Hello, my name is Confused.

I know I know... it has been quite a while since I had last posted. My only real excuse is that I have been so into writing my story that I haven't done much else. I very may possibly be past the point of no return. You know... that part in really good books near the end where you just have to keep reading because it is so intence or whatnot? Yeah, I think I'm past that now in my own story, and since I have been writing in such a way that I feel like I'm reading an actual book and have almost no control over what the characters do. They are telling the story to me, and they hold back any information until I get there. I have a few small glimpses as to what might happen near the end of it, but that is about it.

Anyway, right now, I think I'm just very confused. And I don't really know what is wrong with me. I have so many things I feel like I could do much better at yet, I don't put any effort into them. I don't know what is wrong. I don't know if maybe it is my frame of mind, or maybe just my not wanting to change though I know it will be for the better. This is most likely to be a very random post, just as a post warning (no pun intended).

Maybe I don't really know what to do with my life. That is very possible. Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said, "I want to be a mom." Now that I'm there, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I did have a back up plan, and that was going to school and majoring to be a Music Teacher. I now know that I don't think I would ever have the temperament to be a good music teacher. Not that I don't like kids or anything, but I don't think I could ever deal with the parents.

Yet, my first answer to what I wanted to do came before I graduated. My mom didn't work. I have a job as a Mary Kay consultant, yet I haven't done much with it. People keep telling me that they see great potential in me, yet I don't feel like I have done anything to receive such a statement directed at me. More than that, I can't see that in myself. I don't feel like I had done anything in my life that was wonderful or great. Anything that would show anyone that I meet now what great potential I have.

Rocket Scientist always says what a good Mom I am, yet what do I do everyday? Sit at my computer and write a story while Bug seems to always claim my attention. The kitchen is always a mess since I don't keep up with the dishes, we seem to always be behind on laundry, and I know a clean house doesn't designate a good mom. Yet, I feel I don't do anything meaningful for Bug. And thinking of this and writing this all down just makes me depressed all the more and makes me want to hide behind my story again.

I don't know how to cope. I have had many a headache lately, and I wonder if it is all this stress. All this stuff that I know I need to do but haven't and that knowledge gives me all the stress and tension in my shoulders and causes a tension headache that doesn't go away with Tylenol. One day a few days ago I had a 24 hour headache where I took two dosages of Tylenol.

I don't know where all this is going. I don't know where I am going. I don't know where my story is going. I'm just confused. You can call me that from now on.