbling and I realize that. I need to get off my lazy bum and do something. I am aware of this. But it is just so much easier to just sit here and complain about being lazy than to actually change it. I enjoy my computer so much that I don't know what I would do in a solitary day if it crashed. Let's hope I didn't just curse it to happen. But, maybe that is the motivation I need? Keep my computer off for one day and see what happens? Hmmm... interesting concept. It is either that or have it crash cause I didn't knock on wood. You know what? I'll do it. Right after I finish this post, I'm gonna turn off this computer and not wait for the comments to come streaming in. I'm gonna change the laundry and get some dishes done. I'm gonna get three bookings to tell my director about tomorrow.
I will do it! Just watch me grow!
5 comments:
Heeeeyyyy! Way to go! I hope you find success with this! I find that most of the time, I know exactly how I could improve - it just takes being willing to really make the change. So often I've told myself that these changes are for later. Then one day I realized that I just needed to take responsibility for my own growth and move ahead. Good for you!
You go girl!
Make that change. make it for yourself, for Rocket Scientist, your son and mostly for your daughter.
I've always been of the opinion that there comes a point in your life (probably more than once, actually) when you have to make a choice. You can choose to continue on the path you've been on, or, you can choice to become the woman you want to, and were meant, to be.
Also, remember there is no growth without adversity.
Best of Luck!!
I know what you mean, I am the same way. I make excuses not to change and complain about the way things are. I've decided to take things as they come: if Grace decides to stay up til 4 and wake up at 8 we'll adjust. it doesn't seem so important anymore to force her to sleep. good luck!
I come upon these "ah hah!" moments sometimes. Though they seem like reminders of what I already know I ought to be doing! Life is a cycle of learning and relearning. I'm excited for your computer off day. those are nice sometimes, and I hope you like it! :o) Love ya
Yeah for you!
Confucius says, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
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