Reminisce with me

Hearing Bug sing "Twinkle twinkle little star" just barely reminded me of how he used to sing it. I'll post it on here just for the fun of it. :)

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.

(repeat last four lines many, many, MANY times)

It brought a smile to your face, right? Come on, admit it. :)

Weekend

Visiting family this weekend. Thoroughly enjoying ourselves. We looked at houses, and fell in love with the first one we saw. Trying to deal with all the issues that causes... making an offer, job finding, all that good stuff.

Bug has been feeling rotten this weekend. He has a pretty rotten cough and a sore throat to boot. I'm worried about strep, but we will be going to the doctor tomorrow if it still continues. We've been giving him disolvable cough strips the past few days. He stayed home from church today and I stayed with him. When he feels rotten he has an even more intense mommy complex than he already has. What can I say? I breed "momma's boys".

Heading back home tonight after eating with the fam. Hoping of not spreading Bug's cough, but how can you tell a four year old that he can't play with the cousins that he hardly ever sees?

Anyway, we are still alive, life is good, and we are still kickin'. Hoping to get that house we saw, getting a job, not spreading sickness, and that Bug will get well soon. Wish us luck. :)

How could I?

How could I have forgotten you so long?
And now I'm singing this same, sad song.
Please forgive me of my wrong.

How could I turn my back on a friend,
Even though your loving spirit you always send,
And you'll be with me 'til the end.

Oh Lord I know you're with me every single day,
But sometimes it seems so easy to forget.
So I hope that you'll have mercy and accept my humble prayer,
Please don't give up on me yet.

How could I forget that you over all,
As I stumble, as I fall, please help me to stand tall.

Oh Lord I know you're with me every single day,
But sometimes it seems so easy to forget.
So I hope that you'll have mercy and accept my humble prayer,
Please don't give up on me yet.

How could I be so blind as not to see,
All the blessings that you've given me?

Oh Lord I know you're with me every single day,
But sometimes it seems so easy to forget.
So I hope that you'll have mercy and accept my humble prayer,
Please don't give up on me yet.

This song is written and sung by Ryan Shupe. Though that is true, frequently this song reflects my situation as I'm sure it does with many people.

I just thought I'd post another post letting you all know that I'm surviving.

Thanks for everything.

Today

I know I have a bunch of worried readers out there, mainly consisting of my family. I will get to that later. But first... good news!!

Today I picked up all the toys (the fact that they are littering the floor currently is irrelevant), gloves, bottles, and dirty clothes from the front room; swept the kitchen floor; washed dishes and put them in the dishwasher; wiped off the table and counters and stove top; soaked coil things and drip pans (they are still in the sink waiting for me to get to them); and also edited two chapters of my story. All before 2!!

It feels like all my muscles are sore and my back aches. Not the usual sharp pain causing me to fall over, but just the normal "I used it too long and too hard" kind of soreness. Laundry needs to be done, but for the most part, I feel like I deserve the rice crispy treats that I am currently craving.

Now for my promised "getting to the tough topic" update.

I feel like it is good news, but you may take from it what you will.

Though I am having a hard time trusting, I still know and have a firm belief in God. Don't get me wrong here. I know that if anyone in this blasted world will get me through the hard times, He will. I still haven't forgotten the amazing months after my son died. Yes, I said amazing. I got through them only through the power of God. I was in many prayers, many thoughts and I was being prayed for in many temples. I'm not saying that I am not now, but I know that I got through those months because of the faith of others, and the faith of my own.

I have always had a very positive outlook concerning death. I think I have been blessed with a greater knowledge in regards to the plan of salvation. Death never had made me sad, on the contrary, I was almost jealous of anyone who had died. That was before my son died. And yes, I am sad. But I am sad for me, not for him. I'm so selfish and spoiled that I am sad and sometimes angered that my son isn't with me now. But I know that he is well cared for and he is blessing lives in the second life.

I also know that I must live righteously to be able to live with him and raise him again. I feel I am doing my best. My trust has been hampered, but I still know where I need to go to gain peace. I have had such spiritual moments where I felt like I was just a sliver away from seeing angelic beings. I never really had, though if I had, it was when I was very very young.

That isn't the matter at hand right now though. Suffice it to say that I am just having a faith re-establishing time in my life. I'm working on it. I'm trying to find time to read scriptures and gain the courage to pray again. I also believe that every time I try and take another step back to the path, Satan hits harder again. I'm trying to find in me what everyone sees when they say "you are so strong". As of now, I feel like I can't beat Satan, and though I know I can with the Lord's help, I need to find more courage and strength in myself to deal with the times when I can't feel the Lord's help as easily.

I'm trying. I'm trying to not distract myself with worldy things. I'm trying to arm myself again so I can withstand the difficult times. I am trying. Do not despair or think that I am finally beaten. Far from it. I am rallying my forces again. Satan can't take me down that easily.

Sundays are just.... hard.

I'm struggling.

I know you all know that.

I try to not post about it a lot, because I know it is depressing to read. Heck, it is depressing to feel.

There were two days almost in a row (and maybe they really were, but I can't really remember) where I felt scared. I was alone, with my two boys, and I felt horribly, sickeningly, terrified.

The first of these two days I prayed for help. I knew I couldn't survive on my own and would almost collapse with fear had I not had some sort of help. It was granted almost instantly. Peace filled my heart and soul, and I was content.

The second wasn't quite as wonderful. Well, to say it bluntly, it stunk. I know in whom I trust and who I should go to when times are hard. I did so again on this second of days when I was terrified. I prayed for help and peace. Nothing came. I prayed again. And again. And again.

My heart was screaming for release while my tummy felt like it was going to roll over and come out my throat. Nothing came.

Satan has been working on me good. I'm not going to say that this was the start of my problems. More like this is the peak of my problems. I'm struggling with faith. I'm struggling with trust. How can I believe in "every once in a while"? I feel like I'm not important enough to Him to get help when I need it.

Why would He help me one day when the next day I need help, I'm ignored?

I don't know if I am wanting answers from you. Or really what I need. (Though I do know what I do NOT need. If you have something hateful to say, keep it to yourself. I have enough crap in my life and if you want to crap on someone, crap on yourself.)

I just thought, that if you are reading this, and dealing with the crap that I'm posting, you may as well should have some sort of explanation.

Sundays are hard.

I have to go to church and be a "good Mormon girl" so as not to arise suspicion and make people ask questions. So I sit in the classes and pretend like I'm invisible waiting for the one person to see though my invisibility, yet avoiding those that I already know are that observant.

I may or may have not said this before, but it is like I'm testing everyone around me, seeing just how important I am to others. And even though one has passed the first test, that doesn't mean that they are through. I test them over, and over, and over again. Like teasing rats in a maze with cheese.

I may be cruel. Call me that if you will. One good friend who will stay by my side no matter what happens is better than hundreds, no thousands, of people who will leave me at the slightest start of a problem. So I test you on my terms. Expecting you to leave. That way it doesn't hurt as much.

I know how to survive. Isolation is better than being surrounded by a bunch of nameless faces.

Isn't it?

Refresh

So, having read through old posts, I forgot that I didn't update you on things that I told you I would. (will connect links to refer back to said posts.)

So, my first EVER plane ride!

I talked a little bit in one of my last posts about my vacation to visit family. But I failed to say anything about the plane ride. Let me tell you. It. Was. AMAZING!!! After we landed I turned to my mom (like I had done many times on Rattlesnake Rapids) and said, "Can we do that again?" Or even better, "How about we just sit here on the plane and wait for the next ride."

The clouds were beautiful. It was the perfect day to fly. When we took off, we flew right through and past partly cloudy cumulus clouds. You know. The ones where you look up at them and think, "That looks like a rabbit." Those are the clouds that I have ALWAYS wanted to see up close, and I finally got the chance. It was seriously amazing.

Every time I felt a little movement change in my gut, I would peek out the window to look at the wing. Likely I had looked out the window for half the ride (of a 2 hour plane ride). Thankfully we were on a smallish jet (to and back), and I was always next to the window, my wonderful parents switching with me when necessary.

Oh, how glorious it was. I think my heart belongs in the sky. :) Had Rocket Scientist been there he probably would have chuckled every time I would peek out the window again. His dad was in the Air Force, and his first plane ride was when he was 1 week old. Funnily though, while I had envied his life, he has envied mine. He had never had a place to call "home" like I had.

Funny how that works huh?

Also in that same post, I had contemplated posting poems that I had written, and then I decided against it. I'm sorry if you were looking forward to them. Writing a story as I am, I am presumptuous enough to think that the things I write may be good enough to publish someday. Maybe I'm just reaching for a star, but I think it would be cool to have my name on shelves. Even if I do just make a handle. It would still be cool. Suffice it to say that the poems I wrote seemed good enough to me that they may be good for something someday.

It was also a good enough thing to write about.

Another thing I thought of after I posted the last post is that I had decided something.

I may not be worthy enough to pray, or good enough, or important enough to listen to, but I do know that I want to be with God again. What I have wished and longed for more than anything in my life is to be hugged. Just a simple hug from Jesus. When I was a child in primary I always wished for the second coming to come when I was still a little girl for the chance to go up to him and be blessed. Now here I am with kids of my own.

I know I need him and want to be with him. So though I may be banished or ignored, I will do what I know I need to to return. My efforts may be fruitless, but at least I am doing what I have been told will get me what I need most.

And that will have to do for now.

Comment with aspects of my life or other things that I may have said I would update you on or anything like that so I can be reminded. I will try my best to please. :)

Thanks for reading.

Random varients

Visiting family. Planning on fun times with friends tomorrow. Talked to a mortgage person today and was surprised to find that we might be able to afford a home higher than we had been thinking.

Overall good news.

More good news:

I cleaned the master!!! It is hardly ever clean seeing as it is the catchall room when we have friends over. Rocket Scientist walked in and said, "Did we get a new room?" He was quite impressed. I was too. :) It is kind of hard to organizedly pack things when the whole place is a mess. :P

I don't think I have much else to talk about, but life is good and we are surviving.

And like I realized today, the world won't end in 2012, because Marty McFly visited 2015. We will even have boots that suck onto our feet so we don't have to tie them. Look forward to that. :) But I think I'll be more excited about the tiny pizzas that cook within seconds. :)

Homes

As stated in my last post we have been toying with the idea of buying a mobile home. That in mind I want to complain about one point regarding mobile homes:

Trailer Park Fees.

They are about as pricey as our first apartment. Sure, we are renting the land to live on, but really. Should doing that be the same amount of money as it costs to rent an apartment? That is just crazy! Not only would we have mortgage fees, but the park fees which are the same price as rent for an apartment. Now, I would rather live in our own place to avoid any disturbing of neighbors with our moderately quiet TV, but still, the same price? Seriously? Can't we, as buyers do something about this?

It is the same kind of scam with condos. Why buy a condo, which is around the same price as a house, and live in an apartment type setting? Why are condos all that popular? If you are gonna spend that much money buying a place to live, why not spend it on an actual house?

Am I the only one who sees a problem with this?

Life

Life is funny sometimes, you know?

A month goes by and I realize that I had neglected my blog, not to mention my readers. I do apologize.

So here we are. Our one year lease for our apartment has come to an end and we feel the need to move on, so a majority of my time is dealing with all aspects of moving and as for Rocket Scientist, he is trying to find a job elsewhere. Wish us luck.

As for the kids, they are doing well. I can't believe that Baby is becoming less and less like a baby. He will be one in only one month. CRAZY! Bug is already four (I missed posting on that... sorry once again) and he is having issues sharing pretty much any toy with Baby. Not to mention that Bug is extremely particular, and if Baby plays with anything or messes up anything Bug has a fit. He is really into doing "drama queen" type fits. So much so that he claims that he can't use his legs anymore and he has to have someone carry him. It is quite vexing to me seeing as my back is usually hurting and I have a hard time carrying such a heavy boy.

Quick summary of what has happened the past month and what we all have been up to:

Rocket Scientist has been working hard as always. Right now he isn't only working hard at his current job, but also looking into a better future for us. With a new job, a new place to live, and a new career. It is very possible for us to join the Air Force, but for now going back to school is the first step. And finding something to support us while he goes to school. I may soon be bring in some income and we are looking for different ways for me to do that as well while still staying at home with the kids.

On that score, we'll move onto my life. I have recently decided that though I love the people I was working with in Mary Kay, the products, and what Mary Kay has to offer people I just cannot do this sort of job. So. I am going to be selling the product back to the company and starting a fresh with something else that will hopefully bring in income. I am not going to counseling anymore because there really wasn't much more for us to talk about. The last few sessions dealt with coping strategies and I just have to put them to use. Currently I'm fuming because of our upstairs neighbors who pound on the floor when the TV is hardly loud. It seems like she wants us all to use headphones at all times because seriously. I can't hear the TV outside of my door let alone in the farthest place in our apartment from it. So I'm fuming and know I should use something to calm me down, but I am currently enjoying being mad at her. I can't wait until we are in our own place!

Besides being a mom, I have been looking into places that we can live. There are some pretty nice mobile homes that we are interested in, and since we have never bought a home before, we are learning more about the many different aspects and things that we need to do before it actually happens. Sometimes I wonder if just renting an apartment again would be easier (it would), but then I hear the upstairs neighbors pounding on the floor once again and think, "I will do ANYTHING to not have to live with that again!"

I also have been working pretty consistently on my story, and enjoying almost every moment of it. It is kind of hard to enjoy when I am in a writers block, but nevertheless, I'm still quite surprised at how much better the writing has been this time around. I'm interested to see how it ends up. My muse is mean and doesn't let me think or brainstorm about it unless I'm writing on the computer. :) A few days ago though I realized that if we were planning on moving out this month (we are) we should probably pack our stuff. So I'm trying to put my story on hold. At least when the sun is shining.

Bug, like I mentioned before, is now four. I am kinda freaking out about the fact that he will be going to school next year. CRAZY! He is learning more and more, and I am quite shocked about how much he knows. We have been teaching him simple math and the like, and he knows how to spell a few words. While I was packing up books the other day and writing "Books" on every side of every box, he asked what the word said. From that point on he could read 'book'. With my writing streaks that occur, he seems to want me more and more, and I try my best to split time up between writing or playing on my computer to playing with him and doing chores.

Baby is crawling around like crazy and gets faster and faster everyday. He also is pulling himself up to his knees, and is currently experimenting with his feet. One of these days I'll walk in to get him out of his crib and he'll be standing. I'm kind of dreading that day. :)

Overall, life is good. I have learned a lot about myself while living in this apartment, and through counseling and such. There are some people in this ward that I will miss, but like I said above, we feel it is time to move on.

And that, my friends, is your general update from your favorite blog writer. ;)

Look to more later. I'll try harder to post more, but seeing as we are packing and stuff, please be understanding.